Yesterday I was faced with a situation which I have found myself in before, and this time, I reacted completely differently. For those of you who weren’t following me in the early days, you can read about the bus driver here. About two years ago, I walked into him in Tesco – inevitable really as we live in the same town. As soon as I saw him, I panicked, turn on my heel and ran out of the shop, leading to a full blown panic attack. I was ill at the time anyway, and in no position to deal with the distress seeing him would cause me – not because he had ‘physically assaulted’ me in my head, but because of the distress of all the conflicting emotions about the situation. Last night I went to Tesco to do my shopping, and walked past him again. This time, our eyes met, and I didn’t feel panic or shame. I saw him for what he was – a lonely man who let himself be taken over by feelings for a young girl, and trying to get things he wasn’t entitled to. Of course, he didn’t expect to encounter a young undiagnosed borderline – he thought he was asking for sex with a vulnerable but promiscuous 16 year old. I suppose at the very least, I hope the situation served as a shock to him, and a reminded that young girls are not to be touched, especially as he is married with two young children.
When our eyes met, I am proud to say that I didn’t even have that immediate stab of panic, I just felt calm and in control. I held the eye contact, and unbelievably, I smiled. I was smiling more for myself I think, than for him. I had suddenly realised that I have moved on from what happened, I have forgiven him for being inappropriate, and more importantly I have forgiven myself. I was young and naive, and although what I did was wrong, I learnt a lot from it, and I cannot punish myself forever.
On another note, I had a Skype chat with my friend Phil last night. He has always been quite into fitness and has recently, like me, embarked on a new regime (his is a lot more hardcore than mine though!!). I was moaning to him that I have now been stuck at 11 stone 8 now for 3 weeks, and am desperate to meet my goal of 11 stone 6, by March 9th. What he had to say was really difficult to hear because it went against everything I have believe for the most part of the past 15 years, but I know it is true and real, and I need to start accepting it. By blogging about this, I hope I can help some of you guys to see that there is another way that Ana/Mia/EDNOS.
First of all, he told me that muscle weighs more than fat. Yeah…. I know this, we all do. It’s what people tell you when you aren’t losing weight, or when you have put weight on. I always thought they just said that to try and make me feel better, to stop me from nosediving straight back into my eating disorder. But, this time, Phil backed it up with pictures. Check these out. I actually couldn’t believe me eyes.
I was gob smacked. I mean how can that be possible, especially the first picture. She is HEAVIER but smaller. This is going to take quite some work to get my head round the fact that lower numbers do not equal smaller body. This blows up in the air everything I have every believed about my body, and quite frankly, is rather traumatic. How can I ever get my head round this? How can I ever let the numbers go up???? I know that a lot of dieting problems are in our head – and this is the thing I need to work on, before I can work properly on my body.
This picture just goes even further to demonstrate what I’m on about. Fat on the left, muscle on the right, and they weigh exactly the same. Look at all the space that fat takes up, compared to the muscle. So we can get smaller, but weigh the same?? I HAVE TO STOP OBSESSING ABOUT THE NUMBERS ON THE SCALES.
I am feeling motivated, but a little overwhelmed, and concerned that I am not going to be able to get my head in the right place. I need to keep looking at these pictures until I actually BELIEVE in what I am saying.