Bad Cervical Screening Result

So yesterday before I went on my date, I was opening my post, to find a letter containing the results of my cervical smear (PAP) test results.

The letter said that they had found evidence of a Human Papilloma Virus Infection (HPV) and dyskaryosis in some of the cells on my cervix. At first, when I read the letter, I was shocked, but didn’t have time to process it as I had to meet Pete (see post here for who he is) for our ‘valentines date’. It went reasonably well, but he was very nervous and I could tell that. Very sweet and thoughtful, brought me flowers and a sweet card, insisted on paying for the meal, and what he had to say about his job and hobbies was interesting.

The only downside was how nervous he was, and clearly lacking in self confidence. That in itself wouldn’t be a problem, but then he let slip that although he is 34, his first girlfriend was last year. Shamefully, thoughts on the movie the 40-year-old virgin ran through my mind. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily but then I worry that it would be me that hurts him – and now the additional worry of me infecting him.

When I got home at about 10pm I became very anxious and agitated, so took some diazepam to calm things down. I read through the letter again, it said I needed to ring a number to arrange a coloscopy. I started googling both HPV and cell changes. As far as I can gather, HPV is a sexual transmitted infection which affects more than 80% of people who are sexually active, it is the most common. Once you have it, you can’t get rid of it, but it is the cause of cervical cancer, and one website scared me by saying it can only take a couple of months to cause it (cue me needing to make more diazepam!). I had spoken to Kim just before the date but didn’t want to tell her as she has a lot on at the moment, and I didn’t want her to worry. I didn’t even want to tell Jen. I think it was partly because I didn’t want her to worry, and partly because I didn’t want to admit the shame I was feeling about being dirty and contracting a sexually transmitted disease. The more I read the more it seems that even people who only have one partner in their life can still get it and you shouldn’t been ashamed, but with someone who has a background like mine – well, what am I supposed to think?! To me those little voices in the darkness of my mind who whisper to me ‘you are a whore’ (metaphorically speaking of course as I don’t hear voices – just to clear that one up) and now whispering ‘You aren’t just a whore, now you are a dirty infected whore’.

What does this mean for my future sex life? If the virus never goes away does this mean everyone I have sex with in the future will catch it? On google it says that it can still be passed even when using condoms? When did I catch it? I had a full STD when I stopped escorting but apparently this virus will only be picked up on a cervical screening test and not a normal set of STD tests. I have no symptoms – so I may not have known. Apparently there are over 100 strains of the virus but split into two types; ‘Low Risk’ where you see warts around your genitals, and ‘High Risk’ which causes cervical cancer – I am presuming I have the latter because I have no warts, and I already have changes in the cells of the cervix.

In the end, Jen knew immediately that something wasn’t right with me and asked me what was bothering me. Telling her made me feel ashamed, but she was understanding as she normally is, telling me not to worry until we know all the facts. But what are the facts? I have no idea. I phoned up today and booked a doctors appointment for Monday at 2.30pm so I can talk about the consequences of what they told me in the letter. I have tried to make an appointment at the hospital for a colposcopy but can’t get through at the moment.

This morning, I phoned Kim. I knew I was going to blog about it and didn’t want her reading about it on here before her telling me herself. She was supportive, as I knew she would be. I am just so scared about what this means, what I am going to have to do to sort it. If I caught it years ago – that means anyone whom I have had unprotected (or even protected according to google) sex with will have caught it. More recently that means Tom, my trainer, who since has had sex with his wife. Am I obligated to tell him, should I tell him?! And then there is Simon who I went to Iceland with, who lied to his girlfriend and said that he and I had never slept together – that means he will have now passed it to her – and she won’t know. Should I tell him for him to warn her?! Oh god I feel sick just thinking about it. I have had unprotected sex with 6 people in my life, but I don’t even know how people I have slept with using a condom. It could have been anyone. I feel dirty, disgusting, like I want to give up. Does this mean I have to tell anyone who I am initmate from this point forward about my infection? Does it ever go away? Surely it is not enough for me to suffer with BPD, PCOS, IBS…. now I have HPV too. I must have been really bad in a past life.


  1. I went through a similar thought process when I got told I have HPV. I felt dirty, and like a whore, and like no man would ever want me again. And then I developed the warts. Cue another bout of self-loathing. However, it’s true that nearly 80% of sexually active people (both men and women) carry it and many never show symptoms. As I was in a committed relationship when I was diagnosed, married to my husband, it wasn’t too big a deal for us. We’re still not entirely sure who gave it to whom. The warts are mildly annoying, but not a big deal. The thing to be concerned about is the pre-cancerous cells on your cervix. I was told that the treatment for that was for the gynecologist to apply this special stuff to the affected areas and then go in for paps every 6 months to monitor it. The stuff procedure was mildly uncomfortable, but not really bad at all. I don’t have to mess with that anymore as I no longer have a cervix, but a pelvic exam every 6 months is not really a huge deal.

    Just try not to beat yourself up over this. It’s treatable, totally treatable. I wouldn’t worry about notifying anyone since it’s likely that one of the people you’d tell is actually the one who gave it to you in the first place. Just keep safe from now on.

  2. Thanks for your reply. If it’s treated does that mean it is no longer infectious?

    1. I was told if you have the one with the warts that kind does not tut=rn to cancer if you read info on hpv thats the good kind to have and they can not remove your entire cervex ? if you have cancer they take out the portiontions of it that r bad or cancerious

  3. zombievickers · · Reply

    So, my Aunt has HPV and consequently also had/has cervical cancer. She just had her hysterectomy in October of last year. From what I understand nearly everyone has it, it can lie dormant for years and years and then one day just pop in to say hello. Most men never have symptoms because with men it’s almost ALWAYS dormant, transmittable but dormant. It doesn’t really affect you like other STD’s so the only way to screen is cervical and prostate screenings. I would ask your doctor for more hard facts obviously but I also wouldn’t go rushing out to your ex partners just yet, chances are that if they have it…they’ve already passed it on. Ask your doctor what the protocol is for an STD like that. I know here in the states if you have a transmittable STD you are required by law to notify your previous and future sexual partners but I don’t know what the limitations on that are in the UK. Just try not to freak yourself out, the biggest threat with it is the cervical cancer and that’s like the babiest of baby cancers (not that all cancer isn’t horrible) and is almost always fixable 🙂

    1. Yeah, I have an appointment tomorrow to talk it through. Guess my lack oc knowledge isn’t helping, it’s just the thought of having an std that I can’t get rid of!

      1. zombievickers · ·

        I know. I don’t like change or things that are out of my control so I can’t imagine what it must be like. STD or not though, you’re still you…and that’s good enough for me 🙂

      2. Ahh thank you ❤ xx

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