Over emotional

Feeling really over emotional right now and very upset. I am trying to understand the reasons I am feeling this way and so far, this is what I can come up with. I believe the reasons are good enough to justify how upset I am feeling, so I am able to validate my feelings. However, I need to find a good way to deal with them to prevent them from turning into self destructive actions.

1) I came on my period this morning, so my stomach hurts really bad, there are lots of hormones flying around my body and I am generally feeling sorry for myself. I have taken paracetamol but it always makes me feel a bit strange, probably due to previous overdoses on paracetamol which led to me being on a parvolex drip. A couple of times I refused the drip, and once or twice the overdoses were in such close succession I was not allowed access to the parvolex drip and so the paracetamol was able to do more damage to my body.

2) Earlier I had a ‘biscuit binge’ and ate over 500 calories worth of chocolate digestive biscuits, then didn’t purge them (I wouldn’t let myself). I know I would have felt even worse if I had purged but I still feel awful that I left all those calories in my stomach (I know direct contradiction to what I have been saying/how strong I have been over the last couple of days).

3) A good friend of mine, I’ll call her Sarah for the purposes of this blog post, had agreed with me about six months ago that she wanted to use Hogan to make puppies with her dog. Hogan has never been used before, but I was happy with the arrangement we had made. Both dogs have all the relevant health tests and are completely healthy, both dogs have good conformation and work well in the field, and would make a lovely match. Even though I don’t have room for another puppy (physically and emotionally), Sarah had persuaded me to share a puppy with her and I had really come round to the idea. We have spent months talking about the litter, how we are going to do the mating, how we are going to socialise the puppies, potential names. I had started to become really excited waiting for her to come into season – we have been waiting since November. I had even passed through to her several puppy enquiries that had said they definitely wanted a puppy from Sarah’s dog. All the things that Sarah wanted from the puppies, Hogan could give.

Anyway, a couple of days ago, Sarah was talking to me on Facebook and told me that she had something to tell me, and I would be really pissed off. I asked her what, and she told me that she had decided she no longer wanted to use Hogan, and she was going to use someone else’s dog. Fair enough I thought, no big deal, until I realised the dog she was using went against everything she had said she was trying to achieve, plus he belongs to Tom, and I’m sure he did some persuading. I’m not going to slag the dog off on here – those are my own thoughts, but I was very disappointed, but felt OK about it and tried to let it go.

I spoke to Tom today, however, and he told me that his dog was doing the ‘deed’ on Saturday evening. Sarah hadn’t even told me her dog was in season. All this time waiting for her to come in, and then at the last minute she no longer wants Hogan. I spoke to Kim about this at length, and the whole time I kept saying I wasn’t upset that she wasn’t using Hogan, I was just upset that for 6 months she had fed me all this shit about what she wanted from the litter, and now is going completely against everything she said. However, I think deep down I really am upset that she isn’t using Hogan. It feels like rejection I guess, of both him and subsequently me. And disappointment – something exciting was going to happen, and now it isn’t.

4) I was supposed to be going to the grouse moors training with Tom on Saturday but he has cancelled. I was really looking forward to it and now feel very disappointed.

5) I am feeling overwhelmed about the journey I am about to go on with my diet.

I know these are justifiable reasons for feeling upset but I wish I could snap out of it. I have pole fitness tonight and currently feel completely unmotivated. The last two evenings I have gone to bed early, one of them I didn’t even speak to Jen at all, unusual as we speak every night for at least an hour, so I know I must have been down. Just need a big hug right now, to let this feeling out and start feeling better. At least I haven’t had any urges to cut (yet).

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12 comments

  1. BIGGGG HHHHUUUUGGGGGGG! It sounds like a tone of disappointment (abandonment?) about Hogan. I have to say I would probably feel the same. I’m glad you didn’t cut. See the good that you’ve been able to maintain in your actions.

    1. Thank you, I know. This time last year I would have cut without even thinking things through. I’m glad you would feel the same. It means I can validate my feelings (get me, up on my DBT language!) – it means they are real and not something that I am making up, or over exaggerating. x

  2. zombievickers · · Reply

    I would feel the same way about Hogan. I know there are people out there who would argue that it’s an extreme reaction. They can sod off. I know what it’s like to feel dismissed/cast aside/abandoned by a friend and even if it’s not a personal assault…it FEELS personal. No one can control the way things make you feel, not even ourselves. I’m proud if you for not purging. I suppose the binge is a negative behavior as well but you pulled through without exacerbating that by purging. You’re getting there…it’s progress I recognize even over the last two weeks. I urge you to calmly address your feelings to your friend, tell her how her decsision made you feel. I’m sure you feel both abandoned by her for bailing out on her commitment to you and betrayed that she went to Tom, especially considering your history with him. She may not understand or agree with your feelings but the important part is that you communicate them so you can let them rest within yourself instead of building up until you have no choice but to cope by engaging in the behaviors you are trying to correct. Stay strong, logical, and insightful. You are justified to feel the way you do and you will pull through this dark day ❤

    1. Thank you, you are talking a lot of sense and has helped to validate my feelings. I am feeling a lot better now but think it will be best to avoid any conversation with Sarah for the time being as I don’t want to be rude to her, or say anything that is out of order. x

      1. zombievickers · ·

        I have to pull back like that too so I understand. Otherwise I can let the emotion take over and un-intentionally rage at the person my emotion is focused on. So take some time and space but when you’re ready, tell her. It will make you feel better to not carry it inside and better yet, it will make you feel productive 🙂 I start DBT Monday and I’m going to scan my workbooks for you if you want.

      2. That would be great. I have my assessment with Psychological Therapies on tuesday, to see if they have a space for me in a DBT group. I’ve only been waiting two years lol! xxxxxxxx

      3. zombievickers · ·

        Do you have a universal health care system in the UK?

      4. Yeah. It’s called the NHS and provides free healthcare to all in the UK 🙂

      5. zombievickers · ·

        I’m sure there are pros and cons to that. We don’t have that here. We have government subsidized insurance and private. I paid 1000 pounds for my DBT because they don’t accept any insurance for it. Each provider has the option to accept both private or government insurance or none. The treatment isn’t even available for subsidized patients and the level of mental health care for those people is a joke. It’s crazy. Can you purchase additional private insurance besides the NHS? I guess it’s nice to know you’re going to get standard care there but the bad side is the wait listing for specialized care 😦

      6. That sounds awful. What happens if you can’t afford insurance? We can buy private insurance which is normally a lot faster, but it’s quite expensive. xx

  3. zombievickers · · Reply

    It is pretty awful. The subsidized care is called Medicaid and it’s determined on a sliding scale based on your income. The lower the income, the lower your co-pay (yes, there is still a co-pay). But there is a cap on income. So if you have a family of four and make more than 22,350 USD a year, you do not qualify. It varies state to state but yea. So that’s something like 39,000 pounds. It’s depraved and every provider has the option not to accept it so the level of care is terrible and sub-standard, I had it when I was a teenager because my mom was disabled. If you don’t qualify, then you have the option to tough it out or go to the emergency room, they are required to treat you no matter what but they also charge you no matter what, so if you can’t pay your bill it goes on your credit history making it impossible to get loans, cars, utilities, and even cellulars. My husband has insurance through his job for us and our son and we pay about 900 pounds a month. Plus co-pays and out-of-pocket deductibles. And if you have a health condition prior to coverage your rates increase drastically. It’s awful.

    1. Wow that is terrible. Makes me grateful to live in the UK. For all the moaning we do, all the healthcare is free, and if there is an emergency, you get the treatment you need (all free too).

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