Feeling ‘normal’

Things have been going so well, mostly due to my beautiful relationship with James, which is going from strength to strength. He truly is a beautiful person and I believe he really loves me. I feel comfortable with him, in all respects, and have been as honest as I can be with him right now. The only things he doesn’t know about me are a few things in my past, but I have told him there are things that I would rather not talk about yet, but in time, I will.

I have had no self harm/suicidal urges now for well over 6 weeks, and only one binge/purge incident. It seems to happen when I am stressed, this happened on the same day as an argument with my mum. I bounced back from it quickly though, and didn’t let it affect me for the days following. I also have only had one ‘down’ day, which I knew was going to happen, after the incident with James and his coursework. I was absolutely exhausted and know that tiredness is a trigger for me. I went to bed, and gave myself the space and time to get over it – that is something I have started to do – being kind to myself.

I have my final assessment with the MBT team tomorrow, to see if I can be accepted into the treatment program. As my relationship with James progressed I started to feel like I couldn’t hide the treatment from him and I thought it might influence how he felt about me. I was wrong, he just wants to support me and I am totally dedicated to doing this program and getting as much out of it as I possibly can. I am just about to also catch up on the DBT homework as I haven’t been good with those – mainly because it is going through Core Mindfulness at the moment – a subject I have already covered – but I will do it.

My diet and fitness is also going really well. The running has really made a difference to my weight, and also to my fitness. Running, although at times still hard, comes a lot easier, and my recovery time is quicker. I am now 11 stone 4!! (Starting weight 12 stone 6 on 1st January 2013).

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I am now feeling a lot more confident in myself and my body. The only issue I really have left to sort out is the ‘hair’ problem. Because of my poly-cystic ovaries I get excessive hair, mainly on my face (that’s the one I have the most issue with). I have to shave almost daily as it becomes noticeable. Also, my bikini line and the back of my thighs. If I shave my bikini line, it rashes really badly and then I get awful ingrowing hairs. I had my bikini line waxed and have been ex foliating every day so the ingrowing hairs are almost gone now, there are just a couple left. I’m hoping going on Dianette (been on it one month now) will also help as, as well as a contraceptive, it works on excess hair too.

All of my other ‘Borderline’ traits seem to be under control, such as my tactlessness with other people. Before I speak, I think. Yes, it is hard work and I’m sure there will be times when I let something slip – but for now I don’t drink alcohol as that seems to worsen it. I’m hoping the more time that passes, the easier it will become. My moods are stable but I am still on 20mg Escitalopram so I am hoping to gradually reduce that down, starting this week, down to 10mg daily as opposed to 20mg.

 

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