Two years ago today; I tried to die, I didn’t panic, I didn’t cry.
I slipped a plastic bag over my head, got sent to a secure unit instead.
Things got so bad I couldn’t keep fighting, couldn’t keep trying to do the right thing.
28th October 2010, I won’t let that day happen again.
I have known this day has been coming for quite a few weeks, but haven’t really talked about it as I didn’t know how I would feel. It was today, two years ago, when I truly decided I had had enough. Overdosing clearly wasn’t working as I had already taken numerous overdoses which had failed, and besides that, I was living with my carer and was locked in the house with everything sharp and any pills locked away. I was so desperate to die that I found a plastic shopping bag, and held it over my head. Running out of air is a strange sensation, like you are going to sleep, but you are struggling. It became very hot, and painful.
The next thing I remember is my carer standing in front of me, holding the bag in her hand. I had failed again. She had suspected I was up to something so come and found me. Soon after, she rang the crisis team, who recommended I be taken into a secure unit for my own safety. I was driven, in tears, to Wotton Lawn Hospital clutching the only thing I could think to pick up other that clothes, Hogans’ collar from when he was a puppy, which they then removed from me when I arrived as it was something I could potentially hang myself with.
Friends from the unit, on day leave to the cinema
Enough of talking about the past. The point is, I have been worried about this day coming round, as last year I didn’t deal with it too well at all. Surrounding myself with memories of what happened and how I felt about it, didn’t do me well in the slightest. This year, is different. I talked about this in depth with Jen last night, as I was concerned that again, I wouldn’t be able to handle it. She re-assured me of how far I had come, and how much stronger I was this time. It was always be a hard day for me because it represents the moment in my life when I really did call it quits; but I have come through that to be the person I am today – stronger, wiser and a lot more optomistic.
I decided in advance to keep occupied today so spent the morning with a close friend training the dogs, which went fantastically well, and completely kept my mind off it. It was only when I was driving home that I began to think about it, and subsequently found myself driving through the drive through at KFC (despite knowing I had a cooked roast dinner waiting for me at home) ordering a large meal, plus lots of extras, and eating myself stupid. Of course – I see now that this is my reaction to stress – I couldn’t cut so I binged. I realised, as I was talking towards the toilets in Asda after contuining the binge with a bag of chocolate, that I was not going to let this win. I was going to have to fight like hell and keep fighting. I stopped in my tracks, turned round and walked back to the car. I might have binged, but I wasn’t going to make it twice as bad by purging.
So, I made it through today with no major mishaps. Perhaps this means I am growing up, maturing, or even moving on. Is this what moving on entails?