So I have now have my feedback from my second week of homework from the online DBT therapy course which can be found here: http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/dbtclass/. I am really so pleased that I have found this group, and although I find the homework hard, it is so good to have feedback from it.
My homework, on Getting want you want, using the acronym DEARMAN.
INTERPERSONAL EFFECTIVENESS HOMEWORK SHEET 3
Using Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills
Name _________Shelley_____ _________ __ Week Starting ______23/02/2013
Fill out this sheet whenever you practice your interpersonal skills and whenever you have an opportunity to practice even if you don’t (or almost don’t) do anything to practice. Write on back of page if you need more room.
PROMPTING EVENT for my problem: Who did what to whom? What led up to what?
I work for my mother within the family business, and if a client phones up with a problem, regardless of who caused the problem, she normally belittles me by saying to the client that `SHE will do the job next time to make sure it is done properly’ when I am the one that has done it. This morning when she said it on the phone I asked her afterwards why she feels as though she needs to belittle me so frequently, and she brushed it off and wouldn’t give me a correct answer, and then became defensive and accused me of being in the wrong. I believe she just doesn’t like admitting that she has done something wrong/taking the blame for something, and it is easier to blame me.
OBJECTIVES IN SITUATION (What results I want):
When I asked her, I wanted to understand why she felt it was perfectly fine to belittle me in the way she did. I wanted her to understand that I found this hurtful, and that I wanted her to stop doing it, and start taking some responsibility for her own actions, rather than blaming someone else (me).
RELATIONSHIP ISSUE (How do I want other person to feel about me):
I want her to respect me enough to stop doing this and to think of my feelings
SELF RESPECT ISSUE (How I want to feel about myself):
I often blame myself for mistakes and call myself stupid, or feel as though I need to punish myself. When I feel belittled by her, I have to work hard to not allow myself to believe what she is saying about me. Example: I inspected a property, which was perfectly fine. The landlord went in 2 weeks later and it was messy. He called to complain, and obviously the tenants in the two weeks between had caused damage. I know I cannot help that â€“ I can only inpect what I can see at the time â€“ but my mum told the landlord that SHE would do the inspection the next time so that it was done properly.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _________ _______
What I SAID OR DID in the situation: (Describe and check below.)
DEAR MAN (Getting what I want):
_____ Described situation? _____
Mindful? NO I was to begin with, but allowed myself to be too involved in the situation
YES Expressed feelings/opinions? Told her that I felt belittled and upset
YES Broken record? Repeated how I felt during the conversation
YES Asserted? Clearly stated how I felt and what I wanted to change
NO Ignored attacks? When she became defensive, I allowed this to get to me/upset me and then backed off, and started to doubt whether I had a right to question her
NO Reinforced? Because I had been upset, I had to spend effort keeping myself `together’ rather than concentrating on my DBT skills
YES Appeared confident? Initially I did
NO Negotiated? Not applicable I don’t think
GIVE (Keeping the relationship) :
YES_____ Gentle? _YES____ Interested? _YES____ No threats? _YES____ Validated? _YES____ No attacks? _YES____ Easy manner? _YES____ No judgments?
FAST (Keeping my respect for myself):
_YES____ Fair? _YES____ Stuck to values? __NO___ (No) Apologies? _YES____ Truthful?
INTENSITY OF MY RESPONSE (0 – 6):_4____ INTENSITY I WANTED (0 – 6):__5___
FACTORS REDUCING MY EFFECTIVENESS (check and describe)
_YES____ SKILLS LACKING:
I wasn’t able to reinforce my thoughts, or stay mindful (I allowed her being defensive to detract from my goal)
_YES____ WORRY THOUGHTS;
When challenged, I began to doubt my own thoughts
_YES____ EMOTIONS INTERFERING:
Feeling hurt about how I was being treated made me emotional
And my feedback: