I have been doing more thinking, and come to more important realisations. The first one is about Lyn, my old carer. I need to write a letter to her, and although I will NOT be giving it to her, it will help me to get how I feel straight, and allow me to move on. After I have done this, I will make a concious effort to not think about her, or feel any emotion related to her. I believe this is the way that I will be able to move on, and let it go. Normally, I struggle, and I think to be fair, I have never really let anything go before – I am still experiencing bitterness about things that happened nearly 10 years ago. I will still see her about because we go to the same places, but I will be civil and friendly, and nothing else. I owe her nothing, and although I am very grateful for the help she gave me in my time of need, she also did things to me that detracted from that help, and ultimately left me in a very vulnerable position.
So, Step one: Write a letter explaining exactly what happened, how I felt, how her actions impacted on me and why it is no longer a good idea for us to maintain a friendship
Step two: Really try to understand the impact of having her in my life
Step three: Stop looking at her facebook – Why do I need to know what she is doing and saying if I am going to let this go?
Step four: When I see her again, be pleasant, polite and friendly. Treat her as an acquaintance.
Step five: If there are any repercussions which I expect there to be, I will deal with them constructively, in order to maintain our ‘acquaintance’
I hope that by following these steps I will be able to move on, and maintain my own presence of mind.
One little complication is her daughter Hannah. To cut a long story short, Hannah and I have been friends for a very long time, but she is not the normal type of person I would be friends with, and I find myself letting things go just because I want her friendship. She never has any money because she spends it before she gets it, and so I normally end up paying for things. She got a new boyfriend six months ago, and so our friendship dwindled a little, even though we had been inseparable when I was living with Lyn and her. I made the decision that I would not continue to make an effort with the friendship because she is not the sort of person I need in my life right now – she has her own issues (that isn’t the reason though) and frankly, she uses me. Our lives are so different that it makes it difficult. Anyway, I just let us drift apart, which was fine. On Saturday she text me and asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema – but she had no money so I would have to pay. It just confirmed to me what I thought – she was using me. I made an excuse because I decided it wasn’t worth the confrontation but I do need to deal with our friendship now – perhaps I need to just let it drift away again.
I am feeling pretty good at the moment. My emotions are stable, apart from a few small moments where they become erratic – normally either a few hours of feeling extremely sad and emotional, or a few hours of feeling angry or manic. I actually used the DBT Skill ‘Opposite Action’ when I was feeling sad – I watched funny videos on youtube – and that seemed to help. I think perhaps it is a case of trial and error, and practice practice practice.