So the situation in the office hasn’t got much better over the past few days. The lady that we were having problems in brought in her letter of resignation but the signs already are that she is not going to go quietly. She has already mentioned the words ‘constructive dismissal’ and said her co-workers (i.e. me) have had access to her computer so they will have set her up. We are having an official meeting on Monday where she is going to bring her ‘evidence’ whatever that may be. I am fully expecting her to bring all sorts of things out of her bag, aimed at me, because I believe she thinks I am the head of the ‘victimisation’ against her. I am expecting all sorts but that doesn’t mean I am anywhere ready for it. I hate confrontation and the thought of this meeting makes me feel sick. I will either dissociate completely and then not be able to stand up for myself or defend myself against her lies, or I will get angry, lose my temper and say things that I probably shouldn’t say and which could REALLY be used in a tribunal against the company. The thought of facing this confrontation makes me feel sick and my legs feel week, and I start to dissociate at even the thought of it so god knows how I am going to be strong when her barrage of accusations are thrown at me, especially as my mum will be there, who I suspect from previous experience, will appear to support the other woman as she has done in the past during confrontational moments.
In other news, yesterday my dad actually opened up to me slightly in the morning, and told me he had the results of a bone scan during the day coming (he has prostate cancer) and squeezed my shoulder. It was a big thing for him to do and I really struggled to keep it together as although it is what I desperately want and need, it made me feel terrible uncomfortable and awkward. I managed to wish him luck and thank him for telling me, before getting out of the house. Turns out, his prostate cancer has turned into secondary bone cancer. When I got home from work, I asked him how it went, and he told me. I held back the tears but couldn’t bring myself to ask any more. Partly, I guess, if I don’t know, it’s not real, and partly because I didn’t want to break down, and hearing any more would have made that happen. Yes, I am selfish, I am disgusting. At least I know what I am. I googled secondary bone cancer and it said the prognosis is 2 -3 years, but it does depend on a lot of different factors. I don’t have enough space in my head to think.
I am still in regular contact with Tom, and spoke to him last night about my Dad. I cried, a lot, but it felt ok with Tom because he knows me almost better than I know myself. I can cry on my own, just not in front of people if I can help it.
To make things worse, I feel so sick I can’t eat anything, which is probably making me sicker. The heating is on in the office full blast but I am sat here wrapped in Jens coat because firstly, it still smells a little like her and is comforting, and secondly because I am so, so cold. I feel like my bones are cold and nothing seems to warm me up. The only thing warm is my hands, I don’t think they will be cold until I am dead (some people have said they are healing but I’m not so sure).
I can’t write any more really but just wanted to update you. I think a person without the mental issues I have would struggle to deal with these things going on at the same time so I understand why I am falling apart at the seams right now.