I know I should be grateful that in this country we get free healthcare (although when you think about it it isn’t completely free as we pay for it through taxes) but I am starting to feel completely let down by the NHS. I had an appointment this afternoon with a psychiatrist but Karen the new CPN just phoned to say she was now unavailable, but a consultant could fit me in on the 24th instead. As you will know, I really struggle when plans are changed or appointments cancelled as there is something in me that takes it as a personal rejection. She asked me if I still wanted to see her, which helped me, and I explained that I would be good if she could as I am really struggling at the moment, and I have run out of medication (I was hoping to get a new script at the appointment this afternoon as it takes 48 hours to get it from the doctors). I have been worried about the fact that my medication was running out but haven’t seemed to be able to do anything about it. I know it’s stupid and a case of just forcing myself to do it. Hopefully I can sort it this afternoon.
Last week I had a couple of really productive days where I got a lot of things done that I have been meaning to do for months, but unfortunately I have regressed a little now, the only thing I eat are sandwiches bought from the garage, chocolate, crisps, the occasional bowl of pasta. No wonder I am putting on weight. I know I need to get myself together but I also know it isn’t as easy as just snapping out of it.
Last night I had a long conversation with Jen on Skype. The anxiety has reached a really bad level and I really needed to talk things through. When she told me that when things get bad for her she just copes, I tried to explain why it is different for me. The way I see it, is that all her life, she HAS coped, but I know I have been to a place where coping wasn’t an option. I like to see it as a threshold of coping. When you go past that threshold once (going past that threshold means to become mentally ill) you know that you will always go back there, and there is no safety net. For Jen, her ONLY option is to cope – because she knows of nothing different, and that makes her a very strong person. But for someone like me who has been weak before, and let myself fall apart, I will always know that there is another option to coping – to go back to how I was before, broken and unable to function.
We talked through the reasons behind my anxiety. I cannot identify why this most recent episode has occurred, but at least I am grateful that for the most part I do not want to harm myself, I am just nervous, anxious and fractious – feelings that impact me, and not the people around me. It could be the conversation with my Dad last week – and knowing that I need to face him and talk openly about my condition and how I am at the moment. Jen said she wondered whether sometimes I hide behind my condition, so instead of dealing with something I think I couldn’t possibly because I have Borderline. Perhaps she is right. And perhaps I feed off that, and the only way to get better will be to challenge those thoughts. I know that the thought of talking openly to my parents makes a shiver run down my spine. All my life I have hidden things from them – my self harming, suicide attempts, depression, escorting, being gay (or thinking I was gay at the time!), it isn’t going to be easy to open up to them now. Of course, they know the bare minimum – I suppose a bit like how my dad treats me with regards to his cancer diagnosis. Actually, I think I just hit the nail on the head there. Maybe how I feel about my Dad not talking about his illness to me, is how they feel about me not talking about my illness to them. SHIT!
People say you cannot be cured from Borderline but maybe you can. Maybe the trick is to understand the exact problems we face, and combat them one by one, started at their history, the reasons behind how they started and why they are ongoing. I am feeling more relaxed today and more positive so I hope it continues. Jen and Kim are both coming on Friday evening and Kim is staying over. I am really, really looking forward to it so I need to get myself together so I don’t waste that time with them.