On Tuesday night I went to Kims house, which I was really looking forward to. I can get really lonely living with my parents and Kim is very cuddly and tactile, and I am also this way. I know I say this over and over again but being close to someone I love makes me feel safe and makes me feel loved. I don’t think there is any better feeling in the world.
While I was there we had an interesting conversation which I would be interested to have your take on. Previously I have described ‘summer’, the person I become when I am under pressure to perform socially or intimately, and don’t feel like I can do it. I use the name summer because that was the name I went under when I was escorting, and for the most part, that was when I met ‘her’. I told Kim I felt a little wary describing ‘her’ as a different person, as I don’t want to go down the road of multiple personality disorder – not that I know anything about that diagnosis/symptoms but the thought of having two people inside one head really makes me feel quite anxious. I don’t believe there are two separate personalities – I believe ‘summer’ is a state of mind I can get myself into when I need to do things I don’t like, or do things I feel uncomfortable doing – and unfortunately now there are times I cannot control when I go into that state of mind. Where I am calm, quiet, passive, loyal, thoughtful and faithful – Summer is the opposite. She is promiscuous, loud, confident, thoughtless, impulsive – and I suppose it is difficult for me to accept that there are these two extreme personalities in one head.
Later in the evening, I realised that the bandage on my arm was starting to slip down, and needed to be changed. I had brought a few bits and bobs with me such as spare dressings, micropore tape and spare steri strips. Against my better judgement, I asked Kim if she would like to help me to change the bandage. Every part of me was screaming, no, no, this is shameful, this is personal, you cannot show her, she will hate you, she will think you are weak and vulnerable, and ugly for what you have done. Ignoring those thoughts, I allowed her to see my arm. I was really, really hard but I forced myself to do it. To give her credit, despite her not realising I was watching her face intently for any twitches/movement which would show what she was thinking she didn’t give any outward signs of what she was thinking. She was kind and caring, like I have always wished my own mum could be. My arm looks worse than it actually is, because using the razor with the blades still inside it has caused a graze over the top. (As I am now feeling a lot better I will post this picture as I don’t believe I am doing it to ‘feed’ my emotions;)
There will be scars, which I am really cross about, but nowhere near as bad as some of the ones I have and I am glad I found the self control to stop cutting before I did some real damage. I suppose the stress of doing this affected me more than I thought it would because when we had finished I found myself very drowsy and numb, I think probably dissociated. I managed to start looking around the room trying to name things beginning with certain letters, a skill Vicki my old CPN taught me, which brings you out of dissociation. I took a little while but I felt myself coming back, and being able to think normally again.
What was a real shame was that Jen wasn’t able to come to Kim’s for the night. Jen and Kim have been friends for a long time and sometimes I feel bad because I feel like I am coming between them, and that is the last thing I would want to do. I have been saying to Jen that she should go to Kim’s for the weekend and I would be happy to look after her dogs, but she is so busy all the time. I really worry about her. She runs around doing all these things for other people, but never does anything for herself or her own health. I wish there was something I could to help her, to make her life easier, but she lives two hours away so it isn’t possible for me to help practically.
I am going to Jens for the night on the 2nd of November and am really looking forward to it, especially as I can give her her presents from Iceland (I can’t tell you what they are as she has access to this blog and might read it and spoil the suprise!). Speaking to her every night makes me feel happy, and glad to have someone like her in my life. She truly is a very special person and deserves all the happiness in the world.
The situation with Simon is unchanged. He hasn’t text me since I talked about it last, and I’m quite glad about that. I am now starting to realise that no matter how much I still want to please him or make him like me, I really can’t have him in my life as he is very damaging to me and my health. He is a serial womaniser and I was always going to be hurt by him. Nothing will take away the fact that I had an amazing holiday, it was just a shame that it was not at the side of someone who truly loved and respected me.