Yesterday started badly anyway. I weighed myself, although I knew I shouldn’t, to find I had put on a pound. It was stupid, it was probably water weight, but it set my mood to negative before I had even started.
I went to work, and was getting on with things but it was steady progress because the BT lines had gone down so there wasn’t really much we could do. The previous evening, Chris had told me he would be in Swindon on Thursday evening for work (the reason why he cancelled our date). I text him and asked him whether he would like me to drive up so we could meet up for a coffee, but he text back and replied to say he was going out with work friends and couldn’t be unsociable, which was fine, however I am not feeling a good feeling about this any longer. Since the incident with him pressuring me and talking about his fetish, things have been weird, and he has been quiet. I don’t know whether it is because he feels awkward, or guilty, or whether he isn’t interested in having a relationship, or whether he is genuinely busy.
Either way, I feel as though he is backpeddling, and I desperately want to find out what it is I have done wrong, but don’t want to come across as desperate, or a bunny boiler, which I am risking if I keep texting him, or suggesting times to meet up. We are meant to be meeting on Sunday at 2pm to take Hogan for a walk so I guess if he cancels that, then I will have my answer. Until then, I need to bide my time, keep quiet, and leave the ball in his court.
Unfortunately, due to me perceiving his silence as rejection, I then starting thinking thoughts such as, If he doesn’t want me, then who will? Which led to Why would anyone want me? Look at me? Look at my arm. Which led to I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life….
After work, I drove to B&Q to pick up some tiles for my bathroom. As I drove there, I drove past KFC and suddenly felt very, very weak. Over the past month I have been very, very good with my diet and nearly lost a full 12lbs, and gone down a clothes size. This has been through healthy eating, exercise such as yoga and pole fitness, and wii fit/dancing. I have had the occasional treat, but nothing to this extent. When I finished at B&Q, I knew what I was going to do and without a second thought, drove to KFC and bought a zinger meal, two popcorn chicken meals, two BBQ wrap meals, a milk chocolate krushems and a fanta. I ate it while I was driving, one hand on the wheel and one stuffing the food in my mouth. I almost crashed several times through not concentrating but didn’t care, I was too busy filling my stomach with the crap that I had bought. I knew I had to get home as soon as possible because as those of you in the ‘know’ will agree, the longer you leave it after a binge, the harder it is to purge.
After the first two meals I felt sick already, and stuffed full, but I carried on going. I suppose my stomach had stopped being used to such an influx of food and was struggling, but I was pleased I was feeling sick because it would make it easier to bring it up afterwards. When I got home, I brought it all up, and carried on forcing my fingers down my throat until I was throwing up water and blood – because then I knew it was completely gone – I just hoped that my stomach hadn’t managed to extract too many calories before I managed to get rid of it.
I was going to try and not eat anything at all last night to make up for my mishap but I found I was really hungry, so had a pot of yoghurt. It was painful eating as my throat was sore but I guess that is the price I have to pay. I did 40 minutes of yoga using the new iPad app I have which made me feel better, like I was doing something positive. Strangely enough, I didn’t feel as upset as I normally do after purging, which didn’t make sense.
I didn’t feel guilty for myself, although perhaps I should have done. I felt guilty because I knew I would have to admit to people that I had been weak, and I felt ashamed of that. However, I did feel as though having to admit this would be a good punishment and reminder to not do it again if at all possible. I also think that although this was to do with food, I don’t think it was completely to do with trying to lose weight. I used to binge and purge a lot when I felt out of control, or in emotional pain. I wonder perhaps whether feeling rejected by Chris pushed me to it, or the stress and pressure from the bad time I had over last weekend.
I know I am only 25 but one of my biggest fears is being on my own for the rest of my life. I just want to find someone who can be my best friend as well as my partner, someone who will support me and need me to support them, someone who isn’t going to mess me around, and someone who I can start a family with. I would love to chance to be a mother, and bring up beautiful children who will always know they are loved. Whether or not I get that chance – with my mental health, my poly cystic ovaries, the damage I did to my body through suicide attempts – who knows, it is a dream and right now it seems very far off.
In other news I bought an X-pole, which I am going to put up in my house. I’ve now finished the beginners pole dancing course and moved up to intermediates. I figured if I had one at home I could try more stuff (be more comfortable with no one watching lol) and I can see a massive improvement in my upper body strength already so I hope through the pole fitness and yoga this will continue.
I know I said my goal weight is 11 stone 6 but realistically I would love to get to 10 stone 6. At least then I know I will be on the smaller side of healthy rather than the larger side of healthy – then there is room for mishaps, or the occasional treat. At the very least, I am no longer 12 stone 6, which was my heaviest I have ever been and I felt totally disgusting. I am starting to feel a little better in myself although I know there is still need for massive changes.
I had a psychiatrist appointment on monday which went well. He is a really nice man and has read my blog, which he said was very impressive. I won’t go into the appointment too much other than to say he was impressed that I had stopped taking Diazepam on a daily basis, and only take it on emergencies, and also that my referral for psychological therapies (DBT) had been processed so I should be getting an appointment letter in the next couple of weeks. I am not holding my breath – this is the NHS we are talking about after all – in fact I did say to the psych that if I had waited for the NHS to help me I would be dead by now. In the meantime, I guess I need to carry on with the DBT by myself, until I get offered the therapy.
I also went to my smear test which wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be, and was over relatively quickly. I feel good about myself that I did something sensible, which I didn’t particularly want to do, but still did it, and on my own too.