What AM I doing? The last day or so I have felt like I want to stop this relationship between myself and Chris before it even starts. My reason? I don’t think I even know myself. He is literally perfect, or seems to be. Polite, a real gentleman, caring, wants the same things out of life as I do, able to be honest, handsome, tall, good job, cool hobby, own house, need I go on? He has done NOTHING wrong, yet I feel myself getting anxious about the relationship as it is progressing.
Is this because I am scared of what might happen? Scared of falling in love? Scared of commitment? It doesn’t make sense as I know I would love to be ‘normal’ and have my own family and 2.4 children. Maybe I am scared that I will have to be honest with him about my past, rather than just glossing over it and saying I ‘went through a bad time’. Maybe I am scared of rejection, scared of telling him the words ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’, waiting for him to google it and then run a mile.
Reading that back through I think I may have just answered my own questions and worked out exactly why I am feeling this way. How can I get on top of this and stop myself from ruining something that potentially could the best thing in my life?
In other news, the lady that isn’t very nice at work has given notice. Good news in one way, it will be a new start for all of us, but bad news in another way because we are going to be very short staffed, and will have to train someone else up.
The last two days have been seriously busy, and although I am tired, it is a good tired. On monday, I ran a club event, which although I was seriously stressed about, went really well. The only blip was my clash with a woman I have previously had problems with, described in this post , this post and this post. Since that situation arose, I haven’t even uttered her name, let alone talk about her – and I know for a fact that she has continued to slag me off, saying some really nasty things, and spreading gossip about me. Beforehand, I knew she was attending the event, so I decided I would approach her, and ask if we could clear the air, or wipe the slate clean, so to speak.
In the morning, when she arrived and came to ‘check in’, I wish her good morning, but she ignored me. For most of the day, she continued to ignore me. At the end of the day, her husband won an award. I took my opportunity to approach her, and held out my hand to congratulate her. She refused to take it, looked me up and down, and walked off. Initially I was upset, then I was angry. I have bent over backwards for this woman, and I wasn’t even totally in the wrong. She continues to slag me off yet I let it go, then she doesn’t even have to decency to accept my congratulations. I have realised that despite my concern over feeling bad about the situation, it is no longer in my hands. I cannot help her refusal to have manners. I have done my part and I can be proud of myself for that.
I weighed myself this morning and was really happy. Obviously a day of hard walking through mud and up and down hills, followed by 1.5 hours of yoga, followed by a second day of walking, followed by 1.5 hours of pole dancing, has helped! I am really enjoying both the pole dancing and the yoga, they are very different but I am definitely growing in strength the more I do.