Sorry I haven’t been blogging much over the last few days, I haven’t had the energy, the motivation or even the words (I also need to catch up on my 30 day challenge).
In hindsight, 4 days in Amsterdam with 18 hours travelling each way wasn’t the best idea given how triggering I find being tired, despite having naps each afternoon. It was a lovely trip but I went with my friend and her family (the one who has BPD and was in hospital) and I can’t help but feel as though I was a little out of place. It was probably a case of me feeling low and not wanting to interact, but either way it made me feel worse about things.
The tiredness is having other impacts – my eyesight seems to be deteriorating rapidly (I had an eye test about 3 months ago and they said I was absolutely fine so unless I have suddenly started going blind I can only assume is it being tired?) and my memory is appalling. I shit you not, I have to set at least 10 reminders on my phone each day, to remind me to do even the most simple tasks, like putting the bin out, switching lights off, appointments. On Monday, I thought I had an appointment at 5.45pm and it was at 5.15pm so I missed it. Yesterday, I overslept and so was an hour late for work, then completely missed an appointment with a potential client. Other things have been getting to me too – friends tell me things and I can’t remember them – then they think I wasn’t listening or I don’t care. That isn’t the case at all.
I met with Tom yesterday to pick up my parents dog, who he had been looking after while I was away (they are also away at the moment). He was very quiet, and came across as very vulnerable. He started telling me how much he misses me, how much he loves me, and asked for a hug. He started crying, and wouldn’t let me go. He was mumbling things but I couldn’t make it out. It took every single part of my strength to keep myself together and not get emotional – you know when your throat starts hurting because you are crying to hold it back? I knew I had to stay strong for him as that is what he needed, but I do wonder if I came across as cold instead – as that is the only way I knew how to be strong.
He asked me if I was okay and told me I looked pale, but I assured him I was fine and that I needed to go. He asked me if I would stay for the night and I told him I really needed to get back as it would be a nightmare to get to work in the morning (I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him the real reason was that despite what is going on, it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to stay at his house again/I don’t trust him/I needed to get away so I could break down in private).
I finally got home and just stripped off, and got into bed. (When I say bed, I actually mean sofa – the bedroom is still being decorated so I am sleeping in the living room, although I don’t mind as the sofa is REALLY comfy). Kim text asking me if I was okay, so I told her the truth, and she asked me to ring her. I was trying to think of what to say when I phoned her as I didn’t seem to have anything to say about anything, I just felt numb. It was probably a mixture of tiredness, and feeling upset about my meeting with Tom. She phoned me instead and we chatted for about 45 minutes, which made me feel a lot better. We discussed the fact that I feel a lot of anxiety about something happening to either her or Jen, and not being able to deal with it. She asked me why I was worrying about something that may never happen, and she is right, although I can’t seem to stop myself thinking about it.
I sometimes wonder if because I have suffered with anxiety all my life, when I don’t have anything to worry about, I find something, because that is all I know, and to not feel anxious or worried would be alien to me, and I am incapable of behaving or feeling that way. Thankfully last night, I didn’t have any urges to self harm. The only positive of feeling so tired is I actually don’t have the motivation to harm myself.
I have also reduced my escitalopram back to 20mg per day as per the doctors request, until I am seen by the referral team (I am not holding out much hope for an appointment in the next 6 months though).