Nothing tastes as good as thin feels

It’s true. I looked in the mirror yesterday, and felt happy with myself. I am shrinking, slowly but healthily. Still eating a lot but eating the right things – fruit, vegetables, home cooked food so I know what goes in it.

But then I am looking in the mirror right now, about to go on the second date with Chris, and I feel fat, disgusting, vile. I want to cry. How did I let myself get like this? I don’t know whether to cancel. Nothing I put on looks any better. My hair won’t do what I want it to. I don’t want him to see me like this. I feel like I need to purge, to throw up the food I have in my stomach. No matter how hard I try to fight my demons, they always rear their heads when I am weak and vulnerable to them. It’s true I won’t truly be happy until I am thin. I can kid myself by saying my happiness isn’t related to what I look like, but that isn’t true. It’s lies. Once eating disordered, always eating disordered. šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦ šŸ˜¦

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4 comments

  1. “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”

    Nope.

    Get that toxic thought out of your brain. Everything tastes better than thin, because thin doesn’t ‘taste’ good for very long. Soon, ‘thin’ starts to taste like dirty metal and desperation. Get out now while you can.
    You’re worth so much more than a life of dirty metal and desperation. You deserve life. Allow yourself to live it.

    1. I’ve been there before. I just can’t bear looking in the mirror and seeing this reflection any more. People now call me ‘healthy’ but I know what that word really means.”, like you a describing cattle or pigs.

      1. I’m sorry that you’re having such a hard time, but I really believe that there’s another way. Self starvation is never the answer. I hope you’ll find some peace today,and remember that when people call you healthy, they mean that the sparkle has returned to your eyes, your hair looks shinier, you’re carrying yourself better, and you have an aura of light. Healthy doesn’t mean cattle or pigs. I promise.

        Keep challenging those thoughts. xo

  2. The only thing I can say is how much I can understand this. I have BPD and an ED since I was 8 and have also cancelled dates or nights out because of it. Do you have a way to help cope with this? Not going on a date would be a shame. Xx

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