Hey Guys. So I am now feeling a little more stable which is great. On Friday I made the decision to increase my medication. I tried to make an appointment at the doctors for after work but there were none available, and there was no chance of leaving work early. I had several property inspections to do, and did manage to finish them despite wanting to curl up in a ball and cry. I felt really sick and despite having food to cook for dinner, couldn’t stomach it, so ended up forcing myself to eat a yoghurt and that was it.
At around 5.30pm Nicki phoned me and asked me if I would like to come and stay at hers for the night as we were leaving early to go to a trial the next morning. I agreed and said I would be over in a couple of hours. Tom had also asked me previously if I wanted to stay at his, but given our past history I am not willing to do that. That story is a very long one, one I will explain when I feel ready to do so, but given the current circumstances regarding Tom’s health I don’t want to think about it too much right now.
That night I took 40mg of Escitalopram instead of 20mg. I have self-medicated before which is fine, I just hope the doctor isn’t too annoyed that I have taken matters into my own hands. I was really starting to feel like I was losing control of my emotions and had realised that this was probably one of the only things that would tide me over.
I had a crap day on Saturday. The company was lovely, but between my own inexperience and Hogans pure pig headedness we managed a right royal fuck up. Thankfully, everyone was very kind, and didn’t make me feel like the total fool that I imagined I looked like. Tom seemed to enjoy being out around people, which was good to see, although there were moments that I noticed he slipped away to some other place, like he was thinking deeply and forgotten where he was.
Nicki asked if I would like to stay another night as her husband was going out for the night, so we got a chinese takeaway and plonked ourselves in front of the TV for a night of Strictly, X-Factor and I’m a Celebrity. Later, we started talking about Tom and I asked Nicki why she seemed to be coping with it so well (Nicki is also good friends with him, although hasn’t had the same close relationship I have had with him). She said it was because she had been through this before, and that she was making the most of these moments, before it got so, so much worse. I started to cry (seems to be almost constant right now!), which set her off. It was good to have a real heart to heart and actually say out loud the questions I couldn’t possibly say to Tom – How long does he have left? How am I going to cope with this illness? How am I going to cope without him? These questions might sound selfish but I needed to ask them to someone who knew exactly where I was coming from, and wouldn’t judge me for feeling that way.
On Sunday morning I was meant to go to a show but decided it wouldn’t be safe for me to have another early morning as tiredness is a really big trigger for me. I got up late, and made my way back home. I spoke to Tom on the phone, and he got emotional and told me he still loved me. I didn’t quite know what or how to respond to this. I know he still loves me, but in some way it only makes me feel worse about the whole thing. I know what happened between us wasn’t entirely my fault, but it doesn’t stop me wanting to punish myself to make things right.