Things are going quite well at the moment, I am feeling positive about nearly everything in my life.
First of all, my new healthy diet and exercise regime is going really well. I have had a couple of hiccups, but only one binge/purge incident in the two months I have been doing it. Several times I have binged but not allowed myself to purge, making myself feel the food in my stomach, undoing the good work of my diet. I have completely changed the way I eat, going for more green, unprocessed foods. In fact, yesterday I was with friends and we stopped in McDonalds – and I declined anything, not because I was worried of getting fat, but because I was worried about the crap that they put into McDonalds!
I have been doing a lot more exercise too, Yoga on a monday night, Pole fitness on a Wednesday night and spinning on a sunday night (but going to give that up as it is hell). I have also been doing a lot more at home, Wii Fit, Yoga, Zumba and more recently short runs in the morning before work and in the evening. I feel so much better for it and have opened a tumblr account to motivate myself. I am starting to like the ‘burn’ I get from exercise, but I am mindful not to get disordered about it.
Here are my ‘before and after’ shots from 1st January 2013 to 1st March 2013. I can’t see too much of a difference, but I admit I can now see SOME. Perhaps it is because I want the perfect shape NOW, but I know that is only going to come through hard work and nothing else. I have finally realised that I don’t want to be skinny, I want to be fit. Binging and purging is weakness and it makes you bloated and unwell. So does taking laxatives – and on that note, I am feeling almost ready to go to the doctor about my ‘issues’ with my digestion – ever since I took those laxatives as part of my bulimia in my teens, my bowel movements have been completely erratic – 5 out of 7 days they are loose, sometimes like water (sorry too much info), sometimes I am constipated, sometimes lots of wind – I have been putting it off because I know they will want to investigate, probably through a camera up my bum, and I’m too scared of that. Anyway, I have the colposcopy coming up as a follow up from the bad cervical smear test – I might as well get one hole sorted first before I start on the other one, LOL!!!!!
I hope you can see a difference too?
In other news, I am getting on really well with the man I went on a date with last Thursday. His name is James (name changed) and he is really, really lovely. I met him last Thursday and next Thursday he has invited me to stay over – I know a bit too soon but I have a really good feeling, and don’t worry, I’m going to leave his address with a couple of people to make sure they know where I am.
I have been feeling so good that I have been wondering whether or not I should stop taking my medication. I am only on a basic dose now of 20mg Escitalopram daily and I hate the fact that I have to take it. I know that I go on the circle all the time… I get down, I need the meds, I take the meds, they make me feel better, I think I don’t need them, I stop taking them, I get down… and the cycle goes on. I just wish I could come off them for good. I guess I want to be as ‘normal’ as I can. I haven’t told James about my arms yet but I have told him that I went through a difficult time after a relationship break up. I’m guessing I will have to come clean before next Thursday as if we spent the night together (he has assured me that he is a complete gentleman, and he has a spare room I can sleep in, and we can just have a nice night). I so desperately wish I didn’t have these scars – things would be so much easier. I wish I could speak to those children embarking on their journeys with self harm and show them the damage that they will have to live with, to make them think twice.