I have an hour and a half of work left and I’m not going too well, I feel as though I am on the brink of dissociation, even typing this with correct spelling and grammar is proving difficult, and I have to keep going back and re-typing. I thought earlier of a really good metaphor for this pre-dissociative state, it is like a computer when it crashes.
The computer is working fine (normal functioning), ticking along nicely, and then you ask it to cope with more programs (trauma or distress), and it doesn’t have enough memory (behavioural skills) so it crashes (dissociation). This crash means the computer cannot function and everything stops, even the programs that were working fine before you added more programs to the mix. The peripherals like the keyboard and mouse (arms and legs) are completely useless and only serve to cause more problems when attempting in vain to fix the problem by madly clicking on different icons on the screen (destructive behaviours/self harm). There are two things you can do in this situation, sit and wait to see if the computer will resolve the crash by itself, or turn it off (go to sleep). Normally after a restart, the computer will function again, but crash when too much load is applied as before. The only way to sort this is to purchase more memory (behavioural skills/Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) which will allow it to cope with more programs without crashing.
In essence, our brain is a computer, albeit a very complex one, which is probably why my analogy works so well. So why am I feeling so shit? I can’t concentrate on any of my work so have decided to think of the things that MUST be done today, and the rest can go in a tray to wait until Monday. My arms and legs are starting to feel fuzzy and lose feeling (clear sign I am heading into dissociation) and I can hear that familiar rushing sound in my ears, like the sound of a train approaching on the underground. People are talking to me but I really don’t feel as though I am hearing them, they seem to be in a far off distance. All I really want to do is go home, curl up on my sofa and snuggle my face into Hogans fur.
I know I shouldn’t worry about the smear test results until I know the full picture but it really is hard not to. I feel like my ‘base level’ of anxiety is doubled today, perhaps because I am no longer taking a daily dose of diazepam (just on a PRN dose now). These are the times I wish I was still taking it. I feel fractious, on edge. What doesn’t help is that I have an appointment tonight at 5.40pm to give blood and I am dreading it – I hate needles. Plus, Pete offered to come with me, and I hope I am able to donate through my right arm otherwise he will see the scars on my left. Plus, I may have to say I am on anti-depressants and I don’t want him to hear that. I don’t know what the set-up is like, whether they are private cubicles or not. I only agreed for him to come because I thought that one more persons blood could potentially save another life.
My goal at the moment is to just keep myself together until home time, get the blood donation out of the way, then go home and be on my own with Hogan, preferably asleep.