I can feel myself becoming Eating Disordered again

This morning, I stepped on the scales, and after yesterdays happiness from seeing 11 stone 7 on the scales, I saw 11 stone 9 (which became 11 stone 8 after I stood on one foot, lol). I genuinely don’t know why I have gone up again, as yesterday I ate well, didn’t have pancakes AND went to pole fitness for 1.5 hours. I was genuinely upset, when I suddenly had a relevation. I am heading down a well beaten track, that I have been down many times before.

I do not want this. I want to be healthy, not disordered. This journey is becoming obsessive, especially shown as I had a binge/purge incident last week – when will it happen again, and what excuse will I make next time? I have to stop this right now. I have decided not to weigh myself again until March 1st, when I can check I am on track for my goal weight of 11 stone 6lbs by March 9th (Crufts). I am in general happy with the changes happening to me body, although I would like them to be happening faster, but I can’t do anything about that. My strength and flexibility are improving, although my core strength still leaves a lot to be desired. I am also slowly becoming fitter in terms of aerobic fitness, and can just about make out the faint line of ab muscles at the top of my stomach.

I have looked up some exercises to work on my lower abs, which will hopefully improve my ‘pot belly’, the thing I have the biggest issue with. These are leg raises and bicycle kicks (if you want to join me these videos demonstrate how to do them):

How to do bicycle kicks:

How to do leg raises (safely – watch your lower back):

I am still getting lots of pain in my stomach, particularly in the morning. I haven’t mentioned this before as it is something I assumed it was something I had caused through laxative abuse. Previously, and particularly when lying down, I would get sharp shooting pains at the bottom of my stomach, deep inside. Sometimes I can tolerate them and just lie there with my eyes closed until they pass, other times they make my cry out. I have also had on/off diarrhoea for years but yet again it is something I put down to the laxative abuse. I guess I just think I must have damaged my insides too much. Anyway, it is getting a lot worse, particularly recently, so I am considering being brave and going to the doctors. I’m just frightened because I will be ashamed, especially if I have to have a camera up my bum, which I think is what it will come to!!!

On another note, I have decided I will no longer be posting historical blog posts from my life as an escort, or my previous eating disorders. It does nothing to help me, and I’m sure it doesn’t help you guys either, even if it is interesting to read. Those things need to stay in the past so I am able to move on with my life.

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10 comments

  1. remember that through exercise you will build up muscle which will balance out eventually but can make it look like your weight fluctuates as well as all the other stuff water retention, menstrual cycle, why do you think there is always a queue in the toilets before slimming club meetings lol I know it is easy to say but you need to try to stop the daily weighing you will only get a true reflection of how you are doing if it is done over a week but I know that will be too hard for you at the minute maybe try to cut it back to every other day then when you are comfortable with that every third day

    1. Yeah, I know, thanks. I keep telling myself that. xxxx

  2. I can relate to that feeling of the scales going up when you did nothing different. Hang in there. It could be good old water retention! Oh how that’s a bitch….keep going as you have been and it will change again. How do you feel about the numbers going down. D you think you could find the strength to stay where you are?

    1. The numbers going down is the best feeling in the world, and I had forgotten how addictive it is, hence why I have to stop this before I get it too deep. 🙂 xx

      1. That’s logical and wise, in the end the better idea, do you have any support that will help you fit this?

  3. zombievickers · · Reply

    When were you diagnosed with bpd? And how does dbt work for you? I’m about to start a group dbt treatment and the thought of being in a group scares the crap out of me.

    1. I was diagnosed when I was about 20, after years of having the wrong diagnoses. DBT is fantastic but I am on a waiting list for a group – everything I have done so far has been done on my own.
      Please don’t be scared about going to the group, it will be the best thing you have every done, but PLEASE stick at it and grab this opportunity with both hands. xxxxxxxxxx

      1. zombievickers · ·

        Oh I plan to. I’m so tired of feeling caged by my emotions and the actions they result in. I think I’m most worried because I know most people in the DBT program have masochistic behavior that they are trying to work out, like yourself, and I thankfully do not have that…so I guess I’m afraid that people in group will think my problems are daft in comparison.

      2. Everyones problems are significant to themselves and no-one will judge you (the first session normally involves signing a contract that states as much). Just be glad you don’t suffer with these behaviours – and not worried because you don’t feel you are ‘ill enough’ or ‘less deserving of help’. It hopefully means that you have less to work through and more hope for a full and complete recovery. xx

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