I must be a bad person

Last wrote I wrote about the situation with a couple that lived locally to me, here, here and here.

To save you trawling through the old posts, basically myself and the lady (A) hadn’t been getting on well for about 18 months. I had made several comments about her which were derogatory, and I had heard through the grapevine that she had made several comments about me, which only escalated the situation. We never directly had a row, but it was one of those things that went on and on, progressively getting worse, then all of a sudden you get the realisation you are in this ‘thing’ that has been going on for 18 months or more.

It came to a head when I found out that she had had a BBQ and invited several of my friends, but not me. I thought I needed to clear the air, so sent her a message on facebook asking if I could come over and we could talk. As it happened, logistically this wasn’t possible and the conversation ended up on facebook (in hindsight, this was a good thing, as I now have the copies of the messages, I am sure if it had been said in person I would have forgotten what was said).

This is a transcript of the messages, in full:

Me:

Hi. I didn’t really want to do this through facebook but as logistics are a little difficult, I can’t get to you tonight at a time that is good for you, and I don’t want to mess you around.
First of all, I’m not going to deny that I have made comments that are offensive to you, about you and your dogs. There is no point – I made them. I have no explanation for it, other that I was being bitchy, and perhaps It made me feel a bigger person by berating you.
All I can do, is completely sincerely apologise for the fact that I made these comments, and that they will have caused you and your family to be hurt and upset.
Like I said, I have nothing that can explain why I said them, other that I said what I felt at the time, and I shouldn’t have.
Of course we are all entitled to our own opinions, I am sure that you have yours of mine, but Im also pretty sure that you won’t have been discussing me and your opinion of me with other people, which only makes me feel worse.
I know I have been a really horrible person towards you, perhaps it was jealousy, pehaps it was that I was intimidated by you, or perhaps it was because you have a link with (Jean) that I would rather forget.
Like I said, these are not excuses, more reasons for my appauling behaviour.
All that is left to say now is that I do understand what I have done is wrong. You have no reason to forgive me, and of course, I don’t expect that. But I do really like you and would like to clear the air, otherwise I wouldn’t have sent you the original message in the first place.
Anyway, I understand if you do not want to respond but I do ask that you don’t allow my small minded comments to cause you any more hurt.”

Her reply:

“I will keep this as short as possible…firstly you are right about one thing when you say I haven’t been discussing you, the only person I have spoke to is ***** as she needed a friend and a big shoulder to cry on when you came into their lives.. unlike you I do not bitch to all and sundry about any matters true or false. I’m 39 years old with 2 small children a husband and a crap horrible illness, I haven’t got the time or energy for petty people to try and make my life hell. I’m aware of some of the things you’ve said about me, people aren’t as discreet as you think they are!! What concerns me is the level of hatred you seem to have towards me and my family when you don’t know me, as you say we are all intitiled to own opinions (most of us keep them to ourselves). I’m also struggling to understand why you “really like me” when alls you’ve done is be a bitch to me. Respect and friendships are earn’t and made and you Shelley have made your bed. You cannot possibly undo the damage and hurt you have caused.”

Me:

“I appreciate your reply. I didn’t realise my friendship with ***** had affected ***** in that way and I am sorry for that. I take in you comments and I know that I was wrong. Like I said, I have no excuses. As you know, I haven’t been well, and that has had an impact on my behaviour. I respect you and how you are trying to live you life and yet again can only apologise for what I have done. I was not expecting you to accept my apologies, I can only hope that by you knowing I am remorseful will make any upset I have caused slightly easier to swallow.

It it makes you feel any better I have already punished myself for what has happened and can honestly tell you from the bottom of my heart that it will not happen again.”

I didn’t get any further reply but all the times I have seen her since, she has been very frosty towards me, if not down right rude. Also, *****, Tom’s daughter (the person she referred to in the message) had also been acting the same way. I believe she was hurt by the relationship I had with Tom (not that it was open knowledge) and turned to this lady as they are very, very close friends.

Since then, I had made a concious decision to not even mention her name, let alone discuss her with anyone. I felt annoyed that she had almost made herself out to be a victim, as I knew she had also been discussing me, but in order to try and make it ‘right’ in my head, I needed it to go away, and the only way I could do that was to accept the blame 100% and apologise for my actions.

However, when I went to Iceland, during the situations that occurred there (as discussed in this post here), I knew she slagged me off, saying really nasty things about me, but again I let it go. I didn’t have enough ‘hard evidence’ to prove she had actually said things and she would only deny it.

After that, things went quiet for a while, that is, until last Sunday, when I bumped into ***** (Tom’s daughter) whilst shopping in Tesco. We started chatting about mundane things, until we moved on to what happened with A. I asked her why A couldn’t forgive me, and she said that it was probably because she saw quite how upset she was (Tom’s daughter) when I was friendly with Tom. In her eyes, I had just gone in, ruined their marriage and stolen her Dad away. What actually happened was that I was ill, and Tom took me under his wing and looked after me, but at the expense of his marriage. There were obviously things lacking before I came on the scene, but as I explained to **** in Tesco, I was ill, I wasn’t even capable of thinking of single thoughts, let alone the impact of my relationship with the person who had practically become my sole carer.

I felt so terrible when she explained how much our relationship had affected hers and her brothers with her Dad. At the time, I was so busy trying to kill myself that I didn’t give a damn about the impact on anyone else. I know Tom should take responsibility for his own actions, but I can’t help feeling responsible too. At least she then said that actually she felt a little grateful, because at least now her relationship with her dad was a lot more open and honest.

We then got back to talking about A. I told her that I was sad we couldn’t be civil with each other, and she said that actually she thought that even though A held a grudge, she was now getting to the point that she wanted to be civil to me. I said I was really glad about that, and it makes things a lot easier. Then, I think I made a mistake. We were discussing what actually happened back when the messages were sent, and I told her I was annoyed that A seemed to make herself out to be a victim, when she had been making comments about me just as bad, and that since then, I had said nothing about her at all, and knew that when I was in Iceland, A had made terrible comments about me, which I had ignored, even though they had hurt me. Thinking back now (and I only remembered this comment after racking my brains over and over again for anything I could have said that could have been taken badly) I think I had become comfortable in the conversation and forgotten how close ***** and A were – of course she would go back to her and feed her the whole conversation, possibly with embellishments if she was still angry over the relationship between myself and Tom.

I left the conversation feeling a lot better about things, I felt as though I had cleared the air with ****, and righted a couple of wrongs from the past. I did feel a little sad for the impact my behaviour had on their family, but I have already punished myself for that over and over again, I cannot do it to myself any longer.

The next thing I know, A (who I am blocked from but Jen copied this to me) posts this on facebook:

“So we’ve found out that 1 person a year ago tried to ruin us. Saying we beat and overrun our dogs and breed for money. We have tried to ignore this but it keeps rearing its ugly head and still the gossip continues. This is so upsetting and everyone that knows us has been fantastically supportive… being competitive is not a crime it just means we’ve put a lot of effort in to everything we do. It has only just been brought to our attention the severity of this 1 persons actions. Enoughs a enough now, wtf would you do???”

The comments, some from people I don’t know and others from people I do, range from ‘Name and shame her’ ‘Sue her’, ‘Ignore it’, ‘Confront her’ to ‘Call the non-emergency police line and get advice’ or ‘Go and beat her up’ and ‘Shoot her’.

It hurts me so much that some of these comments are from people that know me, and I know that they do not know who they are talking about, but it still hurts, a lot. She makes it sound as though I have been harassing her – have I?? The only time I have even mentioned her name is in conversation with ***** last weekend. I have had no other contact with her at all. The comments, I feel, were not even that malicious, but I feel as though I am being made out to be a vindictive and malicious person. I feel as though this is being blown out of proportion – but perhaps it isn’t. Perhaps I should not have had the conversation with ***** but  I thought it had cleared the air – obviously not.

It makes me feel as though I must be such a bad person and I need to punish myself, but none of those options are open to me any longer.

Advertisements

4 comments

  1. The hardest thing you can do is probably the best thing you can do: Drop it. Stop talking about it, pretend she does not exist, resist the temptation to read about it, talk about it, ask people about it, or let people talk about it in front of you. You will probably have the stigma and limelight on you for awhile, but you apologized for it, there is nothing more you can do, now leave it alone. Every time you say anything, mention the person, or comment to others about it, to those people it’s the same as saying “I didn’t mean the apology, and I’m still causing drama.” I understand the need you feel to vent about the situation, but sometimes “venting” is just an excuse we give ourselves to dwell on a situation.
    So let it go. Learn to live with the fact that perhaps “A” will never be your friend, and will never be civil with you. But think of it this way: Is this person really someone you WANT to be civil with? Do you need this person’s friendship? And if she isn’t your friend, then what does anything she have to say about you even MATTER? Let it go, and let her say what she will.
    Prove her wrong, you can’t be out to ruin her life if you aren’t even talking about her, or even acknowledging her existence.
    And if you do this, time will come to reveal the truth to people.
    But the first step, is just to LET IT GO.
    And trust me, I know it’s hard, I’ve been there, trapped in the cycle drama between friends creates. And the only way out is to let it go, and take care of yourself and your own life.

    1. Thank you so much for this comment. You are so right, and I guess I am making it worse by asking people whether they have heard anything, whether she had said anything, because I am just feeding it and making it look like I am trying to make it worse.
      It’s just so hard when in my head I need everything to be straight, and happy, so I can feel happy. It feels like I have a black mark against me that I can’t let go.
      I think I need to take your advice and not even acnowledge it.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, it was really helpful xx

  2. First of all, please stop punishing yourself. You tried your best with an articulate and polite apology that not only said sorry but acknowledged what you had done was hurtful to them. Most people only ever say sorry without that sort of depth. I’ll be honest, if someone apologised to me like that, I’d find a way to forgive them – but 99% of people never have the sincerity you have in that post.

    Secondly, this is Facebook. This is exactly why I killed my account earlier this week. People will jump on any dispute even though it has bugger all to do with them and use it as an excuse to vent their hate.

    Chin up. You did the right thing.

    1. Thank you, your words are very kind, and help. xx

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: