Feeling really over emotional right now and very upset. I am trying to understand the reasons I am feeling this way and so far, this is what I can come up with. I believe the reasons are good enough to justify how upset I am feeling, so I am able to validate my feelings. However, I need to find a good way to deal with them to prevent them from turning into self destructive actions.
1) I came on my period this morning, so my stomach hurts really bad, there are lots of hormones flying around my body and I am generally feeling sorry for myself. I have taken paracetamol but it always makes me feel a bit strange, probably due to previous overdoses on paracetamol which led to me being on a parvolex drip. A couple of times I refused the drip, and once or twice the overdoses were in such close succession I was not allowed access to the parvolex drip and so the paracetamol was able to do more damage to my body.
2) Earlier I had a ‘biscuit binge’ and ate over 500 calories worth of chocolate digestive biscuits, then didn’t purge them (I wouldn’t let myself). I know I would have felt even worse if I had purged but I still feel awful that I left all those calories in my stomach (I know direct contradiction to what I have been saying/how strong I have been over the last couple of days).
3) A good friend of mine, I’ll call her Sarah for the purposes of this blog post, had agreed with me about six months ago that she wanted to use Hogan to make puppies with her dog. Hogan has never been used before, but I was happy with the arrangement we had made. Both dogs have all the relevant health tests and are completely healthy, both dogs have good conformation and work well in the field, and would make a lovely match. Even though I don’t have room for another puppy (physically and emotionally), Sarah had persuaded me to share a puppy with her and I had really come round to the idea. We have spent months talking about the litter, how we are going to do the mating, how we are going to socialise the puppies, potential names. I had started to become really excited waiting for her to come into season – we have been waiting since November. I had even passed through to her several puppy enquiries that had said they definitely wanted a puppy from Sarah’s dog. All the things that Sarah wanted from the puppies, Hogan could give.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, Sarah was talking to me on Facebook and told me that she had something to tell me, and I would be really pissed off. I asked her what, and she told me that she had decided she no longer wanted to use Hogan, and she was going to use someone else’s dog. Fair enough I thought, no big deal, until I realised the dog she was using went against everything she had said she was trying to achieve, plus he belongs to Tom, and I’m sure he did some persuading. I’m not going to slag the dog off on here – those are my own thoughts, but I was very disappointed, but felt OK about it and tried to let it go.
I spoke to Tom today, however, and he told me that his dog was doing the ‘deed’ on Saturday evening. Sarah hadn’t even told me her dog was in season. All this time waiting for her to come in, and then at the last minute she no longer wants Hogan. I spoke to Kim about this at length, and the whole time I kept saying I wasn’t upset that she wasn’t using Hogan, I was just upset that for 6 months she had fed me all this shit about what she wanted from the litter, and now is going completely against everything she said. However, I think deep down I really am upset that she isn’t using Hogan. It feels like rejection I guess, of both him and subsequently me. And disappointment – something exciting was going to happen, and now it isn’t.
4) I was supposed to be going to the grouse moors training with Tom on Saturday but he has cancelled. I was really looking forward to it and now feel very disappointed.
5) I am feeling overwhelmed about the journey I am about to go on with my diet.
I know these are justifiable reasons for feeling upset but I wish I could snap out of it. I have pole fitness tonight and currently feel completely unmotivated. The last two evenings I have gone to bed early, one of them I didn’t even speak to Jen at all, unusual as we speak every night for at least an hour, so I know I must have been down. Just need a big hug right now, to let this feeling out and start feeling better. At least I haven’t had any urges to cut (yet).