I feel overtired and I have been feeling incredibly emotional all day. I started crying in the office earlier (although I think successfully disguised it as something in my eye and a coughing fit combined) because I had a conversation with Kim who brought up the fact that at some point she will die and I will have to live my life without her in it. The way I normally get round the effect that death has on my fear of being abandoned, is to completely block it out of my mind. If I don’t even entertain the prospect it could happen, it doesn’t affect me. Unfortunately, this makes it a lot worse for me when it does happen, like my dear friend Fern who took an overdose which was successful. I just couldn’t process the fact tht she was gone because I hadn’t believed that it would ever be a possibility.
The only thing worse than my friends dying, would be the fact that they wouldn’t be there to comfort me when I am dealing with their loss. I know I am looking at this from a selfish point of view, that I should be more worried about the fact that they have died rather than how I feel about it, but I just can’t get over this stumbling block.
Writing the letter to my mum this morning brought about some difficult emotions and perhaps that has triggered my feeling emotional, and I know only too well that when I feel emotional I start to feel paranoid and worried that people are going to leave me. I become very needy, and in turn this scares people away. I understand this is irrational but I don’t know how to control it. I love my friends but I don’t want them to push me away because I am too needy.
On another note, I am feeling totally crap about myself at the moment and I need to sort it, somehow. My hair is frizzy, the facial hair I’m sure is getting worse, I am overweight, unfit and my eyebrows are too bushy (that might sound really stupid but I have real OCD about my eyebrows). My room is a tip so that is only making me feel worse as I spend so much time in it. I need to get my shit together but lack the motivation.
I feel like I need to cry but it is sitting inside of me instead of coming out. Is this what they call emotional pain? Whatever it is, it feels like shit and as hard as I try, I can’t snap out of it. I should be looking towards the future right now, fighting to stay well but I simply haven’t got the heart.