Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts

On Friday evening I went to stay with my friend Jen, for a girly night/catch up/present from holiday giving session. I am starting to really feel like I can be myself around her now, which sounds really stupid as she is one of the closest friends I have, but it takes me at least 2 years of knowing someone before I really can relax. We had a lovely evening, she gave me a make up lesson (desperately needed) which I tried my utmost to completely absorb. I’ve never really been shown how to do make up, so at the most, I wear mascara, eye liner and a bit of lip gloss. I’ve tried so many foundations, and they all make me look either orange, or too pale, so in the end, I gave up. She showed me how to do it properly, especially eye make up, so I am now going to make a real effort from now on to use more make up and take more pride in my appearance. Who knows, perhaps it will improve my self esteem too.
After she did my make up, she let me do hers, and pluck her eyebrows. I am like, the eyebrow queen. I spend hours plucking mine, to the point of being obsessive. If I don’t have tweezers, I find myself absentmindedly plucking hairs out with my fingernails, and I forget the last time I even bothered using a mirror to pluck. That said, I frequently pluck too much off as I spend so long plucking!!! Anyway, I digress. The best way for me to get to her eyebrows was for her to sit on the floor in front of me on the sofa, in between my legs. When I had finished her eye brows, I started giving her a face massage and playing with her hair. I need to explain something here. The job Jen does is helping other people. She spends 95% of her time doing things for other people. She is so selfless, caring for everyone else. She kept saying to me she felt selfish, she should be doing something for me. She didn’t understand that for me, I get as much out of making her feel relaxed as she does. It lets me give something back to her for being such an amazing person, such a great friend. After a little while I put my hands on either side of her face and they began to tingle, like they so often do when people are ‘taking’ from me. I have been Reiki attuned but I am a cynic… so perhaps, like Jen said, I just have healing hands. Jen fell asleep and I kissed her lightly on the top of the head. I don’t think she realises how much she means to me. Too much, because it would break me if anything happened to her. But I can’t think like that. I have to stop causing myself anxiety over things that may not happen.

Later, before I went to bed, she gave me a long hug, which is unusual for her as she is never really comfortable with ‘long’ cuddles. I do understand, and I totally respect that, but it meant a lot that she made a big effort to give me something that she knew would make me feel very loved, and very safe. When I try to think about it from outside the situation, I do understand that I can be very needy, and hugs like that between female friends aren’t ‘normal’ as such. I can see now why my relationship with Jean happened. Of course, I am not a lesbian, but as all Borderlines will know, there is an unstable sense of self within us that makes us question who were actually are. Jean and I had these type of long hugs because I was as needy back then as I am now – but unfortunately she was not as stable in herself as both Jen and Kim are. To be fair – to the best of my knowledge Jean is still a lesbian. Me on the other hand, I think I have gone the complete opposite direction. I am not homophobic, but when I think of having sex with a woman it makes my stomach turn. I can’t believe I ever did it, or I ever went there. I am glad there is no ‘sexual’ aspect in the relationships between myself and Kim, and myself and Jen, from either side. It makes me feel a lot more relaxed to know that that will never happen, that I am safe, and also, that I can be completely myself, and they never judge me. If I make a mistake, they forgive me and we move on. I am so lucky to have these two wonderful people in my life that I learn so much from on a daily basis.

I guess I am just blessed. Every time I think about the friends I have in my life, it makes me feel warm inside, and I really start to understand the term ‘heartwarming’. I know I keep going on about it, and people are probably bored, but I am just SO lucky. I guess it is right when they say friends and the family we choose for ourselves.

Today I went dog training with Tom, my old dog trainer. A whole post needs to be dedicated to what happened between us, but to cut a long story short, he loves me, I slept with him then freaked out, and subsequently his behaviour freaked me out even further and we both got hurt. I have avoided him in recent months because I didn’t know how to act, or how to cope with how he had been hurt by me. Anyway, I have recently been back in touch with him,  and last week when we went out, we had a ‘moment’ where he was helping me over a fence, and our eyes met.  It made me concerned that there was still a connection there, one that I needed to avoid. All I want from Tom is a platonic friendship. Today, I decided I would try to act as normal as possible, which went well. I also had a conversation with him where I laid my cards on the table and told him that I was very grateful for him for making an effort to make our relationship like it is now (platonic and not him trying it on), and that I really liked things as they are at the moment. He told me he was still very much in love with me, and it was hard, but he thanked me for acnowledging his effort.

I felt very proud of myself for having the confidence to be honest, and for sorting out a situation before it arose. I do believe, with the help of the supportive people in my life, I am learning the skills I need to deal with things appropriately.

On another note, I discovered that Lyn, my old carer, has added Simon on facebook, and deleted me. This makes me very wary, and upset because I have been deleted. I always feel that way and I wonder whether it is because I take it as a personal rejection. Maybe now I need to take this as a new start, and move on from her.

Finally, Jen and I had a conversation about my cutting. We talked about the fact that I behaved at school to attention seek, and that I could acnowlegde that now. I also realised something which I guess I did already know, but didn’t want to admit to myself. Jen asked me why I cut on my arms. If I am ashamed of it, why not cut on my legs, my stomach instead, where people aren’t going to see? She is right, there must be a reason. And I think the reason is that I don’t want to suffer the emotional pain associated with cutting, and not have something to ‘show’ for it, so to speak. I guess I need people to know that I have hurt so bad, that I needed to do that to myself. 50% of the time I hate my scars, I need to hide them, I hate the way they show the worse times in my life out there for everyone to see. I hate the fact that it looks unprofessional at work, that I should probably cover my arms in the office. Then 50% of the time I love them, they make me who I am, they make me part of a club, they show other people in a similar situation that I will understand, that i’ve been there, that I’m strong, that I made it through.

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