What is wrong with me?

I feel overtired and I have been feeling incredibly emotional all day. I started crying in the office earlier (although I think successfully disguised it as something in my eye and a coughing fit combined) because I had a conversation with Kim who brought up the fact that at some point she will die and I will have to live my life without her in it. The way I normally get round the effect that death has on my fear of being abandoned, is to completely block it out of my mind. If I don’t even entertain the prospect it could happen, it doesn’t affect me. Unfortunately, this makes it a lot worse for me when it does happen, like my dear friend Fern who took an overdose which was successful. I just couldn’t process the fact tht she was gone because I hadn’t believed that it would ever be a possibility.

 

The only thing worse than my friends dying, would be the fact that they wouldn’t be there to comfort me when I am dealing with their loss. I know I am looking at this from a selfish point of view, that I should be more worried about the fact that they have died rather than how I feel about it, but I just can’t get over this stumbling block.

 

Writing the letter to my mum this morning brought about some difficult emotions and perhaps that has triggered my feeling emotional, and I know only too well that when I feel emotional I start to feel paranoid and worried that people are going to leave me. I become very needy, and in turn this scares people away. I understand this is irrational but I don’t know how to control it. I love my friends but I don’t want them to push me away because I am too needy.

 

On another note, I am feeling totally crap about myself at the moment and I need to sort it, somehow. My hair is frizzy, the facial hair I’m sure is getting worse, I am overweight, unfit and my eyebrows are too bushy (that might sound really stupid but I have real OCD about my eyebrows). My room is a tip so that is only making me feel worse as I spend so much time in it. I need to get my shit together but lack the motivation.

 

I feel like I need to cry but it is sitting inside of me instead of coming out. Is this what they call emotional pain? Whatever it is, it feels like shit and as hard as I try, I can’t snap out of it. I should be looking towards the future right now, fighting to stay well but I simply haven’t got the heart.

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3 comments

  1. i don’t know much about Borderline but I think most people struggle to come to terms with death especially if they have no spiritual beliefs to call upon.maybe that is something you can give some thoughts to not neccessarily organised religion more what you personally believe. After all if you believe in some form of an afterlife then death is never a permanant seperation only a temporary one.

  2. Angel O'Fire · · Reply

    You have just been through a traumatic event with your friends passing, suicide has a different effect on all of us and sadly when its tainted brush pass’s its dark colour over our lives we feel all kinds of emotions, from angry, sad, lost, regret, guilt, the list goes on and on. Having said that we also wonder how a person we care about can follow through with taking their own lives, yet why can’t we? then comes the its not fair, it sucks, and I hate myself feelings, which for BPD sufferers is stronger and harder to somehow cope with and to process.
    Writing a letter to your mum well, that may of been a trigger for you, but as all triggers we come across somehow we learn how to work through them one step at a time, and get back to the safety latch on the gun in which that trigger came from.
    What you are feeling right now is part of our human make up, its part of how we heal its the grieving process.
    A process that sucks, but a process we all experience and go through differently.
    If you want to cry, my advice is just cry, you want to scream, *SCREAM*, ………… I am sorry for your loss, it’s a loss that always leaves those behind with the question why yet we will never truly know the answer, its a loss that leaves those behind on a merry go round of emotions, and it’s a loss that you nor any other person could of prevented.
    (((hugs))) Angel

  3. I’ve been feeling rubbish lately too. We can get through it though- we’re tough and strong. We only get in life what we can handle- so we must be bloody strong!!

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