I had a minor moment of breakdown yesterday evening. I selfishly didn’t feel like I could cope going to my mums birthday meal (my sister and her family was going to be there too) so I felt like a really bad daughter especially as she has been helping me out a lot lately with my new house. I was feeling really low so asked Kim if she would mind me popping into her house (I was driving up to a friends as I was travelling with her to Amsterdam and Kim’s was on the way) and she said it was fine.
I went to the petrol station and filled up my car, only to find that my bank card had vanished. I had absolutely no idea where it had gone, and couldn’t even think enough to properly trace my actions of the day. Luckily the man at the petrol station was able to give me a note to say I could leave as long as I came back to pay within seven days. I went home, and started to pack a suitcase. It was difficult as I couldn’t seem to think logically. In the end, I packed several types of clothes and hoped it would be ok. I was proud of myself for remembering to put the black bin out and turn the heating off – even though I did set a reminder on my phone to remind me!
I looked for the £100 of euros that I had put in a ‘safe place’ for this trip and couldn’t find them. I started saying to myself why do you expect anything different? You are fucking useless and you never change. It’s true, and the more I got myself wound up the less I could concentrate and focus. I tried using my phone but couldn’t seem to get it to type what I wanted it to say and ended up throwing it across the room, where it landed against a wall. (Yes, my precious iPhone!)
I phoned Kim as I simply couldn’t think of what to do. I was supposed to be going away for the weekend and had no money, and no way to get any. She helped calm me down and think logically – I needed to retrace my steps of earlier today to find the card. Fast forward about an hour and I still hadn’t found the card, but was outside the restaurant where my mum was having the meal (that’s where I used the card earlier in the day).
I really didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t possibly ask my mum for money, can you imagine me walking in there? Not only had a not turned up to the meal, but then I walk in and ask for money?! Not going to happen. I wandered round asking if anyone had seen a card handed in but no luck. As I was coming out of the last shop, I spotted my mum and the rest of the family coming out of the restaurant across the square. I went over to her, and explained what had happened. I knew she would have a go at me for being careless, and I suppose I deserve it. Thankfully, she offered to loan me the agency card for going away, and I was so grateful that she could help me out. I k ow she loves me and this is the way she shows it. I am now started to accept that I will never get the love and affection that I want from her, it’s even got to the point that I wouldn’t be able to accept it. I just have to take what I can when it’s offered to me.
The next morning was a 2.30am start but thankfully we could sleep on the way to the ferry, and during the 6 hour ferry journey. Sometimes I get seasick but luckily today I didn’t. I text Kim as I experiencing really strong overwhelming feelings towards people at the moment. I don’t know whether it is because I am feeling low at the moment but I am struggling to control the feelings of paranoia that are creeping into my head. Last night, I had a conversation with Jen, and nothing seemed to go right. Everything I said came out wrong, and the longer it went on the more I started to think Jen was going to get fed up of me and tell me to leave her alone, that is was being a menace, that I would lose her. I KNEW these feelings and thoughts were irrational but I couldn’t seem to control them.
They started to affect me physically, my heart started racing, I was difficult to keep my breathing regular and my stomach felt as though it was twisting in knots. I took 2 Valium (2mg each) to try and settle myself and 2 Escitalopram tablets (I know the doctor told me to reduce it back to one tablet due to the heart issue but I really need to keep myself together right now). Jen assured me that nothing was wrong and that I was just being silly, but I just couldn’t shake the concerns in my mind.
Today has been a little better, we visited a little town outside of Amsterdam which was lovely and quaint. There were so many things I wanted to buy my friends and family, but I am very aware that people will think I am trying to buy their friendship when that isn’t the case at all. I just like buying people presents because I love them so deeply and it makes me happy to do that.
I am still feeling anxious so have just taken another 2 Valium tablets to try and settle it. I will keep updating you guys, keep safe. Xxxxx