I have had a really great weekend with James. On Saturday I went to Crufts with Hogan (James didn’t come and I was already going with Wendy, a friend) and we had a lovely day, catching up on all that we had been doing. Hogan was really well behaved and won his class, which was a bonus. A couple of people commented on my weight loss which was even better, and made me feel like I really have been making changes to myself, in a positive way.
When I got home, I had a shower, got dressed and got ready as I had tickets to go to the student ‘carbaret’ show at the ‘pole fitness’ place I go to on a Wednesday. Except I use pole fitness in the loosest term… lol…. The show consisted of pole, burlesque and a combination of the two. I was picking Lucy up, a friend on the way, and asked James if he would like to come too. He did, and it was a great night, very funny, slightly awkward at times (lol) but James seemed to enjoy it.
Saturday evening James stayed at my house and I was so tired that we just lay in bed cuddling, and talking. I can’t believe how different I feel about things recently. Whilst lying there, I came to the following conclusions:
- It doesn’t matter if I am carrying extra weight, as if someone loves me, they will love me as I am, not for the weight I am.
- A confident imperfect girl is way more attractive than an unconfident, self-doubting skinny girl
- I feel confident with James and I trust him
As I lay there, the words ‘I love you’ were on the tip of my tongue. I know that it is far too soon to say them, especially as I know I am probably feeling intense feelings because this is all new and exciting. I deliberately stopped myself because I know I need to control that urge – and only say them when it is right, not when my heart is telling me to say them, but this man is amazing. He is gentle, caring, funny, handsome, understanding and supportive. I am so lucky.
I have been thinking recently about how good things feel. I don’t feel ‘depressed’ despite having the occasional blip which is normally brought on my tiredness, and on the whole I don’t have any self harm urges – all my negative feelings are now able to be dealt with in a positive way through understanding of myself. To that effect, on Wednesday morning I am going to the GP to get the contraceptive pill, and might ask at the same time if I can reduce my escitalopram down to half (10mg per day instead of 20mg). Previously I would have just done it by halving the tablets, but I want to do this by the book.
I know that previously I have been on the cycle before – feel low, take meds, they make me feel better, stop taking them, feel low
But this time I have coping strategies in place, I have completely changed my lifestyle and feel I can cope with the negative feelings in a constructive way through my new understanding of myself. There is nothing to say I can’t increase them again if I start to feel low but I want to give myself a chance. I actually have an appointment tomorrow to discuss the MBT so I actually might ask there. I have decided I am going to go for it, although it is the only thing I haven’t told James. It’s quite a big thing – committing to 18 months of therapy, 3 hours a week, and doesn’t sit too well with me when I am trying to make out to him that I am ‘recovered’ – needless to say I haven’t told him those fatal words ‘ Borderline Personality Disorder’ – I just want to give the relationship a chance. He knows I still feel sad sometimes but I want him to know the person I am NOW not the person I WAS.