That feeling

The longer I lie here upset, the more I am starting to realise what damage I have done to peoples lives. First, there was Jean, I destroyed her family and then left her to pick up the pieces. Next, Tom, the gundog trainer who accepted me into his life, supported me through suicide attempts, self harm, psychotic illness. How did I repay him? I slept with him then dumped him like a stone. Next, another gundog person. I led him on, let him say things to me that were innapropriate then told people, and claimed I was innocent. Then Simon. I knowingly slept with him knowing his girlfriend was at home worrying herself sick.

People are wrong about me. I am not a good person. I don’t care whether I am using Borderline as an excuse or not. I am a bad person who preys on peoples vulnerabilities, their desires, to use them to get what I want. I deserve all that is coming to me.

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4 comments

  1. no you do not all these people were adults they are responsible for their own lives whatever you think you have done they also chose to be involved, the only life anyone is ultimately responsible for it their own, simon for example he is the one with a relationship not you, he is choosing to cheat you are not!

  2. no one is completely innocent. But we are only responsible for learning our own lessons in life. What other people do or feel in any situation is their own responsibility. Don’t beat yourself up over other peoples decisions and responsibilties. ((((hug)))

  3. Angel O'Fire · · Reply

    We all make mistakes, we all wish we could turn back the hands of time, and make things turn out differently, the fact is what has happened has been and gone, you can not change the past all you can do is learn from it, be mindful of the things you do and the actions you take, remembering that for every action you make, there is always going to be a reaction out there for somebody somewhere, and try to live your life as well as you can. Your not a bad person, your not some sadistic twisted person who get’s their kicks from hurting others, your human, and with that mere mortality of being human comes regret for the things we do that turn out to be pear shaped.
    Time to pick up yourself, dust off, and get back to living, because sure as shit living in the past, letting yourself be the star of your own pity party is doing nothing but hold you back.
    ((hugs)) Angel

  4. Now that you realise this, do everything you can to become a person that you think is good 🙂
    I saw a sign in front of a church today (I’m not religious, but it was still a good quote) that said: “All saints have a past and all sinners have a future.”

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