Last night when I got home, I was in a terrible state. I had had a rough morning at work, being told that there was to be a ‘big meeting’ at work on monday and feeling terrified about all the confrontation that that might incur. Then, at 3pm I left the office to show my support to my cousin at the funeral of her baby boy, who died last Tuesday aged 5 days old. I have never been to the funeral of a child before, let alone a baby, and no honest I underestimated how hard it would be. Even though I never met the child, as soon as I sat down and looked up at that tiny blue coffin, I broke into pieces. I had actually gone to the funeral with my Dad but had managed to position myself away from him in the seating so he would not see me cry (I am not able to explain why this was important to me, but it was just something I had to do).
I was proud to be able to be strong, and hold my cousin while she cried, even though I was crying myself. I cannot imagine the pain she was feeling, but she was broken, black behind her eyes.
When I got home, I felt terrible sick, and colder than I had felt for most of the day. I lay on the sofa, and my mind was surprisingly blank. Nothing running through my head – just numb – and I wonder now if I was dissociating. I can’t remember whether Kim phoned me or I phoned Kim but I spoke to her, and tried to be honest with her as much as my own head would allow.
A lot of Borderlines find themselves in a ‘rock and hard place’ situation here; they want to harm themselves, but also want to be honest. But by being honest, they tell someone about the urges they are having, and that person consequently tries to stop them. The borderline then feels as though they cannot self harm now they have told someone, and if they do, they will not be able to hide it as that person will already be suspicious. Sorry, I know I’m not making much sense but hopefully you caught the gist of that. It made sense in my head!
Anyway, I’ve kind of lost my point a little bit. I spoke to Kim at length and was an honest as I could be with her, telling her that I was feeling very low and felt as though I needed to harm myself. It wasn’t so much a need to punish myself, more that so much was going on in my life that I couldn’t cope with, and self harming to me and many others, is simply another way of coping with things, just like a drug user turns to drugs, and an alcoholic turns to the bottle. All these things give a release and subsequently cause harm, they are just different in their own ways.
She asked me if I could find something to distract me but as you guys know, when you need to cut your long list of distractions in your head seem too difficult to access. In the end, I forced myself to lie on the sofa, and then to make myself some food, and then watch some TV. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t easy. It was very, very hard. But I would not allow myself to harm myself because I knew that it would probably hurt the people I love more than it would hurt me, in the long run.
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Later on, I was sat on the sofa, thinking to myself. Suddenly I realised, I felt PROUD of myself. I felt PROUD that I didn’t harm myself, PROUD that I could have been sat there in exactly the same place, but feeling completely different emotions of guilt, regret and self hatred. But I wasn’t! This feeling was so much more better and perhaps could become just as addictive as those negative emotions that are habit forming. All I ask is give yourself the chance to feel this emotion, just once, and you will understand how good it feels.
In other news, I have finally got my appointment for a mental health assessment for next Tuesday 10th at 11.30am. The letter says I am able to take a friend, and I did (very) breifly think about trying to ask my Mum if she would like to go, but I decided I wouldn’t be able to be completely honest with her there, and as it as an assessment, I need to be able to say exactly the truth. It will be hard, and I’m sure it will also be very triggering, but I will have to deal with that at the time.