Today I woke up, and snow was everywhere. I LOVE snow and am such a child about it. After taking Hogan for a walk in it, and taking some photos (I have been learning photography with my dSLR camera, it’s going ok but very slowly, instagram is soooo much easier, lol). This is the view out of my front door across the front garden.
I phoned my Dad to see if he would come and pick me up as I am not particularly comfortable driving in the snow, but he told me to just take the day off work as holiday. I decided not to – mainly because I want to get some work done, and partly because I don’t want to ‘waste’ a holiday day – I then run out of them at the end of the year and have to take it unpaid.
Most of the morning was lovely, very quiet and I had Hogan in the office with me as it was just myself and my mum in work – the two other girls who work on a Friday called in to say they didn’t want to drive in.
This should make you smile 🙂
Everything was going so well, until I was messing around with Hogan and my mum suddenly decided to get really nasty with me, and tell me to stop messing around and get on with my work. What upset me about what she said was her tone and her manner – very aggressive but also very nasty. Sometimes I wonder if she is some sort of Jekyll and Hyde character. All morning I have been working hard, and I take a minute to relax and play with the dog, and she makes me feel like I am useless and not committed to the job.
Immediately I could feel the familiar feeling of losing touch with myself, which suprised me given how well I have been doing recently. I immediately tried to stop it, to keep myself where I was, so looked around and tried to name things that began with different letters. I didn’t really help, so I tried talking to myself, telling myself that my mum was unreasonable, I AM capable, I AM hard-working, but one thing I CANNOT do is control her attitude and the way she treats me. Talking to her and explaining to her how it affects me doesn’t change it either – it really does go in one ear and out of the other. I need to think of myself and keep MYSELF safe. I have come to realise that I cannot take responsibility for the actions of others, and by allowing them to affect me so deeply that I start to dissociate, is doing just that.
Things are going to change now I have realised this. So where do I start?!