So, I just registered to be a stem cell/bone marrow donor on this website, Anthony Nolan Trust. I know the procedure can be quite invasive and painful, but I have an overwhelming urge to give something back. I have also booked an appointment to donate blood, and I have registered to donate platelets. I have to be honest and mention, (and this is not the reason I am doing it, simply something that came into my head) that being in hospital, having attention but for positive reasons, I believe will fulfill a ‘need’ within me.
Last night I spent the evening with Kim, who was housesitting for her friend in their house, one of the most amazing houses I have ever seen. The best thing about it – it had a hot tub room! Earlier that day, I had a McDonalds, and despite having fleeting urges to purge, made the concious decision not to. I believe that there are some times that I am unable to have the strength of mind to make this decision, but when I am ‘well’ I am in control of this decision.
We watched TV in one of the bedrooms, and I snuggled up to her. Kim is a real mother figure to me, and I do think that perhaps she gets just as much out of the relationship as I do. For me, she is a stable, mentoring figure who is guiding me in life to make the right decisions. She understands that my lack of boundaries is part of my condition and can see how this has got me into trouble in the past, and is mindful of that with regards to our relationship.
After x-factor we went into the hot tub. I couldn’t bring myself to let her see me in a bikini, which is completely ridiculous given I was comfortable enough to shower naked in Iceland, but I have always been that way. I can be naked in front complete strangers but when it comes to close friends or family, I am completely embarrased and a complete prude. Neither of my parents have seen me naked since I was about 10 years old so maybe that contributes to it? Perhaps I feel embarrased because the person knows me well? I don’t know – ideas on a postcard! It was silly, I made her close her eyes while I got into and out of the hot tub.
This morning, she woke me up early as I needed to drive home to meet my dad, to work on the garden at the cottage. I am normally a heavy sleeper but I could sense that she was in the room. To my suprise, she climbed on the bed next to me and let me automatically snuggle up, into her, and put her arms round me. It was almost like putting on a shoe that fits. The fact that she did this for me, meant several things. Firstly, she obviously does love me enough to want to be (tolerate me?) that close to me. Secondly, she DOES get something from the relationship as otherwise she wouldn’t have wanted that cuddle. She could have just woken me up, and walked away, but she didn’t, and that meant an awful lot. Trying to put it into words, it made me feel completely secure, safe and treasured.
It is interesting that I seek out mother figures in my life. I do hope that I can reach a point where I am not so needy, and that I can be a person that can give as much as I take (perhaps this is why I am going down the donation route, who knows?). The interesting thing is that when I am in the company of someone vulnerable, the roles are reversed, and I become the protector, the cuddler as opposed to the cuddl-ee, so to speak! It is strange how I can change so easily, perhaps I am like a chameleon, adapting to the situation as it happens.