For what it’s worth, I think I’m through the worst of this ‘episode’, I am feeling a lot more stable, more able to think clearly and more able to rationalise things. That you so much, all of you, for bearing with me, and your kind, supportive words, that really helped in my time of need.
I am so glad I decided to start blogging at the beginning of this year. I have met a whole new family who mean very much to me, even if you don’t realise it. We may never have met, but you all have a positive impact on my life.
The last few days have been pretty low and I know I have hurt and disappointed those close to me by not being strong enough to fight the urges to self harm. Giving in to those urges was selfish in one way, and weak in another. I am not going to go down the familiar path of blaming myself for taking that path of action – I can see now that doing this only feeds a vicious circle, punish myself for being selfish – punish myself for punishing myself, punish myself for punishing myself for punishing myself – it could go on for ever. It has to stop at some point and maybe this point is now. Of course, we’ve been here before. Haven’t we all?
But something has to change this time. I can’t go on doing this to myself and those people around me. I now will have more scars, fresh red ones which I will have to wait for months to heal; I don’t even want to look under the dressing but I think they are probably (hopefully!) not as bad as they look.
The first thing I am going to change is I am not going to post pictures of this recent self harming episode. Firstly, because no matter how much I label it as triggering, I cannot stop other vulnerable eyes from seeing it and being affected by it, and I am not willing to do this. Maybe in time, when reflecting on these few days I will, but not now. Secondly, I believe that posting the pictures is my way of feeding my addiction. Maybe by gaining attention? Maybe I feel I need to prove that something actually is wrong with me? I don’t fully understand the reasons behind it but I am not going to give into it any longer.
I need to hold my head up high, accept that I was weak, and move on from it, letting it go. I cannot change what has passed in the next few days, but I can change how I let it affect me.
I still feel very emotional, and very vulnerable. I am still looking at both Simon and his girlfriends Facebook pages on a regular basis – and have now come to the conclusion that I must be jealous of their public relationship, because even though I do not want a relationship with Simon, I do feel we kept a ‘dirty secret’ for 18 months. I don’t feel rejected by him, but I do feel hurt, even though I cannot pinpoint exactly why. I know I am better off without him in my life, and this is reason why I have ignored the couple of texts and e-mails that have come from him today. I hope in a few days I will be feeling stronger, and I just hope I can keep check on my emotions and not allow myself to go into a manic phase – I need to work on this as it seems as though I am either one extreme or the other. I do wonder whether I should chase up the doctors or whether I should just leave it as they obviously don’t think I am deserving enough. On one hand I think extra medication would help (perhaps Quietiapine/Seroquel) but on the other hand, I know when I am well, I resent having to take medication that makes me feel like I am not ‘normal’.
I am looking forward to spending time with Kim tonight. She is so caring, and so non-judgemental. She is the sort of person I wish my mum could have been, but life doesn’t go that way. I am just lucky to have her in my life at all, and I hope she knows how grateful I am.