This is very hard, I am really struggling today.
Kim – I know you follow me on here so please, I ask you to stop reading this post now as I need to be completely honest about how I am feeling and I don’t want you to think I am a complete mess.
I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I am wound up like a coiled spring and I want to cry. I cannot remember the anxiety being this bad for a long time. I know it started with the conversation with my Dad last week, but has got steadily worse. It comes and goes of course, there are periods of time when I am calm and collected, but the rest of the time the world feels like is it spinning around me, too fast and furious. I am sure I have pushed Kim away. I know she is busy. the logical way to think about this is that she is a busy person and does not have time to be there for me all the time. I understand this, but it doesn’t stop me feeling such a massive surge of anxiety because I might have done something wrong, or upset her, pissed her off, made me angry, does she hate me?? I know these are illogical thoughts but I can’t stop them running through my head. It makes me feel like I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. make it all go quiet.
I know that my friends love me but I don’t feel I can continue doing this to them. Normal friends are there for each other when things are bad, but with me, it is a daily occurrence. How can I expect anyone to stand by me through that? You imagine the stereotypical mentally ill person, curled up on the pavement with their arms around their knees, rocking back and forth. I can easily see how they can get to that point. When I was lost yesterday, I could have easily sat down on the pavement and rocked myself. It is soothing, and although I only allow myself to do it in the privacy of my own house and never in front of anyone, I know I’m crazy.
I don’t feel like I want to continue like this but I also know I can’t do anything to harm myself as that is the one thing that will hurt those I love and care for. I am not living at the moment, I am existing, but then I get period where I am happy, things feel good and I can see a future. Why can’t I have those all the time? This must be something I doing wrong and I so desperately wish I could change so I can be the person I want to be. I feel like going home, curling up, closing the curtains, turning my phone off and saying goodbye to the world, maybe like a caterpillar that goes that way, then emerges a butterfly. I want to be a butterfly now.