The re-arranged appointment with my new CPN Karen and the consultant was today at 2pm.
This morning I went to work and managed to sort out most things outstanding, which was good, it felt good to know I wouldn’t be too worried about things at work over the christmas break. Hogan came to work with me, I always enjoy it when he does as it is good to have him with me. It means I don’t worry if anything is happening to him, and he keeps me calm and centered.
After work I popped into my parents, as my brother had just arrived for christmas. I had been warned by my mum that they may be a little trouble over christmas as my brother has been complaining to my sister, saying that he thinks it isn’t fair mum and dad helped me out financially buying my house. I can see why he isn’t happy, but with all due respect it is their decision and not really any of his business, and if it comes to it, I will tell him that to his face, even though I know there will be consequences afterwards, in regards to my emotions towards myself, guilt and anxiety.
I got home, did the washing up and had a tidy. I am so proud of myself for keeping up with the housework. I know I had some big doubts about living on my own and being able to cope but apart from a few small blips, I have been doing good. I got to my appointment in good time, but found myself listening to my CPN describing the contents of our last meeting to the consultant, in the reception-type area. To hear her talk about some of my life experiences (such as working as a prostitute, the incident with the bus driver, my self harming) so detached from any emotion like she was reading from a page was a rather strange experience and made me feel quite uncomfortable; I was just relieved there was no-one else sitting in the waiting area with me who could have heard the conversation.
When we went into the appointment I did tell Karen that I had overheard. She apologised but I didn’t really mind – I was just glad that she hadn’t made any derogatory comments about me. The appointment seemed to go well. I wanted to make it clear that although on the whole, I am coping with general life, and holding down a full time job, I am desperate for help with regards to DBT, and I will do everything possible to make it work, if someone is willing to give me that help. I know that I suffer with anxiety and depression, but my main problems are being unable to communicate or understand social situations, and this is having a big effect on my life. I avoid men, I avoid confrontation, I even avoid social situations as I do not know how to act. Normal people just behave without thinking about it, someone with Borderline has to actually analyse and decide how to behave at every single second, and that is exhausting, and very easy to get wrong.
He agreed that I could be referred for DBT which is brilliant, but like my CPN said that there is a long waiting list. In the meantime, however, he said I could be referred to a group therapy for depression and anxiety, which could act as a stop gap. At the moment, I am happy to take any help that I am given, I am grateful for anything that might improve my quality of life. We discussed how much valium I take, and agreed I should make sure I am taking no more than 10mg per day (I don’t believe I am, I have just been taking a PRN dose but have been quite anxious of late). He also agreed to keep me on Escitalopram 20mg per day. We did briefly discuss going back on Quitiapine but I said I wasn’t keen as I was proud to have got off it and would rather try to improve through therapy rather than medication. That said, if needs must, then I would go back on it for the short term, but needs don’t must just yet.
He said he had met Masha Linehan and I was seriously impressed. I would love to meet her, or at least go to a conference she is speaking at. She must be such an incredible woman to have been able to develop a therapy such as DBT which has helped so many people. I must start back with my chapter analyses of the Skills Training Manual for BPD but I have been so wrapped up in my own live of late I haven’t got round to it, or my head hasn’t been in the right place. Perhaps I will after christmas.
In other (fantastic) news, I had a call from Tom, to say the results came back from his MRI and it ISN’T CANCER. I cannot tell you how good this makes me feel, how much a weight feels as though it has been lifted off my shoulders. It was the best christmas present in the world.
I hope you all have a lovely christmas, please take care of yourselves, relax, try to stay safe and well.