Opening up and trusting *Triggering*

On Tuesday night I went to Kims house, which I was really looking forward to. I can get really lonely living with my parents and Kim is very cuddly and tactile, and I am also this way. I know I say this over and over again but being close to someone I love makes me feel safe and makes me feel loved. I don’t think there is any better feeling in the world.

While I was there we had an interesting conversation which I would be interested to have your take on. Previously I have described ‘summer’, the person I become when I am under pressure to perform socially or intimately, and don’t feel like I can do it. I use the name summer because that was the name I went under when I was escorting, and for the most part, that was when I met ‘her’. I told Kim I felt a little wary describing ‘her’ as a different person, as I don’t want to go down the road of multiple personality disorder – not that I know anything about that diagnosis/symptoms but the thought of having two people inside one head really makes me feel quite anxious. I don’t believe there are two separate personalities – I believe ‘summer’ is a state of mind I can get myself into when I need to do things I don’t like, or do things I feel uncomfortable doing – and unfortunately now there are times I cannot control when I go into that state of mind. Where I am calm, quiet, passive, loyal, thoughtful and faithful – Summer is the opposite. She is promiscuous, loud, confident, thoughtless, impulsive – and I suppose it isย  difficult for me to accept that there are these two extreme personalities in one head.
Later in the evening, I realised that the bandage on my arm was starting to slip down, and needed to be changed. I had brought a few bits and bobs with me such as spare dressings, micropore tape and spare steri strips. Against my better judgement, I asked Kim if she would like to help me to change the bandage. Every part of me was screaming, no, no, this is shameful, this is personal, you cannot show her, she will hate you, she will think you are weak and vulnerable, and ugly for what you have done. Ignoring those thoughts, I allowed her to see my arm. I was really, really hard but I forced myself to do it. To give her credit, despite her not realising I was watching her face intently for any twitches/movement which would show what she was thinking she didn’t give any outward signs of what she was thinking. She was kind and caring, like I have always wished my own mum could be. My arm looks worse than it actually is, because using the razor with the blades still inside it has caused a graze over the top. (As I am now feeling a lot better I will post this picture as I don’t believe I am doing it to ‘feed’ my emotions;)

There will be scars, which I am really cross about, but nowhere near as bad as some of the ones I have and I am glad I found the self control to stop cutting before I did some real damage. I suppose the stress of doing this affected me more than I thought it would because when we had finished I found myself very drowsy and numb, I think probably dissociated. I managed to start looking around the room trying to name things beginning with certain letters, a skill Vicki my old CPN taught me, which brings you out of dissociation. I took a little while but I felt myself coming back, and being able to think normally again.

What was a real shame was that Jen wasn’t able to come to Kim’s for the night. Jen and Kim have been friends for a long time and sometimes I feel bad because I feel like I am coming between them, and that is the last thing I would want to do. I have been saying to Jen that she should go to Kim’s for the weekend and I would be happy to look after her dogs, but she is so busy all the time. I really worry about her. She runs around doing all these things for other people, but never does anything for herself or her own health. I wish there was something I could to help her, to make her life easier, but she lives two hours away so it isn’t possible for me to help practically.

I am going to Jens for the night on the 2nd of November and am really looking forward to it, especially as I can give her her presents from Iceland (I can’t tell you what they are as she has access to this blog and might read it and spoil the suprise!). Speaking to her every night makes me feel happy, and glad to have someone like her in my life. She truly is a very special person and deserves all the happiness in the world.

The situation with Simon is unchanged. He hasn’t text me since I talked about it last, and I’m quite glad about that. I am now starting to realise that no matter how much I still want to please him or make him like me, I really can’t have him in my life as he is very damaging to me and my health. He is a serial womaniser and I was always going to be hurt by him. Nothing will take away the fact that I had an amazing holiday, it was just a shame that it was not at the side of someone who truly loved and respected me.

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6 comments

  1. Self harming is counter-intuitive and even those of us who suffer from it know that it is, in the long run, counter-productive which is all part of the reason for our hiding it. The fact that you did show it to your friend is a great step and I know how difficult that must have been.
    I too dislike those scars that are left. The resultant scars serve as a constant reminder to what we did but also a reminder that we can always do it again. Which of course is all part of the trap of self-harming.
    I am really encouraged by your response to what happened and am really pleased that you had a good time and that you recognize and claim the positives and the victories. They are so very important.
    Great post.
    Kind Regards and God bless you.
    Kevin.

  2. Thank you Kevin. I am touched by your response. xxx

  3. Jaen Wirefly · · Reply

    You sound like you’re looking for a community of people that will let you relax and be yourself. Everybody wants that. Beating yourself up with razors won’t accomplish this task. Sleeping with men who don’t care all that much wont accomplish it either. Finding peace and harmony within yourself and in a community can seem impossible but it isn’t. It’s hard. It feels weird when you see yourself making progress. But if it’s something you want then you’ll need to find ways to achieve it.

  4. I know what you mean about having two completely different personalities in certain situations, I have my very own version of ‘Summer’ that resides in my head and comes out under pressure, but now that I’ve recognised her I try to control it (not always successfully but ah well) I knew I acted strangely sometimes around new people but didn’t think it was that bad until one of my friends actually pointed it out, from then on if she saw it happening she promised to take me out of the situation or at least poke me and tell me it was happening again! lol Now that I don’t drink or socialise it doesn’t happen so much but just occasionally I miss it! I’m glad you’re finding some clarity and it’s great to see you recognising parts of the cycle and tackling them head on. Be strong hun, you’re doing so much better even in the past couple of months xx

  5. Im glad youre not self harming anymore. I assume that means youre feeling a bit better. Im also glad you are going to keep distance between you and Simon. Im sure you can do better. Kat ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. It took me like an hour but I am now caught up. So many thoughts! Ok

    Simon is SUCH an ass! So self centered. But it makes complete sense why you were drawn to him, sub conscience emotional self harm! How awesome is it that you’re clear enough to see that now??

    When you first started writing you didn’t talk about friends, you were pretty reclusive. Now you have at least 2 supportive friends who don’t judge you. Ya, they’re sad when you cut and other stuff, but it doesn’t sound like they judge you for it. That’s really hard to find. I’m so glad that you have them.

    Our arms look pretty similar, mine aren’t as deep and are in a straight line, like a ruler. Isn’t that weird? I’ve seen it before, just haven’t done it before. You were coming out exactly as I went in. I find it really interesting the role your mom plays. The lady I’ve been getting to know who’s daughter died from BPD is the mom I want. She was there for her daughter through everything. Non judgmental. She only lives a few hours away from me. My mother contributed hugely to my cutting. She (anonymous54) commented on a post last week, one of my friends totally called her out without me knowing (I didn’t care, I was glad) and it really showed her true colors and complete lack of education about BPD. I eventually responded but it took 3 days of torture, writing and re-writing.

    I think you were able to relate so well to me, you knew what I was thinking, because you were there like 2-3 days before. I’m sad that you felt the same way I did. But I’m glad that I have someone to relate to.

    My husband thinks you are so nice. He read your comment and I think it convinced him that it was good for me to have blogger friends. I get a lot of crap from people here at home for talking to people online, like we’re enabling each other. But I don’t think it’s like that at all. He didn’t know you were from the UK, cracks me up when he reads comments and is so confused by different words and phrases. Especially Angel. I have to tell him about each person so he’ll get it. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Wow, this is one long comment. I could have just written a post and addressed it to you ๐Ÿ™‚

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