I am home, and have mixed feelings. I was so glad to get back and give Hogan a cuddle, and he hasn’t left my side since. I have missed him so, so much.
I spoke to Kim this morning. I am so confused about how I feel about the situation with regards to Simon, his girlfriend, and my emotions.
After seeing a status from Simon on facebook;
“Has had a lovely morning working the dogs on a walked up shoot with great company is now looking forward to spending the afternoon with the G/F after being away from her for so long :-)”
I am sat here crying my eyes out. Simon told me throughout the whole trip that he didn’t love her, that he has never called her his girlfriend, and here we are, not 24 hours later, going against what he said. Kim told me some home truths on the phone, and I am glad she loves me enough to be honest with me, and not try to gloss over the situation like so many other people do.
The decision I made before I went to Iceland, was that I was going to sleep with him. Forget the other factors – I only found out about the relationship by accident when it was rubbed in my face by the woman herself and even then Simon wasn’t happy to tell me – and the fact that I didn’t think they were that serious – I made the concious decision to sleep with someone elses boyfriend. That is not because of my Borderline, I cannot blame it on my condition like I so often have before. I cannot even escape this by simply saying “oh well, I’m a whore, so that’s why I did it”. That is taking the easy option and I am not willing to do that this time.
I don’t know why I am crying, and why I feel so much pain my in heart right now. I don’t love him, and I don’t want him. I don’t even believe it’s that I don’t want anyone else to have him, and I don’t believe it’s jealousy, because I am not a naturally jealous person. I do think that the guilt I feel towards his girlfriend is a factor. I don’t know how Simon can be fine about it when I am not, when he is the one that was in the relationship.
I suppose I need to accept the fact that I chose to do a bad thing to someone and I have hurt them in the process. Of course, I don’t even know the girl, but I have read her facebook statuses documenting a public breakdown, including (in date order);
5th October: aaarrrggggg, im going to hoover to take it out on the carpet aaaaarrrrrggggggg
6th October: Is 5.30 to early to open the red wine???
7th October: ive had enough and am going to bed, hopefully tomorrow i will feel better 😦
8th October: You don’t fall in love with people because they are perfect, one of the signs is you see their faults perfectly well yet you still think they are they are the best thing ever.
12th October: If it wasn’t 4:30 in the morning I would scream
12th October: Having a stinking cold and being stressed is great for the diet, I’ve lost 6lbs this week!!!
12th October: What an end to a shitty week
13th October: i have some really amazing and supportive friends on FB and would just like to thank you all xxxx
This doesn’t include all the links, comments and pictures she has added to the same effect. She has had a terrible week, she has been stressed, upset, screaming, crying, ill. I know this is Simons fault. It is not me in a relationship with her, in fact, if I was in a relationship I wouldn’t have gone on holiday with another man, I wouldn’t have wanted to. But I do feel guilty. I do not like inflicting pain and hurt on anyone and my actions have directly caused this. It doesn’t matter than when I belatedly found out about their relationship I asked Simon if he still wanted to go. It doesn’t matter I told him we wouldn’t sleep together because it wasn’t right. What matters is that I made the concious decision that I would sleep with him, and in the process I have made someone ill, I have broken their heart.
But, like Kim says, I cannot blame my Borderline. This is a decision I made so I now have to deal with the comeback from it. Of course, Simon will lie to his girlfriend, and tell her that nothing happened, and I will keep my mouth firmly closed too. The only two people that know about Simon and mines relationship whilst in Iceland are Jen and Kim – and they aren’t likely to say anything either. I do believe it is best she never finds out – that knowledge can only hurt her even further – but I feel sick that tonight he will be sleeping with her after spending the week with me, then on Monday night he is going to see the ‘other woman’ for a booty call too.
So, after thinking about all this shit going round my head the only thing I can think of it that I need to punish myself for being so selfish and putting myself and what I wanted before the needs of Simons girlfriend. Because, in basic terms, that is what I did. I had no thought for her or her feelings – I just thought to myself, ‘Fuck it, I’ll do what I want’ and to hell with her. And was it worth it? No it wasn’t. Simon made me feel cheap and dirty, he got what he wanted and never gave me anything back with regards to sex. I am tempted to say that is what I deserved, but I know that isn’t true. That is a thought that my Borderline is putting in my head. I AM worth more and I shouldn’t have let it happen.
I wish I wasn’t alone right now.