Two years ago today, the truth.

Two years ago today; I tried to die, I didn’t panic, I didn’t cry.

I slipped a plastic bag over my head, got sent to a secure unit instead.

Things got so bad I couldn’t keep fighting, couldn’t keep trying to do the right thing.

28th October 2010, I won’t let that day happen again.

 

I have known this day has been coming for quite a few weeks, but haven’t really talked about it as I didn’t know how I would feel. It was today, two years ago, when I truly decided I had had enough. Overdosing clearly wasn’t working as I had already taken numerous overdoses which had failed, and besides that, I was living with my carer and was locked in the house with everything sharp and any pills locked away. I was so desperate to die that I found a plastic shopping bag, and held it over my head. Running out of air is a strange sensation, like you are going to sleep, but you are struggling. It became very hot, and painful.

The next thing I remember is my carer standing in front of me, holding the bag in her hand. I had failed again. She had suspected I was up to something so come and found me. Soon after, she rang the crisis team, who recommended I be taken into a secure unit for my own safety. I was driven, in tears, to Wotton Lawn Hospital clutching the only thing I could think to pick up other that clothes, Hogans’ collar from when he was a puppy, which they then removed from me when I arrived as it was something I could potentially hang myself with.

Friends from the unit, on day leave to the cinema

Enough of talking about the past. The point is, I have been worried about this day coming round, as last year I didn’t deal with it too well at all. Surrounding myself with memories of what happened and how I felt about it, didn’t do me well in the slightest. This year, is different. I talked about this in depth with Jen last night, as I was concerned that again, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. She re-assured me of how far I had come, and how much stronger I was this time. It was always be a hard day for me because it represents the moment in my life when I really did call it quits; but I have come through that to be the person I am today – stronger, wiser and a lot more optomistic.

I decided in advance to keep occupied today so spent the morning with a close friend training the dogs, which went fantastically well, and completely kept my mind off it. It was only when I was driving home that I began to think about it, and subsequently found myself driving through the drive through at KFC (despite knowing I had a cooked roast dinner waiting for me at home) ordering a large meal, plus lots of extras, and eating myself stupid. Of course – I see now that this is my reaction to stress – I couldn’t cut so I binged. I realised, as I was talking towards the toilets in Asda after contuining the binge with a bag of chocolate, that I was not going to let this win. I was going to have to fight like hell and keep fighting. I stopped in my tracks, turned round and walked back to the car. I might have binged, but I wasn’t going to make it twice as bad by purging.

So, I made it through today with no major mishaps. Perhaps this means I am growing up, maturing, or even moving on. Is this what moving on entails?

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2 comments

  1. So glad to hear you tried to prepare yourself by thinking about it consiouusly and thinking about how you would react. such an amazing step that you are still here to talk about it. nothing to say other than offer an awesomly big hug from another BPDer x

  2. I am so glad that you are still here sweety!

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