So things are still going well here, probably because I am managing to stick to my diet. When I am on a diet, I sometimes feel that my whole day and the emotions within it can be affected by what is displayed on the scales that morning. I have to be very careful to not let myself become disordered as that is not the life I want for myself and the people around me.
I am making sure I am doing the HEALTHY thing rather than the DISORDERED thing. One really big thing I am struggling to get my head round is the fact that it is perfectly ok to feel full, as long as I am full of the right stuff, such as fruit and vegetables. Historically, feeling my stomach full of food would have triggered me into purging – I couldn’t have left it in there. But no more – I am a stronger person now, I want to be well, and I am slowly working towards that goal.
On the 1st January 2013 I started at 12 stone 6lbs, with a goal weight of 12 stone (first goal weight: baby steps and all that) This is the heaviest I have ever been and for a long while I was ashamed to admit it, even to myself. Out of sight and out of mind! I have to accept that I have let myself get this way and it is going to take a lot of hard work and determination to get the body I want. I can’t take the route that I know works because it also makes me ill, takes over my life, and eventually destroys me.
It is hard for someone like me who has been to the depths of bulimia to actually sit back and think, I have to stay like this for a while, this will take time. That said, I have allowed myself to get like this, and I suppose I just have to accept it will take time to get to the way I want.
This was my weigh in after 1 week:
And this was my weigh in this morning, meeting my first target weight 🙂 🙂
My final target weight is between 10 stone 6 and 11 stone. I have to be realistic, as it has to be able to be maintained. I have been keeping up with Yoga once a week and also did a bit at home on my own yesterday (I didn’t even have to force myself, I got the urge to stretch!). I have also been doing a dance class on a tuesday night.
This is me at my goal weight:
And this is me, at 9 stone 6lbs (which although I like the idea of, isn’t maintainable:
In other news, since the lady at work who was causing all the problems has left, things have settled down hugely. Myself and mum still argue frequently, mainly about her not using the new system and then causing errors which she subsequently blames me for (double bookings, missed appointments etc). I think this is something that won’t go away so needs more thought on how I can approach it tactfully. I am really busy as between myself and Jaye, we have taken on the work of the lady who left.
My friends Wendy and Nick came over this weekend, and they were really suprised at how well I was doing I think. They brought lunch with them, but I took great glee in showing them all the food we could have (normally I can’t even cook for myself let alone cook for others!), or the choice of drinks. The house was clean and tidy, and so was I.
Last night was a little more mellow. Kim has been really busy recently and so I haven’t spoken to her much. Of course, I don’t doubt her feelings towards me, or don’t think that I have done anything wrong. Now I am more well, I am able to think more logically, and understand that people have their own lives to lead, and they get busy. That doesn’t mean they don’t care for me, it just means they don’t have enough time in their lives. The same with Jen. Last night she explained that her other half was moaning because she spent so much time texting. I understand why he would feel like this, I just feel a little sad that I need to accept people won’t be there all the time. I suppose I have to try and make it more special and grateful when they are there. I must accept that I can’t be so needy now I am feeling better in myself.
I have had this sign for a while but I have finally put it above my door. It means that all the people in my life are very important to me, they make me who I am as a person, and I love them all very much.