Last night was my second date with James. I say second date, but what actually happened was I drop a friend off just outside town after we go to Pole Fitness, and he happens to live five minutes away, so we arranged for me to come round for dinner, and stay the night. He had previously said to me that he is a complete gentleman, that I could stay in his spare room, and that there was no pressure, so I felt really excited about the evening.
I arrived, and we got chatting. I had a glass of wine but was mindful of the fact that I haven’t drunk for quite a long time and didn’t want to lose control. Things were going really smoothly and I was really enjoying myself. We have a lot in common and I find him really attractive. He is really charismatic, but comes across as very caring, and puts me at ease when I am around him. As the night went on, I talked a little about my life, and the situation with Jean, and the effect it had on me. I had rolled my sleeves up but he didn’t even acknowledge that – or if he did, I didn’t spot it, and you know what we are like for spotting people even glancing at our arms – so give him his due on this score.
The evening passed really quickly and before I knew it, it was past midnight so I said I was going to change into my PJ’s and get ready for bed, and he did too. I asked him whether he would like to cuddle for a bit rather than going to his own bed, and we spooned for a little while in the darkness. It was such an amazing feeling, he is bigger than me and I felt completely at ease and safe in his arms. I had to smile, feeling his erection poking in my back, and feeling secure in the fact that he found me attractive. I turned round to face him, and we began to kiss, after that initial moment of pause where you could feel the ‘sexual tension’ in the air (that sounds wrong but you know what I mean?). There was nothing rough or disrespectful about it, he didn’t push me at all, he was gentle and held me close to him. I pulled him over so he was on top of me, and let my hands explore his body, as he did the same to me. I was glad I was lying on my back (LOL) as my stomach always feels SO much flatter like that. After a couple of minutes, I asked him if he had a condom, and he said no. I was like, ‘what??’ and he told me that he hadn’t even hoped that this might happen. How nice is that?? He really is a gentleman. Awkward moment then when I admitted I had brought some with me (LOL). I know it was only our second date but it just felt right. I couldn’t get close enough to him if I had put myself inside him. I just wanted to be as close as possible and having him inside me would achieve that.
When we started to make love (and I’m describing it like that because there was nothing ‘bad’ or ‘dirty’ about it) it was amazing. I was tingling all over, and it was so caring and gentle.
Afterwards, we held each other tight until we fell asleep. When I woke up in the morning, he was already awake, and he was looking at my arm. I looked at him, feeling slightly concerned, until he started gently caressing my arm, so tenderly.
My only niggle in the back of my mind, is the fact that I can feel myself falling in love with him already. I know that one of the big issues I have due to the Borderline is the intensity of my feelings – I know that this intense love I am feeling isn’t real, it can’t be. Or is this lust? How do I regulate it? Last night during the time we were making love, the words ‘I love you’ were on the tip of my tongue – but of course I have learnt from bitter experience that those words have to be withheld until you are absolutely sure they are what YOU are feeling, not what the borderline is making you feel.
On another note, I forgot to mention yesterday that I had a visit from my CPN. I explained to her the problem with my mum saying I have to take the time off unpaid for therapy. She told me she recommends I re-apply for DLA so I will see what happens with that. Anything would help. And if you don’t ask you don’t get right?