I can’t seem to concentrate on any work but I need to get this out. As you could see by previous posts things aren’t too great at the moment and I really don’t feel capable of coping with the feelings brought about by the row I have just had.
When I was with Jean, she got into financial difficulties, partly due to her living beyond her means (horses, expensive car, ebay purchases) and partly because she refused to work full time because of the children etc. In total, she owed around £6,000 and was in desperate need of a new car. As my mum has a fair amount of capital in the business, I persuaded her to give Jean a loan; £2000 to pay off utility debts, £2000 to pay off debts to do with the horses, £4000 on various other things like overdrafts and credit cards and around £1000 to buy a new car which was safe and reliable.
Money isn’t really important to my mum in terms that she has lots of it.
When Jean and I parted company, Jean agreed to continue paying at £150 per week, and has been for several years. The past three months however, she has stopped paying.
She has now sent an email to my mum saying that she has taken advice from a debt counsellor and will be paying my mum £1 per month which is all she can afford. Of course, myself, my mum and Jean know this is not true. She works full time at a local hospital as a receptionist so has money coming in – she just doesn’t want to pay. She has always been one to try and get something for nothing and this situation is no exception.
She would rather pay money for horses, cars, smoking, new clothes, going out – anything that pay people the money she owes. She owed me around £600 but I wrote that off when we parted company and I became very ill. It wasn’t worth my improving mental health to chase her for it.
My mum had previously made the decision to take her to court for the remainder of the money, and I believe she has already served the papers to her. She has now decided, since receiving this email from Jean, that she will visit her at home tonight to talk to her about the situation, and she wants me to go with her.
She told me she doesn’t want to go on her own in case Jean gets aggressive, or has someone with her. I told her I didn’t want to go, and because I didn’t explain to her the reasons why I didn’t want to go, I guess she assumed that I was just being difficult. She told me that it was my fault that she lent her the money in the first place (this is true, I persuaded her to lend it to her) and that she was probably going to have to lose the money and write off the debt. I know she blames me for this and that is understandable. If I had the money myself I would give it to her.
I can’t see the point in her visiting her but I guess it is because Jean is ignoring my mums calls and emails – so she just wants to get hold of her and talk to her. But I just can’t face seeing her again. I know it will bring up a lot of difficult emotions for me which, on normal terms, I could probably deal with, but I don’t even know how to process thinking about it in my current state of him.
Anyway, the row began because I refused to go with her tonight, even when she told me I could just stay in the car and wait for her, rather than going in. I feel like I desperately need to show my support, after all, she had done this/is going through this because of me, but I also know that supporting her will send me down a path that will ultimately hurt even more people than myself, people who I ashamed to admit that I care more deeply for than my mother at this present moment.
I am still at work and just trying to keep my head down. I need to act normal. I cannot risk her finding out that I am feeling like this as I do not want anything to potentially cause her to withdraw her support from the house purchase. Why can’t I think about this logically? I can’t make sense of it. Nothing seems to be adding up. I don’t feel dissociated at all as I can still think, but I do feel zoned out as I cannot remember much and nothing seems to be normal.