I am struggling a little today. For some unknown reason, my mum is on the warpath. She is having digs about me and work that I haven’t done (and even work that hasn’t been done which isn’t my work to do).
She has gone out of the office now and I had to fight the urge to run up behind her and lock the door as soon as she had stepped through it (I’m kidding, I don’t think that would look too professional). Instead, I am attempting to do it metaphorically in my head. Jen told me when things get too difficult to handle I have to try and put them into boxes, using my imagination. Those boxes can then be pushed away to a place where I can open them when I am ready.
In fact, most people in this office are getting to me today, so perhaps I am feeling oversensitive. Yesterday I caught a member off staff out. Previously (I have mentioned her before) she has wasted time, browsing the internet during work hours. I got our I.T. company to block all the obvious sites – Msn, Hotmail, Facebook, Ebay, Asos. She normally deletes all her internet history so she can’t be caught, but for some reason, yesterday, she forgot to, and it so happened that that was the day I had to use her computer, and decided to look up her internet history. I know this might seem a little bit like I am snooping – but surely it is right for me to try and catch her out, and save the company the money she is wasting my browsing the net when she should be working? Anyhow, I printed off the records and gave them to my mum, who told me she couldn’t be bothered to do anything. I guess that is all I can do.
Last night I felt quite upset and down. It was almost as though I had been stripped right back – there was no drama, nothing going on, nothing to keep me occupied, so I was left to just FEEL how I was feeling, rather than having something else to think about. And that feeling wasn’t good. I felt myself hurting inside, in my heart. Perhaps it is because underneath it all, I am still depression. Perhaps it is the worry over Tom and my Dad. Perhaps it is the stress and upheaval of moving into my new house. Regardless of the reasons, I sat on my sofa, and tried smiling, as smiling normally has the immediate reaction of making me feel better. It helped a little. In the end, I fell asleep at around 8.30pm, snuggled up to Hogan. I called him over from his bed on to the sofa (I don’t let him just get on himself) and he climbed up and pressed himself right against me. It was an amazing cuddle and I fell asleep feeling peaceful.
I need to ask her for 4 hours on Friday but I keep putting it off. I have a competition on Saturday and need to practice, but I don’t think my mum will see that as a priority. I guess we’ll see!