When it comes down to it

Sorry, this is going to be a low post. I am tired, but nothing has triggered me. I am starting to realise that when it comes down to it, when there are no obvious present emotions (such as anger, pain, mania, happiness, joy) I seem to revert to my default emotion of hopelessness and self pity.

Perhaps I am wired this way, or perhaps I am truly, like I feel, filled up with a big swirling dark pool of lost hope and emotional pain.

Even when there is nothing going wrong, I still feel upset, I still feel like crying, and cutting.

That is the strangest thing. Even though nothing has happened, the urge to cut is still there and I wish I knew why. Perhaps I can now understand why people say boredom is dangerous for the borderline – not because it leaves us too much time to be with our own destructive thoughts, but because it leaves us to be engulfed by our ‘default’ emotions.

The question is, is it possible to be re-programmed? Is it possible to change our default emotions to more positive ones? Perhaps to find a way to so this would be a positive step for a lot of people.

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4 comments

  1. Right now, I fell like saying “DITTO”. Everything you wrote is how I’m feeling. Is it the season? Post holiday? Or just the way some of us are? Anyway, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I don’t understand why, but I really want to cut right now too.

    1. Thank you. Knowing that people are out there who are going through the same thing is very comforting.

  2. There is definitely a lot here I relate to, a lot I didn’t know I related to. Here is what I’m personally learning though. I am learning to re-program, or re-wire. I’m sure there are other therapies like mine that might be able to do the same. I’ve only really been doing the work for about 5 months now. Since I’ve been 2 feet in there have been a lot of changes. For the most part, I honestly don’t give a SHIT what anyone else thinks. I used to dwell on it. I was liked because I was funny and could lighten any situation which usually meant throwing myself under the bus. I don’t do that so much anymore. And not as many people like me. šŸ™‚ I don’t need the people who don’t like me for me! I can be funny without making fun of me. Not having that having over me is a huge relief. I have learned to feel REAL anger. I thought I had, I hadn’t. I’m not afraid to stand up for myself. Get in my way and you’re going DOWN motherfucker! The downside to that is that I kinda look for ways to use that new found ability. I’m good with it for now though. šŸ™‚ I haven’t EVER stood up for myself. EVER. I’m still very hung up on feeling like I’m worth fighting for which kinda contradicts that I guess… but in a physical way, a verbal way, I can fight for myself and know that eventually the rest will come. I didn’t always believe that eventually the rest would come. If I don’t let my self destructive tendencies and impulses get in the way! OH the JOYS of BPD! I know there’s more, a lot of situations I’ve been able to deal with, people mostly, that I’m ok with now. Anyway… I dunno if that helps at all, But I believe that we can rewire our brains. I am SO black/white. I won’t settle for learning how to better deal with the disease. Either I get better or I don’t!
    k, wrote far too much as usual…. bad habit of mine… maybe can re-wire that too… šŸ™‚

    1. Thank you to both of you for these comments. It means a lot that people relate to how I am feeling!

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