Can’t cope.

This is very hard, I am really struggling today.

Kim – I know you follow me on here so please, I ask you to stop reading this post now as I need to be completely honest about how I am feeling and I don’t want you to think I am a complete mess.

I can’t think straight, I can’t concentrate, I am wound up like a coiled spring and I want to cry. I cannot remember the anxiety being this bad for a long time. I know it started with the conversation with my Dad last week, but has got steadily worse. It comes and goes of course, there are periods of time when I am calm and collected, but the rest of the time the world feels like is it spinning around me, too fast and furious. I am sure I have pushed Kim away. I know she is busy. the logical way to think about this is that she is a busy person and does not have time to be there for me all the time. I understand this, but it doesn’t stop me feeling such a massive surge of anxiety because I might have done something wrong, or upset her, pissed her off, made me angry, does she hate me?? I know these are illogical thoughts but I can’t stop them running through my head. It makes me feel like I want to close my eyes and make it all go away. make it all go quiet.

I know that my friends love me but I don’t feel I can continue doing this to them. Normal friends are there for each other when things are bad, but with me, it is a daily occurrence. How can I expect anyone to stand by me through that? You imagine the stereotypical mentally ill person, curled up on the pavement with their arms around their knees, rocking back and forth. I can easily see how they can get to that point. When I was lost yesterday, I could have easily sat down on the pavement and rocked myself. It is soothing, and although I only allow myself to do it in the privacy of my own house and never in front of anyone, I know I’m crazy.

I don’t feel like I want to continue like this but I also know I can’t do anything to harm myself as that is the one thing that will hurt those I love and care for. I am not living at the moment, I am existing, but then I get period where I am happy, things feel good and I can see a future. Why can’t I have those all the time? This must be something I doing wrong and I so desperately wish I could change so I can be the person I want to be. I feel like going home, curling up, closing the curtains, turning my phone off and saying goodbye to the world, maybe like a caterpillar that goes that way, then emerges a butterfly. I want to be a butterfly now.



One comment

  1. […] I love Living With BPD. Months ago I thought she was killing herself at that moment, there was nothing I could do so I just cried and prayed for her. Turned out it was an old post… but scary none the less. I’m so glad I’ve had the chance to get to know her more. She’s gone through much in a short period of time and is so open about it. We have a lot of feelings in common, I relate to many of her posts. Here’s a recent one. […]

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