Something has just happened that has really knocked me for six. I was doing to well and now I just feel like curling up on my own and shutting down.
After a good meeting with my new CPN this morning, who appeared to be pleased with how I was doing. I came to work, and about half an hour ago, had a facebook message from Jen. First of all, she said that I should remove the picture I had on my facebook that might give people the wrong impression of me. I had no idea what she was referring to, and started to panic whilst waiting for her response. It turned out that it was an old picture from April 2011 of me clubbing. I was standing in a cage in a night club, with little shorts on. Someone had commented on it yesterday, and I had replied which had inadvertently made the picture re-appear in peoples newsfeeds, despite being a few years old. I deleted the picture, as Jen is right, it isn’t an appropriate picture for facebook.
Jen then went on to ask whether I had heard there was a rumour going around about her and me having an affair. I asked her if she was being serious, to which she replied she was.
I am deeply upset that two people cannot be friends without people assuming something sinister is going on. I am inclined to think it is because it is and me, and people must think badly of me, but I don’t actually believe that is the reason behind this. People clearly don’t have enough to occupy them in their own lives, so concentrate on others.
Needless to say, there is nothing going on sexually between Jen and I. That is not what our relationship is about. If anything, she is a mentor to me, a guide, someone I look up to. In the beginning I questioned my own feelings about her, because I couldn’t justify why I loved her so much, and because of my previous life experiences with Jean, but after much thought I know 100% there is nothing sexual about my feelings towards her. I love her like she is a member of my family, not a partner.
I feel like I need to regress into a child like state and shout and scream and say, ‘this isn’t fair’, ‘why are people being so mean’ and ‘this hurts’. I don’t want Jen to feel awkward and leave me. If I am having a secret affair, does that mean I am having a secret affair with Kim too? What about my other friends?
Why can’t people just think before they act and keep their noses out of other peoples business. I know I shouldn’t but I feel very hurt and upset that people have been talking about me in this way. I do not feel ready to be strong and brush this hurtful gossip off like I should be able to. I feel like I have been improving, taking big steps, and now I just feel knocked for six.