Making concious decisions to not let things affect me this time.

Today I woke up, and snow was everywhere. I LOVE snow and am such a child about it. After taking Hogan for a walk in it, and taking some photos (I have been learning photography with my dSLR camera, it’s going ok but very slowly, instagram is soooo much easier, lol). This is the view out of my front door across the front garden.

photo

I phoned my Dad to see if he would come and pick me up as I am not particularly comfortable driving in the snow, but he told me to just take the day off work as holiday. I decided not to – mainly because I want to get some work done, and partly because I don’t want to ‘waste’ a holiday day – I then run out of them at the end of the year and have to take it unpaid.

Most of the morning was lovely, very quiet and I had Hogan in the office with me as it was just myself and my mum in work – the two other girls who work on a Friday called in to say they didn’t want to drive in.

This should make you smile ๐Ÿ™‚

hoggy

Everything was going so well, until I was messing around with Hogan and my mum suddenly decided to get really nasty with me, and tell me to stop messing around and get on with my work. What upset me about what she said was her tone and her manner – very aggressive but also very nasty. Sometimes I wonder if she is some sort of Jekyll and Hyde character. All morning I have been working hard, and I take a minute to relax and play with the dog, and she makes me feel like I am useless and not committed to the job.

Immediately I could feel the familiar feeling of losing touch with myself, which suprised me given how well I have been doing recently. I immediately tried to stop it, to keep myself where I was, so looked around and tried to name things that began with different letters. I didn’t really help, so I tried talking to myself, telling myself that my mum was unreasonable, I AM capable, I AM hard-working, but one thing I CANNOT do is control her attitude and the way she treats me. Talking to her and explaining to her how it affects me doesn’t change it either – it really does go in one ear and out of the other. I need to think of myself and keep MYSELF safe. I have come to realise that I cannot take responsibility for the actions of others, and by allowing them to affect me so deeply that I start to dissociate, is doing just that.

Things are going to change now I have realised this. So where do I start?!

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7 comments

  1. I think you have started! And how you thought through what happened proves you’re off to a good start. You recognized what was going on with yourself – in the middle of it- and took action to address it. Well done! I’m still not able to do that.

  2. The photos definitely made me smile! I’m glad that you’re managing to realise that the problem is not with you, that it is not something you can control and trying to find ways to bring yourself back when you dissociate! You’re managing more than me at the moment ๐Ÿ˜‰ Enjoy the snow this weekend, I hope you don’t have to go anywhere too far from home in it so you and Hogan can just enjoy it together ๐Ÿ™‚ xox

  3. Lisa Fuller · · Reply

    I 100% relate to EVERYTHING you post! X

  4. whitewarriorprincess · · Reply

    Hey sweetie, did u look up the link I gave you? What do u think? Xxx

    1. I looked at it, thank you. I’m not in a position to pay for therapy at the moment though. Maybe when I have a little more money!! xx

  5. sockdrawersecrets · · Reply

    Your blog is a real breath of fresh air. You write with amazing clarity and rationality whilst dealing with the many-headed monster that is BPD. I really enjoy your reflections on behaviour & thoughts and find many apply to me. A very helpful and enjoyable blog.

    1. Thank you. It is comments like this that encourage me to keep blogging when I lose motivation. xxx

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