Punishment, fuck up, fucking up, enough.

I hate this fucking condition, and how it makes me think and behave. Or should I stop using my Borderline as an excuse and realise that I behave because that is WHO I am and I am, in essence, a bad person.

I feel awkward writing this, as I know the person I am going to be writing about will be reading it as she has access to the blog, but I have to use the blog as it was originally intended, to express how I feel in relation to living with Borderline. If I stop writing, it will all build up inside my head and it will come out in a way I really don’t want it to.
Yesterday evening, as the day wore on, I started to feel worse and worse. The argument with my mum, the news from Tom, moving into a new house, it all seems to be getting on top of me. By four o’clock I was clock watching, trying to stop myself from crying. I was really struggling to keep it together. Finally, five ‘clock came and I could go home. Dad had cooked me tea, but I just felt sick. He looked hurt when I said I couldn’t eat it, and I only just made it to the car before I burst into tears. I was crying so hard I couldn’t even see the road, and I began to notice familiar thoughts creeping into my head… “I am a burden to people”“They don’t want to spend their lives talking to me when I am depressed and dragging them down”… “They would be better off without me”… “I have a drawer full of valium at home”… In those moments, I text both Jen and Kim, telling them that I felt sleepy, and that they shouldn’t worry if they couldn’t contact me that evening. I wasn’t planning to die; but I was planning to take enough to make me sleep for long enough to make all this shit go away.

As soon as I parked into my drive, I realised I was being stupid, of course I couldn’t take an overdose (It’s impossible to kill yourself with Valium anyway, isn’t it!). I have just moved into my own home and had been given a lot of trust – by family and friends alike. How could I possibly break that no matter how bad I felt? I didn’t want to take it anyway, they make me feel sick when I take too many, and there were things I needed to do. I got into the house and curled up on the sofa with Hogan, and dozed for several hours. Jen popped up on facebook messenger, and unfortunately due to the new feature where you can see if people have read your messages, she knew I was there and reading her messages. I started talking to her and it helped, even though I didn’t feel much like talking.

This morning I got up early to meet my friend Nicki and train Hogan. We then went on to meet Tom for breakfast and go training with him. At first, I found it really awkward to be around him. I didn’t know what to say and felt really shy, which is completely ridiculous. Nicki left her coat in the cafe after we left so had to go back to get it, leaving Tom and I alone. I gave him a hug, but it was horrible – really awkward. Neither of us, I suppose, knew what to do. We didn’t fit together like we used to. As time went on, it got a little easier, we focused on the dogs and didn’t talk about the cancer, but the words hung around unspoken like a big fat giant elephant hanging around us all day. I am so fucking spineless. It is disgusting how I cannot be there for the people that need me most, Tom, and more importantly, my Dad.

On the way back to the office (I had to be back at 1pm) I rang Kim. I wanted to be honest with her, but she didn’t sound quite right. When I told her how I had been feeling the night before, she went quiet, then started crying. She told me she was hurt because I had lied to her, because I had told her I was sleepy and might not be around because I would be asleep, when in reality the motivation behind my message was that I was going to take valium and not be around because of that. She ended the call rather abruptly, leaving me in a panic. Immediately, my first reaction was to punish myself for fucking things up, once again. Why did I tell her I was okay when I wasn’t? I know why. Because that is what I have always done. That is the method I have developed to protect myself, after years of learning that telling the truth isn’t necessarily the best way forward.

I sent Jen a message on facebook messenger asking for help. I genuinely didn’t know what to do, and as Jen and Kim have been friends for years, I thought she might be able to help me. She told me to keep calm, and that she would try to help. In the meantime, I could feel the panic rising about Kim. As I was driving, I kept checking my phone, to see if she had sent me a message. Eventually, I gave in and text her, but with no reply. Then I phoned her. Thankfully, she answered. She sounded a little less upset and I think we managed to reach some kind of middle ground. I explained that no-one had ever told me that they had been hurt when I had covered up how I was feeling, but now I knew that was how it made her feel, I would try my very best not to ever do it again.

I then spoke to Jen, who was really busy anyway, who had already tried to ring Kim but couldn’t get through to her because I was on the phone to her. Now I am concerned that Jen will be angry for me for over-reacting and asking her to help when she is really busy, and wasting her time.

I seriously think that I am not a strong enough person to deal with day to day life. I can’t make sense of how I feel and as I result I feel as though I need to bury my head in the sand. As much as I love both Jen and Kim dearly, I feel as though I should take a step back because no matter how much I think about the impact of my actions and behaviours, I am never going to be able to stop hurting people; I am always going to slip up. Will this go on for ever? Well it has gone on for the past 25 years so why should I have any reason to think it won’t go on for the next 25?

This hurts so much, that I don’t understand what is happening to me or how I am feeling. I desperately need to cut to punish myself for being so useless and disgusting. I would, if it wasn’t going to hurt other people more than it would hurt me. I can’t analyse it, I can’t make sense of anything, I feel so confused. On top of this, Tom has invited me to stay the night at his house tonight as we have a very early start tomorrow and I will have to be getting up at nearly 4am if I stay at my own house. Personally I don’t feel like I am in any fit state to stay anywhere, let alone at his house. I just want all of this shit to end. I know the only way for that to happen and for everyone to be okay about it is for me to get better but that doesn’t feel as though it is within my grasp at the moment. I wish I was me that was ill and not Tom. At least that way they would have something to blame for me not being around, other than me. I just want everyone to be happy but can’t seem to make it happen. No matter what I do I fuck it up. Is this my borderline or is this ME?

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6 comments

  1. I am only going to address the Tom bit and actually the fact you just gave him a hug and said nothing is actually totally normal. I have a close friend who has a very young relative losing the fight with this terrible disease the truth is that words are meaningless at times and all you can do is be there. I am sure if Tom wishes to talk about details he will in his own time for now he is obviously happy just to have a friend there

  2. I can’t say anything to help except to send you a big ((hug)) today I’m afraid, if I could I wouldn’t be in the same position as you at the moment, we’ll get there and learn to cope with it all xoxox

  3. Well sweets I love you. And you’re not a fuck up. XXXXX

  4. I don’t know what to put but I know when I get a comment it helps to know someone cared enough to write onmy blog. I don’t have words to help with how you feel, if I did I wouldn’t be a borderline. One thing I have learnt is that noticing how you feel is a good step. I’m not encouraging self harm but be careful. I know I have changed how I hurt myself to a method that doesn’t leave scars. Be safe xxx

  5. Thank you. Knowing people care enough to take a moment to comment does mean an awful lot xx

  6. I feel like I AM that you 25 years later in that I continue to struggle with how I share/communicate with others. You do have two good friends you are learning to be honest with and that is good. Hopefully, in 25 years you won’t be where I am. Glad you didn’t do the valium sleep, even if it would have only made you feel sick. You held off and had a snuggle with your dog instead! You lived through the pain. And made some progress in your communication with your friends afterwards. 🙂

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