Well it was my first date last night with Chris (I’ve changed his name for obvious reasons). I was actually really excited all day up until 4pm, when I started getting nervous. He suddenly had to go into work, so we had to change the plans a little, but decided on meeting at a pub about 10 minutes from my house at 7.30pm.
I was really jittery, but got ready and was ready about 7pm. I did an outfit and make-up check with a friend because I wanted to make sure I was giving out the right message – I didn’t want to be too slutty, but I didn’t want to be too frigid either. I’m pleased when I think that these concerns are NORMAL concerns that all girls have, not just BPD concerns.
This is how I looked 🙂
Obviously I wore a long sleeved jacket over the top to hide my arm (you can sort of see it in the second picture but not to the full extent). I cannot tell you how nervous I was. I decided, well the new me decided, that I needed to take control of the situation, so racked my brains for situations where I knew how to act, and was in control. I came to the conclusion that despite how I am feeling, I can normal be calm and confident when I am meeting a client at work. It means I put a face on, and am professional. I decided I would try it, so said to myself, right, I am meeting a landlord to take on a new property, and just kept repeating it until the nervousness subsided.
When I arrived, he hadn’t arrived yet, so I went to the bar and ordered myself a drink (pint of coke, I’m not really a big drinker anyway and needed to drive home) and sat at a table where I could see the door. It was quite funny, I was watching the people coming in and wondering if it was him – obviously I have seen pictures but they can always be misleading.
When he arrived… well what can I say. I could have easily jumped him right there and then. He was gorgeous, much nicer than his pictures, and dressed in a suit as he had been rushing from work to meet me. He was calmly confident, not arrogant. And tall! I have a real thing about men needing to be taller than me. If they are the same height or shorter I feel really big, that makes me fat, and hence… it would never work!! (Weird I know, but that’s just how I feel).
We sat down to have a meal, and funnily enough, we were talking so much that the waitress had to keep coming back to ask if we were ready yet. Despite my diet, I had a steak burger with melted cheese and chips, followed by a sticky toffee pudding and custard. Really, really bad for the diet, but I allowed myself this treat on the promise I would go for a run the next day.
He made me laugh a lot, and we have a lot in common, down to weird things like we both like cheese on chilli, vinegar on baked beans, the smell of comfort yellow and chocolate nesquik!
At the end of the evening, I walked him to his car, and he gave me a hug, then a little peck on the lips. I was pleased he didn’t push it any further as I really want to be respectful to both myself and him, but on the other hand it left me driving home feeling incredibly sexually frustrated, LOL!
When I got home, I waited for him to text me before texting him back, to say I had had a lovely evening. He asked me if I wanted to do it again, and I said yes, so we are going out on Saturday night to see Life of Pi at the cinema. We have been texting quite a lot but I want to work really hard to make sure it doesn’t get too intense too quickly, like it normally does where one person or both in the relationship has BPD. What helps is that he lives 45 mins away, so we don’t have the opportunity to be in each others pockets like has happened before.
I didn’t bring up anything about my illness, nor did he mention or notice (I didn’t see him notice anyway) my scars, although I did have a long sleeved jumper on and it was quite dimly lit in the restaurant. I feel slightly uneasy about the fact that I will have to broach the topic at some point and don’t know whether to play it down, and say I went through a breakdown a few years back to which I dealt with in a bad way, resulting in the scars. This leaves me vulnerable to the fact that if my mental health declines, I may have to hide it from him as I have already passed the episode off as distant history. Then again, if I admit the problems are ongoing (albeit manageable at the moment) he may run for the hills – and I don’t want that.
Planning on going for a run tonight, may also go on the Wii and I bought Wii Fit Plus and it arrived in the post today. Really pleased I am managing to stick to this diet and exercise regime in such a positive way, by actually making lifestyle changes rather than making myself promises to starve or purge, promises I resent keeping when it comes to it. Also, I have been very sensible and finally booked my cervical smear test. In the UK, when you get to 25, you are asked to attend one. As I was 25 in December, I received a letter, but have been putting it off. I know how stupid this is, especially as cancer runs in the family, so I have just booked it and need to get on with it.