This morning, I stepped on the scales, and after yesterdays happiness from seeing 11 stone 7 on the scales, I saw 11 stone 9 (which became 11 stone 8 after I stood on one foot, lol). I genuinely don’t know why I have gone up again, as yesterday I ate well, didn’t have pancakes AND went to pole fitness for 1.5 hours. I was genuinely upset, when I suddenly had a relevation. I am heading down a well beaten track, that I have been down many times before.
I do not want this. I want to be healthy, not disordered. This journey is becoming obsessive, especially shown as I had a binge/purge incident last week – when will it happen again, and what excuse will I make next time? I have to stop this right now. I have decided not to weigh myself again until March 1st, when I can check I am on track for my goal weight of 11 stone 6lbs by March 9th (Crufts). I am in general happy with the changes happening to me body, although I would like them to be happening faster, but I can’t do anything about that. My strength and flexibility are improving, although my core strength still leaves a lot to be desired. I am also slowly becoming fitter in terms of aerobic fitness, and can just about make out the faint line of ab muscles at the top of my stomach.
I have looked up some exercises to work on my lower abs, which will hopefully improve my ‘pot belly’, the thing I have the biggest issue with. These are leg raises and bicycle kicks (if you want to join me these videos demonstrate how to do them):
How to do bicycle kicks:
How to do leg raises (safely – watch your lower back):
I am still getting lots of pain in my stomach, particularly in the morning. I haven’t mentioned this before as it is something I assumed it was something I had caused through laxative abuse. Previously, and particularly when lying down, I would get sharp shooting pains at the bottom of my stomach, deep inside. Sometimes I can tolerate them and just lie there with my eyes closed until they pass, other times they make my cry out. I have also had on/off diarrhoea for years but yet again it is something I put down to the laxative abuse. I guess I just think I must have damaged my insides too much. Anyway, it is getting a lot worse, particularly recently, so I am considering being brave and going to the doctors. I’m just frightened because I will be ashamed, especially if I have to have a camera up my bum, which I think is what it will come to!!!
On another note, I have decided I will no longer be posting historical blog posts from my life as an escort, or my previous eating disorders. It does nothing to help me, and I’m sure it doesn’t help you guys either, even if it is interesting to read. Those things need to stay in the past so I am able to move on with my life.