Felt really pants last night.

Yesterday I had my appointment with the new GP. I explained that I had doubled my medication on Friday as I felt I wasn’t able to cope, and although she understood why I had done it, she told me I had to reduce it back down to 20mg with immediate effect as Escitalopram was not licensed for use over 20mg per day due to adverse effects on the heart – and given my previous damage to my heart through an overdose which ended me in a cardiac ward, I was particularly at risk.

She agreed that she would be a referral through to the mental health team which would take 3-4 weeks, and unfortunately I would have to start from the very beginning again with a basic assessment, to be placed under the correct team. She told me until that referral came through, she didn’t really want to mess with my medication so I need to try and cope on 20mg and supplement with Valium if I have to. I didn’t think to say that although Valium is helpful when I am anxious, it doesn’t help when I am unstable, upset or feeling flat, like an increased dose of an SSRI would.

Last night I felt very flat and emotional. I knew I had a lot to do with regards to getting ready for going away (I am going to Amsterdam early Thursday morning for a dog show). Regardless of this, I didn’t do anything. I just sat on the sofa like a slob, watching the TV, chatted to Jen on Facebook. I started feeling very emotional and wasn’t sure I would be able to stabilise my mood on my own so phoned Kim, who did help me without even realising what she was doing.

Tonight I have a meal for my mums birthday. I bought her a card and some jewellery which I gave her yesterday, and wrote ‘I love you very much’ inside the card. It was a real big thing for me, but it was easier than I thought it would be to write it (perhaps because I find writing things down a lot easier than saying them). She didn’t react in the way I hoped she would – in fact she didn’t even seem to acknowledge it. I guess I can only hope that she noticed it and took it in, rather than blanking things like she usually does.

On another note, my mum asked me to put through the claim for the money Jean owes her, using the website money claim online. As much as I don’t want to admit this, I promised when I started this blog that I would be totally honest with you, and with myself. I thoroughly enjoyed putting the claim against her, and watching her get a CCJ. A CCJ means she will struggle to get credit for anything – a credit card, store card, finance, car, mortgage, loans – the list goes on. I bigger person than myself wouldn’t have taken so much joy in this small amount of revenge. I shouldn’t have got any joy out of it at all. My behaviour is disgusting. So why can’t I let it go? I clearly haven’t moved on. I don’t want to be a nasty person but these feelings are clearly very nasty. I wish I didn’t think them but I can’t stop it. Please don’t hate me.

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