Highs, lows, on it goes.

It’s been a few busy days, but on the whole, things are good.

On Thursday I had my assessment with my new CPN, Karen. It was meant to be Tuesday but she had car trouble, so she re-arranged. She came to the house, and I was so nervous before she arrived, I fussed around tidying the house, making it look homely, messing with things that didn’t need to be messed with, until she got there. My first impression of her was good, she was a slightly larger lady which made her seem welcoming and approachable (I don’t know why, but skinny people intimidate me!) and very smily. She said she was new to the team and she understood I had been waiting for an appointment since June, and had got lost in the system – and she apologised for that.

We started off talking about the past few years, and then how I was feeling at the moment. I was honest – I told her some days I was good (and this day was one of them), some days I was bad, and I never knew what the day was going to be like until I got up, and I also couldn’t control it. I told her I was worried about the fact that they would see I was holding a household together, and holding down a full time job, and just put to me to the bottom of the list. Unless I am actively self harming or thinking of suicide, I won’t get any help.

She asked me what I wanted from her and I explained I had been trying to do DBT on my own but it wasn’t working very well. She said they do offer DBT in this area, but there was a long waiting list. We talked about other stuff – Tom’s cancer, my dad’s cancer, my self harming and my close friendship with Jen and Kim – and their effect on helping me to stop self harming. We discussed my job – and how sometimes my condition affects my work, so much so that I can’t do it properly.

Last week, I made a REALLY big cock up. I checked out two tenants from a property and didn’t do it properly. There was a long list of problems – the carpets weren’t cleaned, the cooker was filthy and broken, the walls needed painting, things were missing – I missed it all. It is almost as though I walked around with my eyes shut. I know why it happened – my head was in another place, I couldn’t deal with the thoughts in my head at the time and it was all I could do to keep myself together and keep going, instead of breaking down.

Hopefully most of it is sorted now but it has cost my mum at least £600 to put right. I apologised but do feel terrible, although I know my mistakes were a direct result of not being able to cope with things. I explain all of this to Karen and she seemed to understand.

She gave me some information and told me I know had access to the crisis team again, to ring out of hours if I needed to, which I am glad I now have. She also booked me another appointment for next tuesday with a psychiatrist to review my medication. I am not sure it would be a good idea to change just before christmas – but I will cross this bridge when I get to it.

We talked about Jen and Kim and the fact that I seek out older women in my life, because I clearly have a need for a guiding figure, a mentor or even a mother figure. Perhaps I am trying to make up for what I was lacking during my childhood but at what point do I stop seeking out people to lean on? People to learn from? I should be equal with my friends but I feel they are more important than I am, better than I am. Maybe that is why I tend to be friendly with older people rather than people my own age.

In other news, the woman at work has resigned. I never thought she would, but she has, which for all of us, is brilliant. The atmosphere is bloody awful in the office at the moment but I suppose that is to be expected.

Work is really, really busy at the moment and is causing me a lot of stress. I am trying to keep up with things by writing lists of all the things I have to do because I seem to be unable to remember things, and this seems to help. I am really, really tired and I know this is a trigger point for me so I do need to be careful. Last night I found myself feeling really emotional but instead of allowing myself to ponder on it, I decided to have a bubble bath, a glass of wine and try to make myself feel a little better.

This morning, I had a conversation with my Dad. I am not sure what to make of it so it would probably be easier to just type it out. He made a comment that made me feel really stupid so I asked him why he kept on making comments like that. He told me not to be so over sensitive, and so I said ‘Do you realise how much your words affect me?’ At this point, I didn’t care what I was saying, I just came out with it, to hell with the consequences, or how I would feel (the anxiety) afterwards. He said, ‘What do you mean?’ I replied, ‘You do realise, when you upset me, I go home and cut myself?’ At the time, I didn’t think about how that would make him feel (guilt? angry?) I just came out with it and chose not to think about the consequences, like I said before. He told me not to be so melodramatic. I assured him I wasn’t. He asked me why I didn’t talk to him about this before, and I told him it was because I didn’t feel as though I could talk to him. Unfortunately, then things become a little hazy so I guess I must have dissociated, and the next thing I know, I am in the car on the way to work.

I feel that some barriers are starting to come down, I feel very uncomfortable it, but I do think it’s something I need to grow up and face. I am trying to think about it much because it causes me great anxiety but I am trying to think about it as muscles, the more I work them, the more flexible and strong they will become.

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