I have been very anxious over the past week, as you know, and have been heavily relying on valium to get me through, but this impacts me and my ability to function at a normal level. I decided last night to sit down and think about the things that are making me anxious, and try to directly challenge them with logic rather than trying to avoid thinking about them, and hence allowing them to affect me. This is how far I got. Although my worries are not related to you, maybe you will be able to follow me in challenge your own anxiety provoking thoughts and gain some relief.
So, in no particular order other than the order they come out of my head!!
1. Jen is visiting on Friday and I am worried she won’t like my house.
This is a ridiculous thought. First of all, Jen has seen pictures, videos and even had a Skype tour of my house. Yes, it is a work in progress but she knows this, and has been heavily involved in me planning what is going to be done to it. She tells it like she is – if she didn’t like it she would have already told me she didn’t. Plus, I don’t think Jen actually cares if I live in a nice house or not, she loves me for me, not for my house.
2. Jen will think I can’t look after myself when she visits.
OK, so this one is probably not so ridiculous. At the moment I AM struggling to look after myself but don’t want people to really know that. Tonight, I am going to tidy the house, do laundry, do the washing up and make my bed. At least then I will be able to look reasonably presentable, but I don’t think I should hide how I am struggling. I just need to be honest.
3. Neither Jen nor Kim will like their christmas presents.
I know that both Jen and Kim will like a present because I put thought into it, and it is from me, rather than what the present actually is. Obviously, I can’t talk about what they are here as both have access to this blog.
4. I haven’t done anything, bar Jen and Kim’s presents, for christmas
I still have time. I haven’t sent out christmas cards like I normally this year but I’m sure most people haven’t even noticed. I need to go on Sunday to the mall, and do the shopping for the family.
5. I am worried I am not going to be able to afford my new roof.
This is a normal worry that a lot of people have. When I bought the house I thought the roof would need to be done in 5 years, but it needs to be done now. Also, when it was originally quoted, it was just under 2k, and now they have looked into it further it is nearer 4k. I only have £1.5k in my savings account. So, it is understandable I am worried and I should not punish myself for worrying about this. Perhaps my parents will contribute, or I can borrow some money from them. I will need to talk to them about it.
6. I am worried about talking to my dad and having ‘the’ conversation
After my conversation with him the other day, about me saying I still cut myself when I feel bad, I have known that at some point, I will have to sit down with both my parents, forget what has happened in the past, and completely lay myself bare to them, and give them the opportunity to be there for me. The thought of it makes me feel physically sick and I believe this is what is causing a great deal of the anxiety. But what is the worst that could happen? They could tell me I am making it all up and it is all in my head? – I could deal with that, they have said it to me before. They would tell me they want nothing more to do with me? – I’m not sure that would happen. I know underneath it all they do love and care for me, and want what is best for me. They could blame me for how I am? – Been there before too, last time I ended up in hospital after harming myself but I am stronger now with a better support network. I could dissociate? – That is probably the only real risk I have no logical thought to use to make me feel better. If I dissociate the likelihood is they will not understand what has happened and may think me insolent, rude, or worse, acting.
7. I am worried that Tom is going to die
I cannot do anything about this. In fact, until the results come back from the MRI scan, I cannot do anything at all, and what point is there in worrying about it. I must keep repeating this to myself and maybe it will take hold.
8. I am worried that my Dad is going to die
As above, but the difference with my Dad is that I do not have the whole facts of the situation. I have been too afraid to ask, and he hasn’t told me. I need to address this by sitting down with him and asking him directly. I do not want to make him uncomfortable but for my own sake I need to know the facts.
9. I am scared something is going to happen to either Jen or Kim, or they will leave me
This is a really big one for me. I worry they will get cancer, have a car crash, get hurt in some way. I HAVE TO STOP THINKING ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN TO THEM AS IT IS RUINING THE TIME I HAVE WITH THEM NOW. When they ARE gone, I will kick myself for not appreciating them while they are here. No-one knows what is going to happen tomorrow so I MUST stop myself worrying about it. I know they love me and want to support me, so I know deep down they won’t leave me unless they absolutely have to. But if I keep acting like this, perhaps I will push them away.
Anyone, I hope this post helps you. I am going to keep referring back to it when I start to feel anxious again. If you like, add your own logical thoughts in the comments.