Well I have had a seriously busy weekend, it’s been quite a rollercoaster of emotions but on the whole I think I have dealt with it well.
On Friday, I spent most of the morning on tenterhooks awaiting the call from the estate agents to say that the sale had completed. It was due at 12pm noon and the call came at around 12.20pm. I was so happy, completely over the moon, if a little overwhelmed, that I had just bought my very own house. That is, until the phone rang again, and it was Tom. In my excitement, I told him the sale had just gone through. He congratulated me, but he sounded a little strange, so I asked him what was wrong. He told me he wanted to talk to me, but not over the phone. I asked him what it was, as the anxiety started creeping up. He told me he didn’t want it to be over the phone, but the scan results (he had a scan last week as he has been feeling unwell) came back and they weren’t good – there is a mass on his liver and his bowel – and they think it is cancer. Tom has had cancer four times before and beaten it, but this time it could be in two places – maybe he won’t be so lucky.
Immediately, I couldn’t speak. I was genuinely lost for words. In fact, forget speaking, I couldn’t even think. Before I knew it, I was sobbing down the phone. I felt an overwhelming sense of pain, and panic. He tried to assure me that it might not be cancer, that it might be something else, the doctors always tell you the worst don’t they?? We can’t panic until he gets the results of the second scan which is next week. We don’t know anything for sure yet. I tried to get myself together, for his sake. I asked him how long he had known, and he said since last Tuesday. I asked him why he hadn’t told be sooner and he told me he wanted it to be in person (So not sure why he now decided to tell me over the phone?).
Within the space of 20 minutes, I had gone from extreme joy to extreme sadness, and for once it wasn’t the fault of my Borderline. On one hand I am glad these were very real emotions with very real reasons behind them. After the call, I sat in my car sobbing my heart out. I genuinely did not know what to do with myself. By this point all these thoughts were racing through my head. Will it be cancer? How long does he have? Will he be hurting? And the selfish one… How will I live without him in my life? Tom and I have had our ups and down, but he was the one person who was there for me when I was at my lowest. He has forced his way into my house, picked me up off the floor during a drug induced loss of conciousness and took me to A&E saving my life. He has talked me down from jumping to my death. He has held me when I couldn’t keep going. He has sat by my hospital bed and held the crappy cardboard bowl as I threw up last nights mix of painkillers. He has used his own jumper to stem the blood from my arm when he has found me covered in my own blood and empty behind the eyes.
After a few minutes, I could feel myself dissociating. Before it went too far, I made the decision to ring Jen. She would know what to do, and help me to know how to feel, and keep my grounded. She helped, and just hearing her voice helped me to get myself together enough to carry on working, and to go and collect the keys to my new house from the agent. What should have been the happiest day of my life somehow now felt hollow and empty. The estate agent was happy and full of congratulations, and I forced a smile that I knew she would be expecting.
I drove the cottage and tried to put the news from Tom to the back of my mind. Of course, I felt bad about doing this, but I knew my parents were waiting at the cottage and they expected me to be over the moon and excited, so I wanted to give them that at least. When I arrived, this is what they had done for me. It meant so much. I do finally think our relationship is improving, and it does show that they love me, and care for me, despite things that have happened in the past;
That afternoon, as we were driving to my Grandmas house to pick up her white goods to use in my cottage, I told my Dad about Jon. He told me he also had a scan on Monday, because his PSA level has gone up quite a bit. He has prostate cancer, and although I choose not to think about it as I can’t deal with the fact, I still find myself worrying. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything about it. We sat in silence until we got to her house. I don’t know why I find it so awkward talking like that. Perhaps it is because I am upset my it, and subconsciously don’t want to allow him to see that. Later, Kim told me I needed to thank him for opening up and telling me, and despite having the perfect opportunity to do so, the words simply wouldn’t come out of my mouth, as hard as I tried.
I am having the white goods from my Grandmas house (She’s actually my great aunt, but I have always called her my grandma) because she is now in a home and her house is being sold. I felt terrible walking round her house and picking up things I could use in mine, but if I didn’t they are all going to be thrown away, and in some ways, I like the idea of having her things in my house to remind me of her when she is gone, which by the looks of things, will probably be sooner rather than later.
On Saturday, I had a suprise visit from my friend Wendy, and her other half Nick, with was lovely. As they were leaving, I opened the back gate, and Kim was stood there. She was travelling past today, but was going to pop in tomorrow on her way back. I was so suprised, but so pleased to see her. The night before I had spent half an hour on the phone to her, in tears, about the Tom situation, and I so desperately needed a hug from her, and like magic, she was there. She bought me these amazing stone ornaments as a housewarming present. The Buddha is called Kim and the Angel is called Jen – and every time I see them (which is every time I come out of my back door) they make me smile and feel warm inside.
On Saturday evening, my first night sleeping in the cottage, I had a call from my mum to say she loved me. Because I am so used to speaking to friends on the phone and them telling me this, my immediate reflex response was ‘I love you too’. It came out of my mouth before I had even realised I was speaking. In hindsight, this is a good thing. For her to openly say this to me must have taken a lot, and the wrong response from me could have cost me another 5 or so years of feeling like she doesn’t love me. I spent most of Saturday night doing the first coat of paint on the living room walls, whilst taking to Jen on Facebook messenger. Although she wasn’t actually in the house, I love the fact that I will always think back to my first night in my new home, and remember that Jen was with me.
On Sunday I decided to do my first proper shop. To be honest, when I got into the shop, I suddenly began to feel very overwhelmed, and strangely, very young. I decided the best plan of action would be to walk up and down every aisle, and pick up the things I need. £150 later and the shop was done. I’m sure I missed lots, but I remember to buy coffee (I hate coffee but sometimes people like to drink it and I hope I have lots of visitors!), brown sauce (same reason), teabags, and Ben & Jerry’s Ice cream! I got home and arranged the kitchen;
Later, Kim arrived on her way back past. I remembered to offer her a cup of tea (result! Just getting used to this whole, being the hostess thing), and had put the fire on – it really, really feels lovely sitting round the fire on the corner sofa – very cosy and just how I wanted it to be. I can’t wait for Wednesday when virgin media is being installed, so I will have TV, broadband and a landline. It killed me to not be able to watch the first night of I’m A Celebrity Get me Out of Here! last night – although it did give me a lot of time to clean, organise and paint!
I am trying not to think about Tom too much, of course, he is on my mind, but as both Jen and Kim have pointed out to me, there is no point worrying until anything is confirmed. So for now, I am going to enjoy doing up my little cottage, something that is all my own, somewhere I can relax, chill and be at peace.