I am making sure I continue to blog when things are positive so you guys can see that there ARE good times through the dark. I always feel I don’t need that release when I am okay, but as time goes on I realise this blog is just as much about helping others through their difficulties as it is a release for me.
The diet is still going well, I am managing to keep myself from weighing every day – in fact I am sticking to once a week now. It is a big relief to not have to get up and wonder whether what I ate the previous day will have affected the numbers – and it also helps me to keep a check on my obsession, to stop it taking over from my ‘healthy’ way of dieting. I have been even looking into meals I can cook (those of you that know me I am practically a cook-o-phobic) but I am finding that I quite enjoy it. This was a few nights ago when I attempted a Paella:
I am thoroughly enjoying the yoga, and slowly am becoming more flexible (I am the MOST inflexible person I know), I have gone, in 3 weeks, no not even being able to touch my ankles with my knees straight, to being able to wrap most of my hands around my feet. My balance is also getting better and my breathing is becoming more natural too whilst doing the stretches. The ‘dance’ class I am doing on a Tuesday night has also been great too… I use the term dance loosely as it is in fact Pole Dancing!! The only people I have told about it have been Kim and Jen. I don’t want people to judge me for doing it, so mostly I say I am going to a dance class that tones your muscles!! But… I am finding it really good, and I hope it will improve my core, and upper body strength. I have already learn several spins and how to move around the pole. Like being inflexible, I am also the most clumsy, and least sexy person ever!! So it is actually quite fun to learn how to improve that.
I have taken a brave step and booked something for Saturday – a bungee jump!! I have been meaning to book it for ages, it is on my bucket list, and I know I am going to be terrified – that is why I want to do it. I want to feel the fear, stand on the edge, and just let go. Like they say, “Feel the fear, and do it anyway” – well I’m actually doing it twice because I am doing a ‘FAB’ jump – once Frontwards and once Backwards.
Watch this space as I am hoping to buy the video.
The house is coming along well – the living room is finished, and we have started work on the bedroom and the en-suite bathroom. My dad is amazing and has been doing all the work, which has saved me sooooo much money. I just hope it isn’t too much for him given his health issues but I have said to him to take it easy if he needs to.
Here are some pics of the living room:
I really love the whole Shabby Chic style, and both the french dresser and the rocking chair were originally a dark wood colour (they were my great grandmas, then my grandmas, then my parents and I didn’t want to throw them out – my mum nursed me in that rocking chair!). First of all I painted them with a primer, and then an eggshell acrylic paint from Craig and Rose, at B&Q. This was no small feat for someone who isn’t particularly craft/art/practically minded – so I was really proud of myself.
It is so nice to be able to sit down and look around and think, this is mine. It makes me all the more determined to stay well, so I can keep it. I have a visit with Karen the CPN tonight at 5.30pm so hopefully she will have some news for me regarding my referral to DBT. She said in the meantime she will refer me to a group for anxiety and depression as there is a long waiting list for DBT, but at least now I am on it. I have never been to group therapy before so I am sure I will be terrified, but I just need to be brave, and be myself. I need to grasp these chances with both hands and make the most of them. I promise I will start doing more chapter reviews from Marsha Linehans book when I have time – it was one of my new years resolutions.
I saw on Facebook yesterday that my friend Sarah from hospital is now pregnant. This brought about several emotions – the first sadness. Admittedly I haven’t seen her or spoken to her in any depth for a couple of years but I imagine she is where I was a couple of years ago, and this would be no state to bring a child into the world. I could be wrong, so I am trying not to allow myself to pass judgement on it (Whoops, appears I already have… must try harder!). The second, is jealousy. It makes me ashamed to admit it, but people from my class at school, university – they are all settling down and having children, and it makes me so broody. Of course my logical ‘wise’ mind tells me I am in no position to have a child – the obvious no partner – but mentally also. Doesn’t stop me wanting one though. Perhaps I need the unconditional love and child would give, but I know before I make the decision to bring a child into the world I will be able to put my own life on a back burner and completely support someone else’s. Also, I suppose, I want to make sure I actually am ABLE to have children. A few years back, I was told there was a question over my fertility because of having poly cystic ovaries, and that has stuck with me, in the back of my mind, and won’t stop niggling at me until I have actually proven to myself that I am capable. I cannot allow myself to wonder if I can’t because of the emotions it would bring about.
On another note, I have bought a domain name, We Can Survive. I am hoping to make it a really informative website for all mental health issues. Obviously there are issues I have limited experience with – DID, other personality disorders, Type 1 Bi-Polar, etc etc. If there is anyone that would like to help me add information to it, I would be really grateful. I want to reach a wider audience – there are so many people out there who just need to know that someone else is out there. Let me know if you want to help 🙂
Stay strong guys, and catch up soon. xxx