Sorry I haven’t posted for a few days. There haven’t been any words to describe this ‘low’ I am going through so could not articulate into a blog post. I don’t remember a time feeling this bad although I am sure that there have been many, and of course, your current situation always feels like the worse one yet, despite it not being so. On Saturday night, I cut. I kept the blades safely in the razor to not allow myself to go deep, and to be honest, I don’t believe I have the heart to go deep any longer. I just pulled the razor across my skin, over and over again. It isn’t bad, it looks worse than it is because it looks like a large graze.
Previously holding me back, was the way that Jen and Kim would feel if I harmed myself again. On Saturday, I managed to convince myself that I was a bad person, I needed punishing, and they wouldn’t care anyway. I decided I would take a step back, I would slowly break contact so that I wouldn’t be able to hurt them any longer. I thought they didn’t need someone like me in their lives, despite how much I love them. I suppose losing them would be just another method of self-harm for me.
I told both of them what I had done. Jen was supportive and said she forgave me. Kim said the same. I hate crying in front of people, but I am thankful it was just down the phone and not in person. I seem to be crying a lot at the moment but I suppose I must be glad that I am able to get the pain out in some way.
I need to let go of the situation with Simon and move on, and looking at his and his girlfriends’ pictures, comments and public conversations on Facebook are definitely not helping me to do this. I was tempted to delete them both but I don’t want to offend them, and it would probably drive me crazy not being able to see what they are doing.
I feel as though now I have cut once, it is difficult to stop, much like the floodgates have opened and the strong waters are rushing in. I don’t even know why I feel so vulnerable any more, as if the events that caused this ‘episode’ have passed, but the emotions and behaviour remain, like a dirty mark, that no matter how hard I scrub, won’t come out.
On Sunday night I cut again, this time taking the blades out of the razor. I had self-control, it wasn’t deep enough for stitches, mainly because the last time I was in hospital for stitches I was treated with such contempt that I bolted and ended up steri-stripping the wound at home by myself and hoping for the best. I wanted to carry on and on, until there was no clean skin left. Of course, I didn’t. The difference between before and now was that back then I never saw myself living long enough to have to live with the scars. Now – well I would rather suffer for the rest of my life than cause the pain and hurt to the people I love by ending my life. If that means I have to cut myself to get through it then I guess that is a necessary evil.
All the emotions and feelings of the past few days seem to be merging together at a rate of knots. I can’t seem to pick out any individual one, so if someone asks me what is wrong, I actually couldn’t tell them. I just know I want to close my eyes and not wake up again. Perhaps I should be back on medication, who knows. The NHS obviously don’t care enough to help someone like me – I’ve been on the waiting list for therapy for months but nothing is happening. I feel desperately upset and no matter how hard I try to use mindfulness or distress tolerance I cannot affect how I feel – who was I to think going through it on my own was going to work?
I want to delete my facebook, delete my blog, turn off my phone and go somewhere on my own where I can just disappear. The only thing stopping me is the fact that my absence would cause people to worry and I just can’t do that to people. Because of that, I am forcing myself to communicate, even though I feel stupid every time Jen asks me how I am, and I don’t have an answer for her. I want to die. I swore I would never feel like this again but I just can’t snap out of it. I am work but can’t concentrate on anything. I have written myself a long list of all the tasks I need to do, even the smallest ones, and am trying to do them one by one to get things done.
I am sat in an office full of people, but still feel very alone. I am going to stay at Kims for the night tomorrow and am looking forward to the company, and the hug that she will give me. I just wish she would never let go.