So here we are, the last day of 2012, the day before the anniversary of starting my blog. So much has changed since the 31st December 2011, mostly for the better. Looking at positives, I bought a house which, despite needing a lot of work, I adore, and already feels like home. I still have Hogan, I achieved my goal of making him a champion, which I never thought I would do. I travelled abroad on my own by car, something I never thought I would do. I am learning to control my self harming, with bigger lengths of time between each episode and have had no suicide attempts, despite suicidal ideation. I have reduced my medication to purely Escitalopram and Diazepam, and am on the waiting list for DBT, the therapy which I believe will really help me. I gained a new, wonderful friend, and maintained many more friendships. I held down a job, and returned to full time hours, and dealt with the additional stress that brought.
Looking at negatives, I started taking much more valium in order to deal with increasing anxiety. I allowed myself to be involved in an innapropriate love triangle. I continued to self harm. I put on weight and am now the heaviest I have ever been. I have been affected by illness of close friends and family.
From what I can see, there are a lot more positives than negatives, and all but one of the negatives can be changed. I have learned so much about myself over the past 12 months, and about my condition. I learned that I can no longer hide behind it, that I must stand up and deal with things instead of making excuses because of my ‘borderline’. There have been extreme highs, extremes lows, normally all in short spaces of time, but I am gradually stabilising without the help of medication and mood stabilisers. My relationship with my parents is improving and becoming more open, depsite my great anxiety about this happening. This will need to be worked on, I know this.
So, I have a long list of new years resolutions; most of which I probably won’t even stick to for a day, let alone forever, but they are a starting point!
1) Lose weight healthily through eating healthy food, avoiding junk food and snacks, and exercising more.
2) Cook a new meal from a recipe at least once a week
3) Reduce my diazepam to a maximum of 4mg per day
4) Be more dedicated with regards to training Hogan
5) Go to Yoga once per week and stop making excuses
6) Recycle as much as I possibly can
7) Give more blood
8) Go to bed at a reasonable hour
9) Go out socially at least once a month (Even if it means dragging a family member out)
I am actually going to a party tonight – just a small gathering being held at the new home of a close friend from school. Part of me is looking forward to it and part of me is anxious – I haven’t been to a party for years and I really don’t go out that much any more due to my ‘issues’. I need to make sure I don’t slip into ‘summer’ mode because I feel intimidated, I know that Shelley should be perfectly good enough, she just needs to be confident and she will be ok.
I hope you all have a lovely new year and stay safe. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx