I know it sounds stupid, petty and crazy but it means a lot to me that I am not alone on Valentines Day. I know it is only a day, and it is really commercialised, but it has become really important to me that I am secure that people love me, and being alone on this evening would not sit well with those positive thoughts.
So, don’t judge me, but after I ended things with Chris, I went straight back on the internet dating site and started talking to someone called Pete (name changed for obvious reasons). He is the complete opposite of Chris – works in financial services, still lives with his parents, but seems to be a really sweet, kind and gentle man. I suppose that is what I want – someone who is safe and respectful – someone who will support and love me. I know I am getting ahead of myself but that is what I am looking for.
I had a visit from my CPN yesterday and we talked through my I had my binge/purge episode last week, and how I felt about it. I admitted that the following day, I had similar feelings but I really fought hard and didn’t act upon them. I felt almost as though I had open the floodgates by doing it once, but it was just as well I was so bloody minded and wouldn’t let myself do it again. The same thing happens if I cut – if I cut once it’s almost as though I have broken a barrier and I have nothing left in reserve to fight it off.
We also talked about why I feel I need to go on internet dating sites. The sad truth is actually a lot to do with Facebook. (Don’t laugh, just bear with me on this one). I see all the people I went to school with getting new boyfriends, getting engaged, getting pregnant, getting married, going on holiday with their partners – and I feel jealous, I feel left behind, I feel like people will think I am incapable of maintaining a relationship because I am on my own, and I feel like I need to prove a point by being able to have a NORMAL relationship. On the other hand, I desperately want someone to love me, and someone who will accept my love in the way I need to give it. It’s all very well me giving my love to friends such as Jen and Kim, but on the grand scale of things, even though they accept me as I am, it isn’t entirely appropriate. I need an outlet for these emotions which is acceptable – but I also need to be careful as I can see how this has led to inappropriate or far too intense relationships in the past.
I told my CPN that I go through phases of being super confident about being on my own, then I get a sudden urge to find someone and go mad on the internet dating sites, messaging everyone and anyone. I try hard to stay respectful to myself but inevitably come across as promiscuous. I walk round tesco and try to catch peoples eye, and other things like that, almost like I can can’t control myself and inevitably leading to trouble.
In other news I finally broke my 11 stone 8 barrier, only by a couple of ounces (11 stone 7.6) but I still did it… must have been the spin class… definitely going to go back next week and nearly kill myself again, lol. (Sorry, bad turn of phrase but you have to laugh at these things…!)