Oh my dear god – Sexual Deviant?????

I don’t even think I have the words to write this. I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or run screaming to the hills.

The night before last, Chris and I had a conversation over text. Just to set the scene, I have been on 3 dates with him, but we have texted pretty much non-stop since we met.  God I’m cringing just thinking about it.

I have told him I had issues a couple of years ago (I brushed over it to be honest and explained it as being caused by a relationship breakdown) and have told him I self harmed through that time, although he hasn’t seen the scars yet.

Anyway, he had drunk half a bottle of wine and ended up telling me that he had a fetish, and what it was. I’m not going to say on here what it is because it is private to him, and if I am to believe what he says, he has never told anyone before. Either way, I didn’t think too much of it.. everyone has their quirks right?

Anyway, last night, he finished the bottle of wine, and started talking about the same thing again. He told me he was embarrassed for telling me, and I told him not to worry, that ‘everyone has their quirks’. He asked me what mine was, and I refused to tell him. Yes, I have a quirk, and I have never told anyone about it. To me, it’s weird, and I have no idea why it turns me on, so I choose to ignore it, and don’t even think about it. I have never told anyone about it and never intended to.

Anyway, he asked me to tell him what it was, and I refused. I said to him I didn’t want to tell him yet so early into our ‘relationship’, what ever this thing is. He told me that he had told me his, so I should tell him mine. Yet again, I refused, and told him I wasn’t ready to talk about it, not just to him, but to anyone.

He carried on and told me because he told me, I should tell him. I tried to explain that I didn’t force him to tell me anything, and I wasn’t ready to share this with him. I have only known him 3 weeks and this is something I haven’t even shared with my best friends. Yet again, he didn’t listen. He told me that he was annoyed because I wouldn’t tell him, which made me feel worried, as I don’t want him to be annoyed at me.

I began to feel more and more uncomfortable as the conversation went on, but he still didn’t listen to what I was saying. I told him I felt uncomfortable, and the conversation was upsetting me, but yet again, he didn’t listen.

In the end, I just gave up and told him. I knew that he was manipulating me emotionally (emotional blackmail?!). After I had told him, I felt just as awkward as I thought I would, as well as upset that my hand had been forced.

Then, out of the blue, a picture arrived. His erect penis. I feel ashamed to even say it as I don’t want you guys to think bad of him. But receiving that picture reminded me of times gone past, and made me feel cheap. The thing I liked about Chris was how much of a gentleman I thought he was. Immediately, he apologised. He told me he shouldn’t have sent it, he just wanted to show me that he wasn’t weirded out by what I had said.

I told him I needed to go to sleep, and he asked if he had upset me. I told him I wasn’t upset, but I didn’t like having my hand forced into telling him something I wasn’t ready to share, and that this had made me feel very uncomfortable.

This morning, he text me, and apologised. I told him that I was concerned that in future, what else would he make me do that I don’t want to do? Now I have let him walk over me once, will he think he can do it again? I am not a strong enough person yet to stand up for myself in this way, when I am so desperate to be liked and loved.

Another thing that concerned me slightly was when he was asking me what my ‘quirk’ was, and I wasn’t telling him, he said to me that it surely couldn’t be that bad, that he had seen all sorts of things on the internet, that perhaps we might even have a fetish link. (I didn’t even know what this term meant, I had to google it!!!). Does this mean he is some sort of sexual deviant? He told me he has never acted upon his fetish before, in fact he has never told anyone before apart from me. So why tell me so soon into a relationship? Should I be flattered or should I be worried?

I didn’t sleep very well at all last night worrying about this. He continued to text me this morning after I had said that I was worried he would manipulate me into doing something I didn’t want to do in future, in the same way. He told me that he felt really guilty and apologised (it appeared to be sincere). He told me that he isn’t pushy in person, it was just that he had told me something and he felt like he needed to balance it out.

How should I feel about this? I really am at a loss at what to do. I don’t even know whether I should discuss this with Jen or Kim, the people I speak to about everything. I don’t even know how to start a discussion like this!!!!!!!! Should I tell her what the fetish is after Chris has trusted me with his secret? Or is this what he wants me to be feel to be in control? I really am completely at a loss at how to feel and really need advice.

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8 comments

  1. hmmmm I know what you mean about not liking having him ‘force’ you to tell him about it and he really should have just dropped it. I probably would have made something up or picked a ‘quirk’ that I didn’t mind people knowing about rather than telling him the real one that obviously made you so upset.
    I have to admit that this post is ringing big alarm bells in my head about your new man.
    Remember that you can still talk to Jen and Kim about this without having to divulge anything! Just talk about how it made you feel about the rest of the conversation…you’re right every one has some sexual quirk, but the way he was last night, that’s what worries me.
    ((hugs)) I hope you get some rest xox

  2. I think the fact that he felt comfortable enough with you to share his ‘thing ‘ is a positive but the fact that after a drink he disregarded your feelings and literally bullied you into telling him was wrong – it may be he felt embarassed and vulnerable about what he had confessed to you and felt he needed to even things up but the way he did it was wrong and though he obviously realises this after I would say watch out for this pattern of behaviour when he drinks incase there is a problem there. as for being sexually deviant technically most of us are lol and aslong as both parties are consenting and legal and no one gets hurt then really there is nothing wrong

  3. The more I think about it the more uneasy I feel. It wasn’t so much that I told him, it was just I didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to divulge that information – and he made me feel really bad when I tried not to. I kept repeating over and over again that I was uncomfortable with the conversation but he disregarded that because he needed to make himself feel better by knowing something private about me – because he had shared something with me which he obviously regretted. Then on top of that, he sent me that picture of himself which made me feel completely cheap and disrespected. He has apologised this morning and promised it won’t happen again but like I said before it has left a very sour taste in my mouth 😦

  4. I guess perhaps I am traditional in thinking these sorts of conversations should be between two people that are a long time into a relationship and trust each other, rather than two people who have only just met?

  5. The fact that you told him shows strength in character. Its a survival instinct that when cornered we protect ourselves so in telling him you did just that. I’m not implying that he would hurt you but it is a natural thing you did. And you should be proud that you were honest. I’m not saying you should break up with him but if he is making you uncomfortable so early on you need to think about where this is going. Is he more about a physical connection or can you build up that emotional connection too

  6. i obviously don’t know you that well, but you’re following my blog now so you obviously know i’m a “sexual deviant” or something (i don’t even know what you mean by that term)… Regardless. My two cents:

    If a guy forces you to do anything you don’t want to do, he’s totally not worth it. i know i saw in a more recent post that you called it off with him. Don’t go back. If you see warning signs in anyone else… run away. Seriously. i know for us with BPD it’s hard. Not only do we think that the person we are with is God, but as soon as they mess up they are terrible. But then we know that we need them a lot. It’s a whole confused mess. But you have to think for yourself, about yourself.

    Even in the kink or fetish community, this kind of behavior is wrong. It’s one of those things – “If you wouldn’t do it in a normal relationship, why would you think it’s ok here?”

    On your fetish or “quirk”: Don’t be ashamed of it, whatever it is. Everyone has them. Yes, there are some that are more “taboo” than others… and people usually are ashamed of those. But they shouldn’t be, as long as they don’t hurt anyone. Thoughts are one thing – actions are another. If whatever your “quirk” is could damage someone or something… just don’t act on it. You can think about it, and that’s fine. But as long as you don’t do it, you’re good. If it doesn’t hurt anyone or anything (unconsentually, of course) or isn’t super against the law… Go for it! It might make you happy, in a moment. Find someone that you would trust to do something like that with you. So long as they don’t manipulate you into it.

    i wish you luck on your journey.

    1. I guess my issue isn’t the ‘sexual deviant’ side of things – it’s the fact that I felt pressured. Just glad it’s gone now. x

      1. Pressure is never good. It took my Fiance to swoop in and rescue me from a situation i was pressured into, and then a ton of other talks, to get me to realize when i was being pressured and to just stand up for myself. :/ Glad you’re away from the situation now though.

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