Homework number one (Online DBT Class)

So I have just recieved my homework feedback from my first week participating in the online DBT class here: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass.

This was my homework: (The module is currently Interpersonal Effectiveness, and the section is ‘ Options for Intensity of Asking or Saying No, and Factors to Consider in Deciding’

INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS
>
> HOMEWORK SHEET 2
>
> Observing and Describing Interpersonal Situations
>
> Name ______Shelley________________ Date
____18/02/2013____
>
> Fill out this sheet during or just after a situation that creates a problem for you such as one where: 1) your rights or wishes are not being respected, 2) you want someone to do or change something or give you something, 3) you want or need to say no or resist pressure to do something, 4) you want to get your position or point of view taken seriously, 5) there is conflict with another person. Observe and describe in writing as close in time to the situation as possible. Write on back of page if you need more room.
>
> PROMPTING EVENT for my problem? Who did what to whom? What led up to what?
>
> I had met a man on an internet dating website and been on a couple of dates. I really liked him as he seemed perfect, and wanted him to like me too. After I had known him for 10 days, he told me he had a fetish, and asked me to reveal to him things that I liked with regards to sex.
>
>
>
> What I SAID OR DID in the situation: (Be SPECIFIC.) Rate INTENSITY of response.
>
> I initially refused to discuss or disclose anything on this subject about myself, but he kept on going on and on about the fact that he had told me his `secret’ that he hadn’t told anyone and that I needed to tell him about myself. I kept telling him I was not comfortable but he simply would not take no for an answer and in the end, I just told him, to keep the peace.
>
>
>
> INTENSITY-RATING (0-6): ____6_____
>
> FACTORS REDUCING MY EFFECTIVENESS in this situation:
>
> I wanted him to like me desperately; I was concerned that no-one would want me because of my BPD and the scars on my arms. I had told him about my scars and he had accepted it, so I thought I should go out of my way to avoid upsetting or annoying him.
>
> SKILLS LACKING: (What don’t I know how to do or say?)
>
>
> I was not able to identify he was manipulating me. I didn’t know how to say no without feeling like I was in the wrong or feeling like I was going upset me/he was going to hate me.
>
>
> WORRY THOUGHTS:
>
> That he would hate me, that he would no longer want to see me, that I would be alone again and back to square one after opening myself up to someone emotionally and them `seeming’ to accept me.
>
>
>
> EMOTIONS INTERFERING:
>
> Anxiety, worry, guilt (him telling me private information even though I didn’t ask for it and me not giving him any back)
>
>
>
> INDECISION (or conflict in goals) getting in the way:
>
> Whether I should be honest or whether talking about sexual interests or fetishes after knowing someone for 10 days is inappropriate if you want to have an honest long term relationship rather than a short fling that doesn’t mean anything.
>
> OBJECTIVES; What results do I want? What changes do I want the person to make?
>
> I wanted him to accept I was not ready to discuss matters of this nature with him after only knowing him for 10 days. Those sort of discussions need to be between two people who trust each other.
>
>
>
> RELATIONSHIP: How do I want the other person to feel about me after the interaction?
>
> I want him to respect me for being respectful to myself, and I want him to still like me.
>
>
>
> SELF-RESPECT: How do I wan tot feel about myself after the
interaction?
>
> I want to respect myself for having good morals and sticking to them.
>
>
>
> CONFLICT or INDECISION?
>
>
> Conflict between wanting to be a good, respectful person, and not wanting to make him annoyed at me for not doing what he wanted.
>
>
> ENVIRONMENTAL FACTORS getting in my way:
>
>
> I did not have the skills to say no in a tactful way, I was too afraid of the consequences so agreed to his request
>
>
>
>
> INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS HOMEWORK SHEET 2 (cont.)
>
> ASK? SAY NO?
>
> If more YES’s than NO’s ASK If more NO’s than YES’s, say NO
>
>
>
>
>
> Can person give me what I want? YES
>
> Do I have what person wants? YES
>
> Good time to ask? NO
>
> Is it a bad time for me to say no? NO
>
> Am I prepared? NO
>
>Is request clear? YES
>
> Is what person does my business? NO
>
> Is person in authority over me? NO
>
> Do I have a right to what I am asking for? NO
>
> Does saying no violate person’s rights? NO
>
> Is request appropriate to relationship? NO
>
> Is request appropriate? NO
>
> Am I asking less than I give? NO
>
> Does person give me a lot? Do I owe person? NO
>
> Is asking important to long term goal? NO
>
> Does no interfere with long-term goal? NO
>
> Am I acting competent? YES

> Does wise mind say yes? NO
>
>
> _4_____SUM of YES responses


> ___11___ SUM of NO responses
>
>
>
>
>
> HIGH INTENSITY: TRY AND CHANGE THE SITUATION
>
> Ask firmly, insist . . . 6 . . . Refuse firmly, don’t give in.
>
> Ask firmly, resist no . . . 5 . . . Refuse firmly, resist giving in.
>
> Ask firmly, take no . . . 4 . . . Refuse firmly, but reconsider.
>
> Ask tentatively, take no . . . 3 . . . Express unwillingness.
>
> Hint openly, take no . . . 2 . . . Express unwillingness, but say yes.
>
> Hint indirectly, take no . . . 1 . . . Express hesitancy, say yes.
>
> Don’t ask, don’t hint . . . 0 . . . Do what other wants without being asked.
>
> LOW INTENSITY: ACCEPT THE SITUATION AS IT IS
>

And then here is my feedback from this homework:

Shelley,
 
Through your effective utilization of wise mind and the skills observe and describe you were able to reflect on the interpersonal situation. Through that reflection you were able to recognize, identify and acknowledge the prompting event and what you said in the situation as well as the factors which reduced your effectiveness and the intensity of the situation. No matter how skilled we are in navigating our social worlds, obstacles or blocks to interpersonal effectiveness are bound to arise from time to time. When we are temporarily experiencing stress in a relationship, it is helpful to remind ourselves to step back from the situation and mindfully observe what is happening, without judgment. Half of the battle of overcoming obstacles in relationships lies in accurately identifying the real problem. This involves taking an honest look in the mirror and asking ourselves what we have done or are doing to contribute the problem. Remember we are half of every relationship and must take active responsibility for that which we can control. That being said, in toxic relationships, ones boundaries are consistently and constantly ignored and overstepped. This can be done in one of eight ways: discounting; withdrawing/abandonment; threatening;
 blaming; belittling/denigrating; guilt-tripping; derailing and taking away. In such relationships, it is important to trust your own instincts. When you tell someone ‘no’ and they don’t accept that and wear you down until you say ‘yes’ or comply with what they want, it is important to set and maintain your boundaries. No one deserves to be treated abusively, lied to or betrayed. No one deserves to be made, forced, or coerced into doing something that they don’t want to do. Learning to set boundaries is vital to learning to love our self, and to communicating to others that we have worth. There are basically three parts to a boundary. The first two are setting the boundary, while the third part is what you will do to defend that boundary. “If you…I will…If you continue this behavior, I will….” The “If you” is a description of the behavior you find unacceptable and be as descriptive as possible. The “I will” is a description of what action you will take to protect and take care of yourself in the event the other person violates the boundary. The “If you continue this behavior, I will” is a description of what steps you will take to protect the boundary that you have set.  Remember you have the personal right to say “no” and mean “no” and refuse to do things that make you feel uncomfortable without feeling any guilt.  Keep up the nice work.
I think I understand the feedback as much as I can and am trying to imprint into my mind the lesson that I need to learn. I will start working on this weeks lesson either today or tomorrow. Anyway, just thought I would share with you guys.
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