Sorry, this is going to be a low post. I am tired, but nothing has triggered me. I am starting to realise that when it comes down to it, when there are no obvious present emotions (such as anger, pain, mania, happiness, joy) I seem to revert to my default emotion of hopelessness and self pity.
Perhaps I am wired this way, or perhaps I am truly, like I feel, filled up with a big swirling dark pool of lost hope and emotional pain.
Even when there is nothing going wrong, I still feel upset, I still feel like crying, and cutting.
That is the strangest thing. Even though nothing has happened, the urge to cut is still there and I wish I knew why. Perhaps I can now understand why people say boredom is dangerous for the borderline – not because it leaves us too much time to be with our own destructive thoughts, but because it leaves us to be engulfed by our ‘default’ emotions.
The question is, is it possible to be re-programmed? Is it possible to change our default emotions to more positive ones? Perhaps to find a way to so this would be a positive step for a lot of people.