Having a child when you have Borderline Personality Disorder

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to have a family, but when I got ill I stopped believing it would ever happen. Now I have met James, I have allowed the thought to enter my head again, but obviously not until the time is right. I want to be in a stable position (house, marriage, finances, mental health) before I bring another person in the world. A big part of my concern in my mental health. Will my BPD make me a bad mother? Will it be different now I can control most of my behaviour and I am heading towards recovery? I read a really interesting article which I will copy and paste on this post. The article is pretty negative, using evidence to show that the children of a BPD mother are much more likely to go to have mental health problems themselves, than the children of a non-BPD mother. What does this mean for me? Should I never have children just in case my BPD symptoms get out of control again? I know I will love a child with all my heart, but is that enough?

Have a read and make up your own mind.

Article: Excerpted from: Andrea E. Lamont, Graduate Student Journal of Psychology, 2006, Vol. 8, Teachers College, Columbia University Link here

Children of mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are a potentially disadvantaged group of children that are at risk for future psychopathology. Crandell et al. (1997) demonstrated that attachment status is not completely stable, however, children who are able to resolve early traumatic experiences are able to obtain an ‘earned secure’ attachment status in adulthood. Adults with an earned secure status function comparably to adults who had secure attachment status as children (Crandell et al, 1997). These findings hold great promises for the prognosis of children of mothers with BPD. With adequate attention and intervention, there is hope that children of mothers with BPD will overcome the risks associated with this maternal psychopathology.


Attachment Status and Early Experiences of Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder

Mothers with BPD are characterized by a history of broken relationships and marked instability in multiple domains of their lives. It is anticipated that the characteristic behaviors of BPD will infiltrate the mother-child relationship as much as it interferes with other relationships.


Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms in Context of Parenting

Characteristic symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder are likely to hinder the ability of a mother with BPD to parent effectively, thereby negatively affecting the social and emotional development of the child.

For instance, adults with BPD typically display a pattern of unstable relationships and a host of interpersonal problems (APA, 2000). They generally show a disorganized way of dealing with interpersonal stress and frequently fluctuate between extreme idealization and devaluation of others (Holmes, 2005; APA, 2000). It is suggested that the mother-child relationship is not protected from these interpersonal problems.

Likewise, people with BPD often cross interpersonal boundaries and role expectations. Many people with BPD, for instance, will be empathic towards, and care for, other people only under the expectation that the other person will “be there” for them on demand (APA, 2000). Many habitually make impractical claims that others are not “there” enough and make unrealistic demands for amount of time spent together. They often inappropriately respond with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans (APA, 2000).

Concomitantly, a mother with BPD tends to treat the child as a “need gratifying object” as opposed to an individual, an autonomous person. Such behaviors, mixed with the powerful, alternating idealization and devaluation characteristic of BPD, are likely to obviate a positive mother-child relationship and negatively affect the child’s developing interpersonal skills and sense of self.

Moreover, effective parenting by the mother with BPD is compromised by instability in her sense of her own self. Overall, those with BPD maintain a negative self-image and feelings of worthlessness. It is also typical for adults with BPD to make abrupt changes in aspirations, vocation, sexual identity and values (APA, 2000). Since it is through the unique relationship with the mother that the infant develops a sense of self, this distorted, unpredictable, and fluctuating self image of the mother is likely to have negative effects on the child’s own self image.

Furthermore, a mother with BPD’s inability to adequately regulate her own emotions may obstruct her ability to cope with the varying affective states of her child (New-man & Stevenson, 2005; Paris, 1999). It is common for mothers with BPD to feel anxious, estranged, confused, or overwhelmed by their infants (Hobson et al., 2005; Holman, 1985; Newman & Stevenson, 2005). When these parents get stuck in their own “defensive and entangled organization of thought” (Crandell, Fitzgerald, & Whipple, 1997, p. 250), they prevent their children from integrating certain affective experiences and behaviors.

Mothers with BPD, for instance, are characteristically volatile and have difficulty controlling intense, inappropriate anger that is often precipitated by environmental changes and/or intense abandonment fears (APA, 2000; Paris, 1999). Their strong outbursts of anger can be detrimental to the developing child, and many children of mothers with BPD are victims of verbal and/or physical abuse (Newman & Stevenson, 2005). Glickhauf-Hughes & Mehlman (1998) suggest that “a mother’s hostility, rage, and destructive behavior may be disguised as love, making it difficult for a child to trust his or her own perceptions of reality” (p. 296).

Additionally, a mother with BPD’s inability to adequately regulate her emotions causes her to inappropriately react to environmental stimuli. Her inability to regulate her emotions often yields impulsive and self-mutilating behaviors. People with BPD, for example, frequently engage in gambling, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating and other self-destructive behaviors. Roughly 8-10% of patients with BPD commit suicide, and an even higher percentage (roughly 70%) attempt suicide or engage in behaviors that are physically harmful (APA, 2000; Paris, 1999; Trull et al, 2003).

The psychological effects of this self-mutilating behavior on the children can be enormous. Specifically, children bereaving a parent after suicide feel immense guilt, question ‘why,’ and suffer from complicated and internal grieving (Emerson, 2003). These children feel isolated and angry, and face an increased risk of experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Disorder symptoms and other psychopathology (Cerel, Fristad, Weller, & Weller, 2000; Emerson, 2003).


Early Experiences and Child Attachment

Research consistently demonstrates that a parent’s adult attachment status is associated with infant attachment status (Crandell et al., 1997). Many BPD mothers’ own childhood attachments to their primary caregivers were “disorganized,” and they continue to suffer from “enmeshed” or “unresolved” attachments in adult relationships (Crandell et al., 2003; Hobson et al., 2005; Holmes, 2005). Thus, it is logical that the children of mothers with BPD display a high level of disorganization (Holmes, 2005; Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 1999).
It has been found that a mother with BPD’s maladaptive childhood attachment status is passed down to the next generation through the replication of the unresolved trauma in the mother’s life (for a discussion of the extent of transmission, see Crandell et al., 1997; Crandell et al., 2003; Van IJzendoorn, 1995). In fact, the manner in which a mother reflects on past trauma in her own life is related to the quality of the relationship between the mother and her own child (Crandell et al., 1997; Van IJzendoorn, 1995). The mother with BPD’s history of childhood trauma becomes replicated in her own family through the reproduction of a maladaptive family environment and explicit parenting behaviors. Feldman, Zelkowitz, Weiss, Vogel, Heyman, & Paris (1995) discovered that families of mothers with BPD, similar to the families of origin of mothers with BPD, were significantly less cohesive, less organized and marked overall by more instability than families without borderline pathology.


Unresolved Trauma and Explicit Parenting Behaviors

Unresolved trauma, which is associated with BPD, often obstructs a mother’s ability to parent effectively. Parents who are unable to reflect back on their childhood history and integrate their experiences have a limited capacity for emotional availability to their children (Crandell & Hobson, 1999). Specifically, a mother with BPD may lack the capacity to respond appropriately to her children by projecting past material into the mother-child interaction (Crandell et al., 1997). For example, defensive splitting may interfere with the parent-child relationship via the mother with BPD’s perception of the child as either “all good,” who needs to be saved, or “all bad,” who needs to be reprimanded (Newman & Stevenson, 2005, Glickhauf-Hughes & Mehlman, 1998). Even the act of care giving itself may trigger painful memories from the mother’s history of trauma, making it very difficult for the mother with BPD to cope with the daily challenges of parenting (Main, 1995). These triggers often causes her to engage in maladaptive, “frightened/frightening” behaviors, whereby the she is both frightening to the child and frightened herself at the same time (Holmes, 2005; Hobson, et al, 2005). In this way, mothers with BPD are often classified as “high risk” parents (Newman & Stevenson, 2005), at risk of child abuse and/or drastically overprotective behaviors.

Crandell et al. (1997) empirically verified that the manner in which mothers mentally organized and accurately perceived their childhoods predicted the manner in which the mothers interacted with their children. Thus, mothers identified as having a ‘secure’ attachment in childhood interacted more fluidly and synchronistically with their children than mothers identified as ‘insecure.’ Congruently, a mother with BPD’s history of traumatic early experiences and a maladaptive attachment status results in behavioral patterns that are less supportive of child autonomy. Mothers with BPD tend to interact with their children in an “intrusively insensitive” manner (Hobson et al., 2005). These interactions may interfere with the child’s developing ability to relate to other people within the environment and yield myriad interpersonal problems for the child.


Development in Children of Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder

Despite the difficulties mothers with BPD have with emotional regulation and the importance of the mother-child relationship in a child’s social and emotional development, there is little known at present about the psychosocial development in children of mothers with BPD. To date, the strongest research examining the psychosocial outcomes of these children is a small pilot study conducted by Weiss, Zelkowitz, Feldman, Vogel, Heyman, and Paris (1996). Weiss et al. (1996) confirmed that children of mothers with BPD, compared to children with mothers without BPD, had a significantly higher number of psychiatric diagnoses and scored higher on a global rating of impairment. The authors demonstrated that children of mothers with BPD are at an increased risk for developing impulse control disorders and borderline tendencies of their own. Even when childhood trauma was controlled for, significant group differences in functioning between children of mothers with and without BPD were found; approximately 20% of the variation in child functioning and 8% of the variation in borderline pathology was accounted for by maternal diagnosis alone. Weiss et al.’s findings provide insight into the development of children of mothers with BPD. However, the study was limited by a small sample size and lack of attention to co-morbid diagnoses, and it has not been replicated to date. These preliminary results point to the need for further research with larger sample sizes inclusive of mothers with comorbid diagnoses.

The following section examines the attachment status of children raised by mothers with BPD and reviews the attachment literature in order to illuminate potential cognitive, interpersonal and affective problems in these children.


Attachment Status of Children

Children of mothers with BPD show a significantly higher prevalence of ‘disorganized’ attachment than children of mothers without BPD (Hobson et al., 2005). Mothers with BPD’s intrusive insensitivity, affective deregulation, confusion over role expectations, and unresolved traumatic experiences have been identified as possible precursors for this disorganization (see Van IJzendoorn et al., 1999; Hobson et al., 2005). Disorganization in children typically arises in response to recurrent stress. In the case of children of mothers with BPD, children’s disorganized responses develop out of what Main (1995) refers to as an approach-avoidant dilemma. The stress associated with borderline symptomatology (e.g., erratic or volatile behavior) causes children to simultaneously cling to and push away from their caregiver. In other words, in times of danger or stress, the child searches for the mother as a “secure base” to cling to, but in the case of a mother with BPD, it is often the mother herself who is posing the threat.

Behavioral disorganization in children is inherently maladaptive and therefore of concern to mental health professionals working with children of mothers with BPD. Research shows that disorganization in childhood attains modest levels of long term stability and is linked to a host of pathological sequelae (Holmes, 2005; Van IJzendoorn et al., 1999). Disorganized children face stress management problems, frequently engage in externalizing behaviors, and may even face dissociative behaviors later in life (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 1999; Van IJzendoorn et al., 1999).


Cognitive Development

There is little known about cognitive development in children of mothers with BPD specifically, but high levels of ‘disorganized’ attachment status suggest that these children will face significant cognitive impairments. Attachment security with the primary caregiver is correlated with intellectual development and functioning of children in that responsiveness and attunement, maternal involvement, and emotional sensitivity support healthy cognitive development (see Crandell & Hobson, 1999 for a brief overview of the literature). Hence, a mother with BPD’s intrusive insensitivity and unpredictability is bound to negatively affect a child’s cognitive development.

Crandell & Hobson (1999) conducted a study of intellectual functioning in children of mothers with a ‘secure’ vs. ‘insecure’ adult attachment status. They found that children of ‘insecure’ mothers scored an average of 19 points lower on the Stanford-Binet test than children of ‘secure’ mothers. Likewise, neurobiological studies reveal that disorganized children have increased levels of cortisol and decreased mental development (Hertsgaard, Gunnar, Erickson, & Nuchmias, 1995). Since most children of mothers with BPD display high levels of disorganization, it is reasonable to presume that children of mothers with BPD are significantly stressed children who are placed at a cognitive disadvantage (Holmes, 2005). It is likely that the attachment status of children of mothers with BPD mediates the relationship between the mother’s psychopathology and the child’s level of cognitive functioning.

Interrelatedness and Affective Regulation in Children of Mothers with Borderline Personality Disorder

Since children of mothers with BPD typically display a disorganized behavioral pattern and are forced to consistently cope with their mother’s borderline symptomatology (including their maladaptive interpersonal relations, repeated broken relationships, and affective deregulation), it would be expected that children of mothers with BPD would show deficits in interpersonal relatedness. While there is very minimal research in this area at present, there is evidence to suggest that infants of mothers with BPD have an alternative way of dealing with interpersonal stress than children with mothers without BPD (Crandell et al., 2003). During the ‘Strange Situation’ experimental paradigm designed to elicit secure base attachment behaviors, infants of mothers with BPD are less available for positive engagement with a stranger (Hobson et al., 2005). These infants become less satisfied from the motherchild interaction after the interpersonally stressful separation than children of parents without BPD. Crandell et al. (2003) discusses how this alternate mode of coping reflects the child’s expectation that the parent will not return to soothe the child in times of high stress.

It is noteworthy that exploratory evidence finds that children of mothers with BPD also show signs of affective dysregulation during the experimental ‘Still Face Procedure.’ In the Still Face Procedure, children of mothers with BPD show a pattern of dazed glare and glance away from the parent more frequently than children of mothers without BPD (Crandell et al., 2003). Crandell et al. found that, whereas children of mothers with and without BPD presented with similar affect before the procedure, children of mothers with BPD showed a rapid decline during and after the procedure. They maintained an overall depressed affect and exhibited more dazed looks than the control group. Additionally, children of mothers with BPD scored lower on measures of behavioral organization under stress (Hobson, 2005) and required more time to recover from the stressful situation. These preliminary findings regarding emotional conflict in children of mothers with BPD is bolstered by psychoanalytic observations. Anecdotal reports describe children of mothers with BPD as having tendencies toward defensive splitting, and displaying “emotional needs through denial, acting-out, self destructive behavior and role reversalsÖ[and] frequently express fears of abandonment and engulfment” (Glickauf-Hughes & Mehlman, 1998, p. 300).

There is also evidence to suggest that, even in middle childhood, children of mothers with BPD may display problems with interpersonal relatedness and affective regulation. Follow-up studies show that disorganized children have more difficulty engaging in ‘democratic’ play with peers at ages six and seven. These children often make executive decisions and are overall more controlling in interactions with both peers and parents. Additionally, disorganized children maintain an inability to appropriately resolve frightening situations in middle childhood years (see Holmes, 2005 for a brief overview of the research).

Jane Middelton-Moz is a therapist who speaks internationally on the topics of multigenerational grief and trauma, and cultural and ethnic self-hate. She has over 20 years experience in community mental health work, including a position as clinical director of the largest mental health organization in western Washington. Jane Middleton-Moz has appeared on national radio and television shows, including Oprah. She is the author of After the Tears, Growing in the Shadows, Children of Trauma and Shame and Guilt.


  1. The decision to have a child is an incredibly personal one. I chose to have my tubes tied when I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder because I didn’t want to potentially pass that on to my offspring. When I got diagnosed with Borderline I went a step further and had a partial hysterectomy to completely ensure that I’d never get pregnant. I know myself well and know that I am not mother material. However, I think it’s grossly unfair for anyone to make blanket statements about the parenting abilities of persons diagnosed with a mental illness. I feel confident that there are many wonderful parents out there struggling with mental illness every day and there are some truly terrible parents who are deemed “normal.”

    The best advice I can offer is to spend some time with young children and see how it makes you feel. If you enjoy it and thrive in those situations, then it’s likely just fine for you to have a child. I do not do well with kids except in small doses so it made perfect sense for me to not have a child. The only thing you can do is what feels right in your own heart.

  2. I have always felt like it was my calling, one day, to be a mother. Both my sister and my brother have children (my sister has 5 aged 2 – 14 and my brother has 2 aged 2 & 13) and I feel comfortable around them, almost at home. I hope one day I can fulfill that dream to the best of my ability.

  3. I want to say this first and then I’ll comment on the article: why are we always discussing on how parents with mental health issues will mess up their kids but we NEVER talk about how to properly support these parents?! Just because this person is now a parent doesn’t mean that they turn into these mean monsters that wreck their kid’s lives! They are still the same person who needs help and support! Children can also learn that mom/dad has some issues and that they’re still loved by that parent!! Ugh!!! Ok, I’ll finish the article now and say more.

    1. Continuing my comment…

      This article confirms my worst fears. The only thing I can say to this article is that it is my choice to have children and I will have children. I will do what I need to do to make sure my children and are happy and healthy. I will not hide my illness from my children and if my children grow up to have various mental health issues then I will be there at their side!

      I work with children so I do know that I am a capable of helping children develop in a healthy manner. I was raised by a mother with depression and I would say that she did a fantastic job! Having a supportive partner or other person in your life will also be helpful in making sure that the child is raised appropriately.

      We should be talking about how to help parents!

  4. Reblogged this on Pride in Madness and commented:
    I will have children. I will love my children. My children will be alright. Let’s talk about how to support parents with mental health/addictions issues!

  5. I know from being treated in a negative way as a child the other perspective – I know what I WON’T do to my children. I know I will love them with every part of myself, I will put them first every single day, I will do whatever I can to make sure they feel safe, protected and loved. Surely that is what is important, not a diagnosis, a label or a stereotype.

  6. Omg if parents required testing to be sure they have no illnesses mental or physical then we would be extinct. In short order.
    This article is wayoff.Sure parents with mental or physical problems may need more guidance but don’t. So called normal people need guidance on occasion. Oh I get so worked up on this subject

  7. True. I suppose everyone thinks all other parents should be perfect. As long as the love and good intentions are there I think anything can be worked through.

  8. I couldn’t bring myself to read the article because the first few paragraphs started generalising about the symptoms of BPD and applying them to all of us (or at least, that’s how my black& white brain interpreted it!). Everyone’s BPD is entirely personal and utterly different from anyone elses. There are the similarities, of course, the general symptoms, but it’s up to the individual to work out their particular manifestation of the condition and work to overcome the problems that affect them most. I think (no, I KNOW), it’s important for someone with BPD to full understand their condition in order to thrive/recover. Unless you can work out the contents of your own head, you can’t even attempt to live a happy or fulfilling life because the BPD is always lurking and tripping you up. It still lurks and trips me up, but at least I know what/why/when and can deal with it. If you’re thinking about having kids, you need to 100% understand your condition first.
    I have two daughters, part-time thanks to a 2.5 year hospitalisation when the youngest was 8 months old. That was when I was finally diagnosed. Their Dad couldn’t handle me anymore and we went our separate ways, but share our girls. They’re now 5 and 7 and doing brilliantly. They love me, I love them, and I probably work harder than most parents at making sure they are able to understand the contents of their own heads, even at such a young age. When they get upset over something (generally because they’re not getting their own way – totally normal for kids their age!) I try to get them to analyse how they feel and, failing that, point out that the only person making them miserable is themself! They snap out of their moods pretty quickly and I can confidently say neither of them have BPD. Their teachers have even pointed out how mature they are, my eldest particularly has learnt to leave the petty playground squabbles alone and not let them upset her. If I hadn’t had BPD and learnt how to understand myself, I wouldn’t have been such a good parent to them. My daughters will grow up self-aware, understanding their emotions and how to control them in a way I never could. They’ll also grow up sympathetic towards mental health issues, and what more could any of us ask for? Of course I have my moments with them, but they also understand what’s going on. They know the “broken bit” in my brain means I sometimes shout when I shouldn’t, that I sometimes cry when I shouldn’t and generally get overly stressed when things aren’t going quite as planned…and they know those are the moments to say “Mummy, we love you”. I would say my BPD, and understanding it FULLY, has made me a better Mum.

  9. Wow. Thank you so, so much for your comment. It has given me so much more hope for my future. I believe I am at a point now where I do completely and totally understand myself, and my BPD. I can identify when my emotions are being controlled by the disorder and act accordingly. I believe I would be a good mother, but my only worry is my attachment issues which still are not 100% under control. I don’t want to have children until I have focused and worked on those, as it would be easy to become over protective of a child and pass those issues on. My main goal is to bring up a healthy, balanced child and I need to be able to do that to the best of my ability. xxx

  10. People in recovery from BPD can be the best parents. They have immense empathy. They would be more in tune with their children’s emotional needs than people without the disorder, who have never done DBT or other therapy for BPD.

    1. Crazy. I had forgotten about this article. Funny how things change. I’ll have a re-read of it tomorrow but I agree with your comment. I know exactly what NOT to do with my little one. Hopefully I can be the mother she needs. x

  11. I agree with Prideinmadness. I am searching everywhere online to see how best to support my my ex who in my opinion has BPD – she knows something is “not right” as she puts it but will not go for help as she is “scared to know” what’s wrong. She always said she did not want children as she “can’t look after myself let alone a child”. However she is now pregnant (I’m not the Father), on her own, on benefits, in huge debt and has no idea how to budget. I am really worried about her ability to cope as I know, despite her happy outward appearence, she is miserable and frightened. I can’t be in a relationship with her as my boundary is cheating, and the lies that go with it, and she can’t stop the cheating. I fear for the safety of the baby and ultimately my friend herself as I would hate to see her lose her child or worse harm it and end up in prison. There is nothing online about how best to help someone like her. Perhaps that means there is nothing that can be done however if there is could we not have a website dedicated to helping these people as they are human beings just like the rest of us and need help. I also agree with Stacey1979 who says ” If you’re thinking about having kids, you need to 100% understand your condition first”. Prideinmadness obviously does, unfortunately my friend is in denial about her BPD and does not understand the condition at all – she just blames everyone else for her rages and other problems.

  12. See Anna Freud for some programmes that help mothers with BPD and also check out VIG (Video Interactive Guidance) as a positive therapeutic intervention between parents and babies and finally in some areas Parent-Infant Psychotherapy is on offer to help the relationship between babies and their parents.

    1. Thank you – this is really helpful! I will take a look at all your suggestions. xx

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